"Do you want his home phone number?" [Donald Duck voice]

—So cute! – It all comes back to you – When are you going to learn to talk right? – The front is like fancy, and the rest is a block of ice!

[Someone mimicking you blinking your eyes]

—You don't have to overdo it ... Just so you saw it.

[Someone mimicking you scratching your chin]

—Including your own ... They have a new edition of The Great Gatsby out.

"You're cured."

—Are you bad when you don't know things?

"Uggh!" [Catching a whiff of a surprising body odor]

—It's really shocking how many people are mean and sadistic. [See, "From Someone Who Smells."]

"Yuck!" [Catching a whiff of a psychological secret]

—That part of you is alive.

"They say she's lost her looks."

—I wonder if they're that dumb.

"If you move to Seattle and I move to New York, we can get together if you don't find someone else."

—I know, I know! That's life!

"Looks like a snake." [Your rawhide bracelet]

—Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[Someone tailgating you at a high speed]

—There are a million ways a baby can react when they don't get milk.

"How does a burrito sound to you?"

—Hey, we're not on a cruise ship.

"You smell go-ood!" [Two guys carrying on in front of their dates]

—That's obvious.

"Don't smell it." [The seat cushion]

—Who does?

"What is that smell?"

—One ugly thing after another.

"Run, Toto!" [Mickey Mouse voice]

—It's just another friend.

"Those dogs are ready to go!"

—Sharp.

"He needs a leash and the other one doesn't?"

—Rufus, you old rascal! While you're at it, bring me a mint julep out on the veranda.

"So, are you almost ready to use the shovel?"

—It's a match made in heaven.

"Ready to go?"

—Better sooner than later.

"I'm prepared for anything, Richard."

—Ice and all.

"He's so ugly, bless his heart!"

—Everything he sees now will be part of his mind.

"U.G.L.Y. — You Ain't Got No Alibi."

—Even before that.

"Hey, Lindsy, why don't you come and sit on my lap?"

—I think you ought to get a helmet with horns.

["Why did you ask me to move?"] "I wanted to make a U-turn." [They honk, and even when you move to a nearby parking space away from the driveway you thought you were blocking, they honk again, because all they wanted to do was make a U-turn to grab the parking space – Essentially, no matter what you do, you're in their way]

—You have a friend?

"You've got ugly you'll never use."

—If you had shit on your face, you'd be pretty.

"I'm looking for a guy with a job and no hang-ups."

—I still am very naive about certain things.

"As long as he doesn't get laid off – His job is at the pleasure of the Governor."

—That might miss the larger reality.

"Check your skirt at the door."

—Dress is optional.

"The sun's come out ... I wish I'd brought shorts ... although I bet you guys are glad I didn't bring shorts." [Also see Self-attack]

—Let's not get diagnostic yet ... People don't like to be told how they feel.

"It's better to be dead than ugly."

—You've been talking to a teenage girl.

"Are we that ugly? — He's hiding."

—That's not fair — I wouldn't worry about it.

"I look ugly."

—LOUSY TIP!

"You're ugly."

—From your lips to God's ear.

[Someone mocking or pointing at your spouse, who's overweight]

—Everything reflects on you.

"I am just curious to know which nightclub she's from."

[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]

"Le' poo poo on you Andee. Big globs of poo poo for you you. Mmmm. Poo poo. You like poo poo. Taxi1010!!! Poo poo! Woo hoo!"

—Just get a scoop.

[Tongue stuck out]

—I don't think you have to do that.

"I am what you name me."

—Look at the little angel.

"What's your name?"

—Which one?

"What's your first name?"

—Hydrogen.

"What's your last name?"

—Hydrogen. You must be Helium.

"What's your middle name?"

—H.

"What's her name?" [Your daughter's]

—Same thing.

"What's your phone number?"

—It's in the phone book.

"Well, what's your name?"

—That's in the phone book, too.

"You can go to any college you want, except Harvard – I'm not paying for Harvard."

—What's in it for me? – Does that make you happy?

"I like you best when you're asleep."

—I have to eat – I'm getting older.

"So what's your name?"

—I don't even think I had a name – I'll have to look at my birth certificate.

"Well, then, what's your name?"

—Sorry — I left my identity at home.

"Inevitable drip."

—It was perfect timing, but backwards.

"Do I have a name, man?"

—Now what are you going to do?

"You don't know my name."

—People don't want anyone to be what they really are.

"Well! She has a name! Maureen."

—You know, there's people who prey on people who don't.