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ATTACKS
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BRIDGE
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SILENT BACKUP
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"What do you do about bullies?"
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—Nothing special.
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—Get out of the way, hide ... That's right, hide! ... Vita umbrellis
... Life in the shade.
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"Everybody's done something."
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—What's missing?
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—Everybody wants smart people in their country.
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"What is your zip code?"
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—Everything's changing.
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—What good are acres on the moon? ... Someday people will give
up all this crap.
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"You're sixty?"
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—Many moons.
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—Just pretend you're in a meadow filled with sheep.
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"How did a guy like you manage to stay single for so long?"
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—Nothing special.
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—Resurrection of the body ... I love being single.
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"She found you difficult, and that is a recurrent
theme." [Critique from a manager]
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—Everything's changing.
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—I'm in no position to even see what's going on ... So let's do
that now.
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"You are no longer part of the team – I
have to let you go." [–Thomas F. Hall, Assistant Secretary of
Defense for Reserve Affairs, to Major General Antonio M. Taguba, who had
been ordered to investigate the Abu Ghraib prison abuse scandal, then
told he had been overzealous]
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—Everything's changing.
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—This is why they dream of going to Mars.
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"Keeps you busy." [Condescendingly]
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—What's missing?
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—We have to circle back and get our eye on the ball.
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"How long is it going to take?"
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—Everything's changing.
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—Your alarm clock is going off.
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"I wonder why I'm such an alarmist. And I wonder
why I get extremely scared sometimes over things that
don't seem like they should be scary."
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—What's missing?
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—Just be sure you chop the garlic, and add the chicken broth before
you make it ... What does it mean, hiding? ... Listening to people say
how great it is ... That's it! ... Don't tell your mother ... Donner just
fucked Blitzen!
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"What supplies do you need?"
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—What's missing?
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—Do I get a pill soon?
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"What kind of car do you drive?"
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—Nothing special.
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—That's what they say, you know?
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"Do you have a medallion, or do you work off of someone else's?"
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—Everything's changing.
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—Out of the darkness into the light.
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"Do you lease this cab?"
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—Nothing special.
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—It doesn't matter what you do.
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"What company do you work for?"
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—Everything's changing.
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—It isn't what you think.
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"I could never live on this street, buddy."
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—Everything's changing.
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—Maybe it's too rich for our blood.
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"There's so many papers on this street."
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—What's missing?
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—You try, you try.
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"You can play the age card all you want, but there's no job on earth
where someone is one hundred percent happy."
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—What's missing?
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—It all depends what kind of person you are ... Not everyone
can do that ... They're torn between glamor and a pleasant life ...
I don't deserve to be this happy ... I just can't help it!
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"How long have you been driving a cab?"
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—Many moons.
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—Some of them are very nice and some of them are total idiots.
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"I am having trouble understanding how to use your
taxi1010.com site. Specifically, how do you memorize
the insults, with the bridges, with the follow-ups?"
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—What's missing?
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—You don't have to – Miners in South Africa follow seams of
gold.
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"Who are you looking at?"
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—Everything's changing.
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—Just us ... I'm an orphan ... Mr. Knot ... This is Father
Time ... Coming home to do an honest day's work ... You're not supposed
to just avoid trouble ... Then your mother says, "Why do you eat
so much?" ... It'll destroy you, I'm not kidding.
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"What are you looking at?" [Stranger challenging
you]
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—What's missing?
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—You're in good company.
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"Why are you looking at me?" [From a US Marine
sergeant]
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—What's missing?
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—I'm going to join the Army tomorrow.
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"What in the hell are you looking at?" [High-and-mighty
woman standing by the side of the road]
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—What's missing?
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—You don't count.
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"WHAT? What are you looking at?"
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—Everything's changing.
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—I don't know ... I don't keep track of that ... I don't like to
dwell on that ... The Wolf Man ... That's how you can find out
about people ... The powers that be are happy ... Better dogs than
policemen ... You know, this is how I earn my living ... Come on, give
me a break – My kid broke his tooth ... You're not missing
that much ... It's not a very nice place ... It looks like you're
on the way out ... I'm not counting on anything.
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"Is there a problem with my car?"
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—Nothing special.
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—Very alert!
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"I saw you looking at it."
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—What's missing?
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—It never hurts to be friendly.
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"Stop looking at me like that."
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—Nothing special.
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—I can live without it ... Did you ever read The Way of All Flesh
by Samuel Butler?
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"You put me in a lot of stress."
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—Everything's changing.
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—The longer you stay around, the less you have to do.
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"You may never know what I've done for you."
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—What's missing?
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—Don't ask and don't count on it is my philosophy of life.
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"A healthy way to express yourself, but could have been done
differently."
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—What's missing?
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—Running engines backwards.
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"You probably shouldn't have done it."
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—What's missing?
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—You may have expected me to know things I couldn't possibly know ...
No, no! You have to learn that.
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"Do you know what this is? Can you help me find
one?" [Amish schoolhouse shooter, indicating his gun]
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—Everything's changing.
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—Wherever there is severe repression, people weave long elaborate
stories to get around it.
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"There's not going to be any homecoming this year – Mr.
Klang is not going to make it through homecoming."
[Weston School shooter]
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—Everything's changing.
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—They're unable to realize their parents are idiots.
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"Steers try; bulls get the job
done.''
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—What's missing?
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—Yeah, I'm really bad; I'm a really bad mother.
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"I don't know jack shit about what you do."
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—Everything's changing.
