Threats

Insults

Comebacks

"Where are you from?" [From a sleazy shop keeper]

—Hidden away.
—No one likes it.

"I believe I asked you a question." [Threateningly]

—God knows!
—You can work your way up or down.

"What is that supposed to be, a joke?"

—Many more!
—One's vegetarian, and one's carnivorous.

"It ain't over between you and me."

—It's murder!
—That's what you save money for.

"You talkin' to me?"

—Very different.
—Don't rush me! ... I slept my way through night school ... Why fuss?

[Start at
the top]

"This guy is great!" [Disparagingly]

—Very serious.
—Don't ever do anything halfway.

"Big smart guy, huh?"

—Pretty much.
—Not another one that talks like me.

"You will speak only when spoken to. You will follow orders without question."

—Very different.
—The devil will think you're his own.

"You've got a problem, psycho?"

—Or vice versa.
—Success breeds success.

"You shut up! I'll beat your ass."

—Ever hopeful.
—Just like yours, right?

"Don't keep running your fricking mouth!"

—Bad, huh?
—It served its purpose.

[Start at
the top]

"Watch it, man!" [Ominously]

—Many more!
—As I go.

"Al-Qa'ida ... you want to blow up the Coit Tower, go ahead." (–Bill O'Reilly, November 10, 2005)

—Really evil.
—They might as well be the same person.

"I hope you get cancer and die slowly."

—Really evil.
—You'll get everything.

"Nobody move, please. We are going back to the airport. Don't try to make any stupid moves ... We have some planes ... Just stay quiet and you'll be okay. We are returning to the airport." [Recorded voice on hijacked American Airlines Flight 11 before it was crashed into the World Trade Center]

—Nobody knows.
—Cell phones ... It's open season.

"Keep remaining sitting. We have a bomb on board." [Recorded voice on hijacked United Airlines Flight 93 before it was crashed into the Pennsylvania countryside on 9/11]

—I'm sure.
—"Consider the subtle difference between 'having no form' and having 'no form'; the first is ignorance, the second is transcendence." (–Bruce Lee)

[Start at
the top]

"Bring it on!" [War chant]

—Not alone.
—We'll see about that.

"Bring it on!"

—Maybe more.
—I'm going to introduce you to your future. [Go for the biggest one]

"Give me your lunch money!"

—Au contraire.
—Yeah, okay ... I don't get too much ... What quivers and shakes at the bottom of the ocean? (A nervous wreck!) ... Because we live in the backwaters ... People who realize they'll never better themselves ... We're oily, too!

"So if someone says, 'Give me your lunch money!' what do you say?"

—It's easy.
—Closer and closer to the source! ... It was on the news ... That's what you get for having a good mind ... Today's child.

"You know, you could be popular."

—Spare me!
—I don't want to be popular until I get to civilization.

"If something happens, you're going to wish it never did." [Posturing]

—Not today.
—Sometime down the road.

"I have a deep cavity search for you."

—Not today.
—Before you.

[Start at
the top]

"Hey, Yellow! Hey, Yellow! Are you there for Joe? Are you there for Joe?"

—We'll see.
—You can still go to jail.

[Someone parroting you]

—Hard times.
—It's just good to know.

"I'm glad I'm not you!" [Someone stealing your graduation present, a bright red fire truck, on the last day of kindergarten]

—What if?
—I like purple – I thought you'd sell it by now – I'm a little careless.

"Maybe it's because I'm an asshole."

—So sad!
—Teeth and all.

"Yankee! Yankee!"

—Big tragedy.
—They must love you, huh?

"Did you watch the movie? Do you still have your ticket?" [Three thugs cornering you outside the theater]

—Pretty wicked.
—You have no idea how bad it was.

"Oh, you threw it away." [Maliciously]

—Many more!
—I don't want to get into it — It's against my better judgment.

"Hey, buddy, I don't like your face."

—Not alone.
—I was never cute.

[Start at
the top]

"I'll be waiting for you when school is over."

—How exotic.
—As if something terrible is going on that's never gone on before.

"I'll see you tonight."

—Big surprise.
—As you like.

"You're better than me?"

—Maybe not.
—Keep that in the back of your mind.

"I'll remember that."

—It's chilling.
—If nothing else.

"You'd say anything to avoid a fight."

—Just vicious.
—At a certain point you can just let it go.

"What is that smell?"

—Very common.
—One ugly thing after another.

[Start at
the top]

"It stinks! — It's a fucking latrine."

—Wild moments.
—Everyone has bad days.

"That's right, call the police. There isn't any proof. There's nothing that can be proved."

—Nobody knows.
—Another victim.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

"You're not a big guy out here, now, are you?"

—BELIEVE me.
—What are you getting out of all this?

"Nothing better to do with your time?"

—On schedule.
—Is this your idea of a social life?

[Start at
the top]

"Mind if I grab one?"

—You're safe.
—It's not for you.

[Someone trying to grab a free newspaper after you've opened the box]

—BACK OFF!
—Get away!

Notice that this attack starts with the word, "You."

"You suck!"

—You're safe.
—Never boring.

