"Are your hands clean?"

—Just for a while.

"[Henry David] Thoreau tried to make a virtue out of lack of rhythm. He said that the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. Okay, but how did he know? He didn't talk to that many people. He wrote elegantly about independence and forgot to thank his mom for doing his laundry." (–Garrison Keillor)

—It's very hard to remember these things.

"September: Time to lighten up and get a grip." (–Garrison Keillor)

—At least ... With millions of little silver picture frames on it ... People are asleep ... and they're mean, too, if you wake them up.

"Lighten up. Get a grip. Leave morose silence to teenagers; it's too dramatic for you and me." (–Garrison Keillor)

—I was experimenting.

"Nothing is so cheerful as the urge to commit art. The purpose of all great art is to give courage and thereby cheer us, just as the purpose of education is fundamentally cheerful — to draw us out of gloomy solitude and into a conversation with other scholars." (–Garrison Keillor)

—Roses grow on new wood; they don't grow on the old stuff ... Every day you do something ... It's like making rounds.

"I was negligent; it happened so fast."

—Just a little touch.

"Why don't you let the kids go upstairs and take a shower together?"

—What did you ever do?

"Why don't you let her take a shower with Ricky?" [Your mother, to a classmate's mother, when you were just kids]

—You don't have to struggle to make things good.

"Speak for yourself!"

—The deepest parts of you are the smartest.

"Something bad is going to happen."

—Maybe you've corrupted yourself.

"Maybe something will happen."

—Something funny.

"Speak for yourself! — Do I look very happy to you?"

—I learned my lesson.

"It's not a clinic – It's a dentist's office!"

—Okay! Let's let it go.

"Please remember you do not speak for Dad."

—Do you still think you're missing something?

"Who needs a brain when you have these?" [Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirt for young women]

—It's better to not do your homework and get A's and B's than to do your homework and get A's and B's.

"You know, one of these days you're going to be sorry."

—I know it's a jungle out there.

"We show respect for people."

—We've come a long way, haven't we?

"These are fake comebacks."

—Never noticed it, huh?

"Aii! You could have killed me!"

—I left my gun at home.

"One of these days you're going to go straight to hell."

—Next to the railroad station.

"Get into bed or I'll spank you!"

—You can get in a downskid.

"Don't test my patience."

—You've got the Blue Ridge blues!

"This is private property."

—They've got everybody coming and going.

"They think we're public property."

—It's good to get along with people.

"You've been warned."

—In the end, the race is only with yourself.

—Just a renegade.

—Yet another level of socialization.

"If you want, I could make you an extra in the Mayfire commercial."

—For some stupid reason.

"You have to WANT the job ... like, how hard girls have to work ... and they have to be willing to do anything."

—The problem is, you can't do what you want to do.

"Show me your bra, because you would make a great bra spokesmodel."

—You like that stuff, huh?

"Now remove it."

—That's civilization — You hurt yourself to keep from hurting others.

"You are letting people do things to you."

—For no reason at all.

"You are allowing people to treat you that way."

—A little chilly, huh?

"Don't worry."

—The smart thing to do is nothing.

"Don't worry about it."

—I'm no worse than you.

"Don't worry — It happens to lots of guys."

—There's nothing wrong with being strong.

"Don't even worry about it."

—Wait a week or two and see what happens.

"Why do you worry so much? You're worrying, you're worrying, you're worrying."

—It's just to understand what's going on.

"Cor-rect!"

—Everyone should listen to their mother.

"Hey, Richard, correct me if I'm wrong."

—Did you ever hear the saying, "Between the devil and the deep blue sea ..." —?

"One more comment like that and you won't be getting anything at all."

—I'm just like my father.

"No comment."

—I kid you not.

"Is your baby sleeping through the night yet?"

—Big deal ... You need more faith.

"Richard, that's your Kesdjan body [Astral body]. You can't see it because it's you. That's your problem. Look it up. It's something good."

—Why do I have to use words to talk?

"Come on! What are you, sleeping?"

—Maybe it also helps you heal.

"Don't let the bastards get you down."

—Children have a way of curing people – if you're nice to them.

[Parting shots]

—My lucky day!

"I am offended and furious about your remarks on women in science and mathematics. Arguments of innate gender difference in math are hogwash and indirectly serve to feed the virulent prejudices still alas very alive and now even more so due to your ill-informed remarks." (–Maud Lavin, associate professor at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, after Harvard president Lawrence H. Summers suggested that innate sex differences may leave women less capable in tenacious pursuit of math and science)

—Or five thousand years of breeding ... So that's no more?

"Why do so many people hate you?"

—Even if there are things wrong with me, why can't people like me?

"Why do so many people hate us?"

—Someone told me they explode — They're cheap, too.

"Bad people don't know they're bad."

—Next they'll say I killed the dog – As if dogs don't die anyway.

"Have a great day, and watch out for those phony people!"

—All you need is a brain.

"People say it is sometimes better to hide the truth. Why? Give me an example."

—Just an ordinary school.

"Mean people suck."

—And they left in a huff.

"Why, are we mean people?"

—If men were angels, we wouldn't need laws.

"You're having an identity crisis."

—If men weren't monkeys, we wouldn't need cages.

"I didn't get heartburn at all!"

—Thank God for the Church!

"Just go in there and do the hootchy-kootchy!"

—Don't volunteer!