"Raise your hand if you think global warming is a serious threat caused by human behavior." (–Moderator Carolyn Washburn)

—"You want to give me a minute to answer that?" (–Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson) ... No one teaches it in school.

"Who here had buttered raisin toast when they were a kid?"

—The occasion may allow quiet reflection ... Ayes, Nays and Present! ... I'm going to start a summer camp where everyone walks around naked with a light bulb up their ass.

"I'm going to describe some scenarios to you. Raise your hand if you think what I'm describing is wrong." (–NYT columnist David Pogue)

—"I'm not doing hand shows today." (–Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson) ... I'm not saying anything, because I'm not like that.

"Say hello to Vanna." [Ribbing you for watching Wheel of Fortune]

—Girls are bad, too, but not in the same way.

"If you have to do it, you might as well do it right."

—Stop padding your role.

"Yea, Hillary! You go, girl!"

—Good! Two for one! ... The beat goes on.

"Vanna! I want my Vanna!"

—I'm beginning to believe in genetics – It could be a genetic predisposition.

"Quit living out your fantasies."

—That's what you're saving me for, huh?

"You should do my checkbook."

—It's like the French court.

"Vanna!"

—It's no joke ... Anything else you want to talk about? ... Don't take any shit from your own mind, or anyone else.

"What do you do for a living?"

—The minute you get it, you don't need it anymore ... I am retired, because I give myself orders ... That's all a myth ... It's heartbreaking, believe me! ... Don't try it! ... You just have to separate the personal shit from the real ... I do the same thing! ... We had a really cold spell ... I don't think in my position I want to mess around with the IRS ... Oh! You're lucky! ... Geez! I'm divulging all my secrets.

"How much do you make?"

—Little trees is what you want ... It's not worthless ... Isn't it nice to do what you like? ... We won't tell anyone ... I don't want to be disgraced ... Well, I'm not so sure that was nice ... You're a girl, all right.

"Are you a Warriors fan?"

—Just tell me if there's anything I should watch for.

"Where do you live?"

—Well, if you live in the present ... In effect that's what we're doing ... Better than Las Vegas, fucking creeps ... They're gangsters ... They were really bad.

"Where is your family?"

—They may have some nice things about them, but they're rats!

["Jessica says hello."] "You talked to Jessica?"

—It's just a pleasure ... You can start a torture chamber.

["Did you add vermouth to that?"] "I was making two drinks at the same time, so you probably don't know what you saw." [He's an asshole]

—Je ne sais quoi. [Fr: "I know not what." An indefinable something]

"Don't you love her, Richard?" [Estrella, a nine-year-old girl]

—Everybody knows a beautiful little girl when they see one.

"Your girlfriend is a drip."

—How many drips does it take to make a rainbow cry?

"Tell me, what do women want?"

—"Trust me, we have no idea what we want!" ... To Be Understood.

"Where did you find all this out?"

—In the men's room at Columbia Medical School ... That bathroom is a joke, if you didn't know ... We don't have ministers – We just have personal experiences.

"Don't do too much."

—Where did you learn to do that?

"Don't touch me."

—You don't need to be that good – You can be bad sometimes.

"I can't give you what I don't have."

—Are you a magician? Now you see it, now you don't! Is that a magic trick?

"What do you say?"

—Live it up! ... Don't be pushy! Look what happened to the Jews.

"Do you consider yourself an independent woman?" [Interrogation of Indian actress on 60 Minutes]

—I'm trying to make a living.

"Do you need pot? Do you need pot?"

—Oh, yeah ... We have a lot of money – We paper the walls with it – We have it under the rugs.

"So everyone can become enlightened."

—What if they don't want to be enlightened?

"Are you enlightened?"

—Totally. Try to be there when it comes; try to be there when it stops; that's how they used to say it.

"Where are you?"

—Someplace where they're smart – Why, I don't know – A graveyard of old machinery – I want a nuclear plant and a Wal-Mart! – They're very happy – No resistance to change.