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—I'm beginning to hate the boss ... He's not working hard enough! ...
Maybe I should start a health clinic ... a milk farm for dogs ...
I've had it with the boss! ... The boss is a liar and doesn't do
anything!
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"Why isn't this done?" [Micromanager, who's
secretly "documenting" you]
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—What's missing?
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—Every time I think something bad's happened, something good's happened.
[See also "Have you just been sitting
here doing nothing all day?" at stargate41.htm]
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[Someone studiously ignoring you]
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—What's missing?
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—Great tragedy.
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"Sure! Absolutely." [As if to a child]
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—What's missing?
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—It's abysmal.
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"Some exciting life you've got there."
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—What's missing?
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—Why would someone hate what they're good at?
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"You can't lead the war on terror
if you keep changing positions."
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—What's missing?
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—Looking for something to do?
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"What are you doing? Look at the long line here."
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—Many moons.
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—Isn't it amazing how time flies?
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"You don't know where Valley Drive is? How long
have you been driving a cab?"
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—What's missing?
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—Very oppressive.
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"You don't charge an airport fee?"
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—Nothing special.
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—This is insidious.
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"How long have you been doing this?"
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—Everything's changing.
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—It's a whole career within a career.
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"How long have you been in the States?"
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—What's missing?
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—From birth.
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"How long you wait?"
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—Many moons.
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—No need.
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"How long did you live in Philadelphia?"
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—Many moons.
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—It's hard to know — I let my mind go.
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"How long have you been a cab driver?"
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—What's missing?
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—People are not what they used to be, let me put it that way.
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"How long did he stay?"
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—Nothing special.
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—Dealing cards?
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"Well, how long have you lived here?"
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—Many moons.
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—Who's counting? ... Since always ... It's timeless! ...
Let a million flowers bloom.
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"So how long have you lived in San Francisco?"
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—What's missing?
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—You're not jealous, are you?
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"You're taking the long way!"
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—Nothing special.
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—Sorry about that — I don't know what I was thinking.
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"XYZ — eXamine Your Zipper!"
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—What's missing?
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—Hold everything! ... I have mixed feelings coming here today.
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"Your zipper is down."
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—What's missing?
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—Make a great spy, huh?
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"I prefer the back roads."
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—What's missing?
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—It's an incentive.
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"What possessed you to write this?"
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—What's missing?
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—A little bird came and told me.
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"You've been busy."
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—Many moons.
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—The devil made me do it!
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"You busy today?"
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—Nothing special.
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—Once in a while you should take it easy.
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"You're busy today!"
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—Everything's changing.
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—Today's a good day not to go to work.
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"Busy day today?"
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—Nothing special.
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—I'm taking a paid holiday inside myself.
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"You are not a team player."
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—Everything's changing.
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—Different people are good at different things.
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"Stop looking at us."
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—What's missing?
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—I'll get ideas how to torture you.
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"What are you looking at me for?"
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—What's missing?
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—Would that be a hardship?
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"What are you looking for?" [Manager challenging
you]
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—Nothing special.
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—I don't even know if it's that important.
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"Are you looking for somebody?" [Hostess at
a fine restaurant]
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—Nothing special.
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—Something nice.
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"Are you looking for someone?" [Stranger challenging
you]
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—What's missing?
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—You wouldn't know it.
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"Can I help you find something?" [Stranger
challenging you]
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—What's missing?
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—You've got a ways to go.
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"This is obviously a guy who likes to stir things
up."
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—Everything's changing.
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—It's happening less and less.
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"Playing the game is street smarts."
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—What's missing?
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—You can't really get to someone from the outside.
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"You're not going to go on 9th Street?"
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—Everything's changing.
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—That's another story.
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"Have a bushel full of wonderful moments."
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—What's missing?
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—You're not supposed to be what some gypsy tells you is in your
future.
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"How long" questions have been a thorn in my side for quite some time. They
come in many forms:
Finally, I heard my friend David Daniels talking about "Mexican time" and knew
he was close to the truth.
The problem, of course, is that "how long" questions require far too many cognitive
decisions: (1.) two end points in time; (2.) their precision; (3.) their
veracity; (4.) their difference; (5.) further implications; (6.) unforeseen
consequences.
(b.) Let's see ... a while ....
(c.) We'll see.
(d.) It depends.
(e.) About five months, I'm not sure.
(f.) Nobody knows.
(h.) Always changing ... How come?
(j.) 1.7 miles.
As you can see, even a raft of indeterminate answers has a wildly fluctuating
quality. They leave you pondering, furrowing your brow, slightly distracted,
while all along you're a sitting duck! It's hard to even determine an indeterminate
answer!
You get out of your car, just as a complete stranger, loitering along with
a few buddies, says, "Nice BMW! How long have you had that?"
"Hurray! I found the missing link! I've been trying to solve a particularly
thorny issue for the last eight years, and finally discovered the bridge! The
problem (in its simplest form) is what do you say back when someone says, "How
long ago was that?" or "How long
will it take?" or "How long have you been working
on it?" or "How long have you been in the States?"
This problem has been a huge thorn in my side, and people have sensed it, too!
They take one look at me and ask me one of those "How long ..." questions
as sort of a way to undermine me, or to stop me from living on Mexican time!
I've had this dream, Amoret, for quite some time – many moons! –
that once I solved this piece of the puzzle, success would be at hand! So it's
webified now. And the two-word bridge is also disguised inside this paragraph!
See if you can find it!"
08-APR-2008.