And that the following three attacks don't.

"Blow me — It's show business."

—Not here!
—You can't be grown-up.

Don't confuse those separate kinds of attacks.

"Suck my cock!"

—High hopes.
—Unless you think you're God or something.

"Bend over."

—High hopes.
—Get a dog — A dog won't care if you're an asshole.

[Start at
the top]

"Hey! Do you enjoy that? Keep it up and see what happens!"

—A joke!
—Really bombastic!

"Hey! You want me to give you a new face?"

—It's ridiculous.
—From down on the barroom floor.

"You better take care of yourself! You're lucky I don't kick your motherfucking ass!"

—That's jolly.
—MY GOOD MAN, I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO HARM YOU.

"Go back to San Francisco, man!"

—That's jolly.
—WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME THIS WAY?

"I don't believe the Holocaust ever happened."

—Not here!
—You're not only mixed up, but you're a nincompoop.

"It's not in the New Testament."

—That's jolly.
—The Bible is in you — You're not in the Bible.

"I think you should apologize."

—Oy! Entschuldigsmier!
—With or without laces?

[Start at
the top]

"Is that the way you apologize?"

—Anything less?
—I apologize to all the shoes.

"If you haven't read that book, I don't see how we can even discuss this."

—Good advice.
—Thank you, brother, for chastising me! It has made my humiliation that much richer.

"If you don't like it, do something about it."

—Good advice.
—Dealings with the generous are not difficult.

"What will your wife be doing while you're gone?"

—Nothing much.
—How, I don't know.

"Are you a virgin?"

—Oh, yeah!
—They lie!

"Are you faithful?"

—Oh, yeah!
—Don't tip anyone off.

"Are you a sports fan?"

—Just normal.
—How about those Giants!

[Start at
the top]

"Are you into cars?"

—Just normal.
—When you live in the caboose, you don't care about getting ahead.

Be very, very careful here.

"You're not a football fan, huh?"

—Since when?
—I don't want to make any predictions.

Some people are just looking for a fist fight.

"Are you queer?"

—Unheard of.
—I'm a complete stranger — Why would you ask me something like that?

It's good to know just how to walk away.

"Are you gay?"

—Very funny.
—Didn't your mother tell you not to talk to strangers?

"You must be gay."

—Unheard of.
—There may be competition.

[Start at
the top]

"Definitely a faggot."

—Very funny.
—(1.) You bet! ... (2.) Wrong again! ... (3.) Total waste ... (4.) No worse! ... (5.) SCREW THAT!

"So gay!"

—Unheard of.
—(1.) We're safe ... (2.) Try harder! ... (3.) Just unbelievable ... (4.) Something intelligent.

"Are you one of those faggots?"

—Since when?
—Creepy enough — Now don't bother me anymore!

"Jane, you ignorant slut!"

—Maybe less.
—Peanuts.

"Eww. Slut!"

—Very funny.
—Oh, yeah. Oh, easy.

"You're a slut."

—Since when?
—Let's call it very fast-track.

"He's still a Mama's boy!"

—Be resourceful.
—Would it do any good?

"Dink is small?"

—Watch out!
—Maybe you grew one.

"Are you insecure about your cock size?"

—Watch out!
—Sometimes life is good.

"Size matters."

—Watch out!
—Look, is it my fault?

[Start at
the top]

"Why be inferior?"

—Watch out!
—They have to beg for it.

"You may never know what I've done for you."

—What's missing?
—Don't ask and don't count on it is my philosophy of life.

"You probably shouldn't have done it."

—What's missing?
—You may have expected me to know things I couldn't possibly know ... No, no! You have to learn that.

"Steers try; bulls get the job done.''

—What's missing?
—Yeah, I'm really bad; I'm a really bad mother.

"Why isn't this done?" [Micromanager, who's secretly "documenting" you]

—What's missing?
—Every time I think something bad's happened, something good's happened. [See also "Have you just been sitting here doing nothing all day?" at stargate41.htm]

"What's the worst thing you've ever done?"

—Even greater!
—I hurt someone's feelings once.

[Start at
the top]

"Did you ever kill anybody?"

—Be resourceful.
—That's the million dollar question ... I shot my bank, but I didn't get any money.

"Why are you a faggot?"

—Or vice versa.
—First you have to put up with a little girl.

"These guys are faggots." [Three guys passing two guys on the street]

—Not yet.
—That wasn't smart.

"Hey, pretty girl!" [From the bum on the corner]

—Or vice versa.
—People aren't garbage!

"That looks like a necklace in our family for two generations."

—Unheard of.
—I doubt it.

"Is that my notebook? I have one just like it."

—Unheard of.
—Get out of there!

"If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen."

—Since when?
—Everyone's frustrated.

[Start at
the top]

"Clueless! Get a clue."

—Maybe less.
—Every ball of string unravels.

"LADIES!" [Men's team]

—Smarten up!
—Real subtle.

"You touched my car — I don't like anyone touching my car."

—THINGS CHANGE!
—They're going to make big cars again.

"You want to fight? — I can settle this in two seconds."

—THINGS CHANGE!
—Some people like them.