"Big one! — Where did you go?"

—Where there's no fog.

"Why did you ask me where I'm from?"

—Just wondered.

"Where are you from?" [From a sleazy shop keeper]

—No one likes it.

["I found out after work my mother had died at the moment I pulled off the highway and dreamt she was behind me, digging a hole in the sand ... over in North Carolina."] "Where in North Carolina?"

—The place of enchantment.

"That's your idea of a good wine? Where did you grow up again?"

—Sometimes it does pay to be ignorant.

"Where was your God on Tuesday?"

—It's better to have a friend than money.

"Where is your arm?" [From a little boy to a one-armed woman]

—So many things have happened to me I don't know what they are.

["You know what's really good? — McDonald's coffee!"] "I've never had any."

—It's the glitter.

"It's hard for me to know where you're coming from."

—One tricky situation after another.

"Oh, you know, we've had you before."

—No exaggeration!

"Chica is a real dog."

—Don't put all your love on one thing or one person.

"Do you have a large envelope?"

—It's really hidden away.

"I feel you're not committed."

—No, I'm not – It all depends on what you don't do – Ever since they closed Napa State Hospital, it's hard to get committed – I totally submerge myself in you, and you totally submerge yourself in me, and we have gigantic silent fights.

"Why do you take things so personally?"

—If someone tries to kill you, smite them! ... It's The Song of Moses (Deuteronomy 32:1-47) ... Every week it gets easier.

"You're being too touchy."

—It must be a racial memory.

"Where are the dogs?"

—Don't let the cat out of the bag, whatever you do.

"Where are the boys?" [Your dogs]

—I fell in love with a banana and married it.

"He's making whoopee in my garden."

—I'm hip!

"He peed in my yard."

—More or less normal.

"So what's the latest news? You've got that newspaper."

—The whole trick is to have intuition.

"I know you really don't hate me."

—Just send it back!

"We've got to stop at an ATM — so I can pay you!"

—Makes life nice.

"Do you swim?"

—Do you like doing it?

"You don't get to swim?"

—It's in the blood.

"Don't do that!"

—A word to the wise is sufficient.

"What don't you understand?"

—You've got an answer for everything, don't you? ... like a little angel.

"Go back to Kansas!"

—First things first, and we'll let you wear long pants.

"Are you sure you're Yale material?"

—People don't really have talent ... They have connection with the part of them that can just do things ... I guess it's called expressing yourself ... I read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn ... teaches white kids not to work ... That's the problem with a lot of people ... They won't do anything.

["We have to build up America again!" "You mean, by breeding with beautiful women?"] "I think your generation can take care of that."

—Winston Churchill says, "The further back I look, the further forward I can see."

"You've got all the ideas, don't you?"

—You know, I thought of that, too.

"Don't quit your day job."

—I'm waiting for virtual insanity.

"Don't be a girl."

—Because the Red Sox lost.

"Don't you dogs get bathed?"

—Apparently not.

"Don't move this! We need this!" [Shopping cart blocking the whole aisle]

—I'm waiting.

"Hey, buddy, I don't like your face."

—I was never cute.

"Why don't you move ... if you don't like it."

—Making money!

"You don't like the wine?"

—Is this new?

"You don't work Saturday?"

—Just let the world go by – Don't do anything.

"I'm a psychotherapist."

—You know, it almost makes you feel normal.

["What's your profession?"] "I don't work."

—You're not under the gun.

"I'm a housewife."

—It's a wise person who knows what they like to do.

"I'm blind. I'm very sensitive to light and no one knows why. It's very frustrating."

—That's a treasure of energy.

"You shouldn't be so sensitive."

—You have to see the opposite side of things.

"Actually, that should have been: Quit hiding behind anonymity [on the Internet], then we'll talk. Not sure why I felt the need to change it."

—Is my hair red? [See Richard.htm]

"This site has a lot of potential. Put it in a different format, then we'll talk."

—You needn't consider not talking as one of your problems. [See VerbalTools.com]

"So what do you do, dude?"

—I gather coconuts.

"You wouldn't do that; you're not that kind of guy."

—When you're wised up, you don't buy too much.

"What do you look like?" [In a chat room on the Web]

—A model citizen.

"Do I look like God?"

—Don't hit any plants.

"What did you do?" [Plastic surgery]

—Play Melancholy Baby for me.

["I like the tracks."] "Do you?"

—You don't have to spend years cleaning up.

"You don't love me."

—Do you know who Lochinvar is?

"Now what are you crying about?"

—A knight in shining armor.

"Do you love me?"

—It's like a beast riding at night.

"To complete the bond ..." [Reciprocating a pair of Indian Friendship Feathers]

—We just think things, and they happen.

"Mom, where do babies come from?"

—Two experts — Maybe you ought to talk to a neutral, like an ex-Jesuit.

"You're a little skinny, aren't you?"

—It's not your hatred that did it.

"How do you know?"

—Fish tremble at the mention of my name.

"You always do that."

—What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? (A nervous wreck)

["It's going to be a cold, frosty night."] "How do you know that? Are you a meteorologist?"

—The big problem is to think you're the only one.

"What do you know about that?"

—I surprise myself.

"I'm just funny that way — That's just something that I do."

—Always wait until tomorrow.

["Do you live far away?"] "I don't live here."

—We're almost the same.

[Something to say to your ex-wife]

—Happy people are all alike – Unhappy people all have a different way to be unhappy. (From Leo Tolstoy)

"You win some and you lose some."

—I wouldn't say that's killing you, right?

"Even when you win, you lose."

—Maybe you'll move to a higher plain of sophistication.

"Where's your car?"

—Just in time! ... because you never know what people are carrying.

"Where's Blackie?"

—You can say the W word.

"Hey, hey! Where's the fucking fire?"

—Next is "Who are you?"

"I'LL KILL YOUR ASS ... DON'T YOU KNOW I COULD BLOW YOU AWAY?"

—Erase the anathema!

"How many ways are there to kill yourself?"

—It sure would make life easy.

"I'll kill him if he does anything weird!"

—Very healthy.

"Support mental health or I'll kill you!" [Bumper sticker]

—No one goes there – Just don't cut your thumbs off.

"I wanted to rip the president's head off, if I had him in front of me I would shoot him in the groined area." (Sue Niederer, who is being investigated by the Secret Service for this remark, originally posted on counterpunch.org)

—Well, think of the brain drain.

"I just feel like killing everybody."

—A negative return on investment.

"I wanna kill you!"

—Take a number!

"If you ever tell him, I'll kill you!"

—Don't aggravate me while I'm working.

"Well, I am worried because we're not getting this done on time."

—It's not going to be that hard.

"Bring it on!" [War chant]

—We'll see about that.

"What are you on?"

—There's no need to.

"What is going on with you?"

—Is that sick?

"That stuff doesn't turn me on."

—Delusions of grandeur and happiness don't mix.

"I love your hair color — what number is it?"

—Eat your heart out!

"I have no problem with women."

—Men and women are just the same, huh?

"Men and women are just the same."

—I could tell you more.

"What is the secret of women?"

—Total despair — They don't have that gene.

"Cutting men's testicles."

—Oh, how can you attack your mother? She just made beets.

"So, what do you look for in a woman?"

—Because it grows better that way.

"Robert, quit looking at my breasts." [From, Everybody Loves Raymond]

—You have a really nice touch.

"Are your eyes full?"

—Pretty wholesome, huh?

"Did you twist your neck?"

—Where's your mirror?

"Those are my breasts."

—Where have I been? — I thought I had X-ray vision!

"Do you like what you see?"

—You want me to say no, don't you?

"Don't walk away from me!"

—I don't fool around — especially with artists.

"Yeah, if you're not confused, you're not paying attention! Or maybe you are. Junior wants some Ritalin!" [Link]

—I am myself ... Good-bye.