"I am confident that I will get her votes if I am the nominee; it is not clear that she would get the votes I got, if she were the nominee." (–Barack Obama, referring to Hillary Clinton)

—The scoop on him is, he's a total liar, and he's a professional.

"Are you trying to be a talk-show host, or what?" [Student to Professor of Journalism]

—That's nothing! – In two years I'm going to enlist in the Israeli Army as a cross-eyed sniper.

"I learned nothing from this class." [Anonymous course evaluation]

—You don't know what you're dealing with here – You think you're dealing with people of reason.

"I did not learn anything in this class besides a strong dislike of The N.Y. Times. There was no journalistic background taught." [Anonymous course evaluation]

—I wish everyone was like you – It's very good to have other things to do – even reading.

"Professor Holmberg is the worst professor I've had at N.Y.U." [Anonymous course evaluation]

—Nice atmosphere – Maybe a few more people will quit and we'll have peace and quiet around here.

"Professor Holmberg is a great editor." [Anonymous course evaluation]

—I never do things right the first time, but I do on the second, especially if it's pancakes!

"Nothing really matters to me."

—There are people who like to build castles in the air ... like where have all the holocausts gone?

"I know what's going on."

—Even when it's bad.

[Tribal (and frightening) scream from a passing car]

—"Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis." —Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Surely a mumbled 'cockfarmer' is all that's needed in most situations?" [Link from ilXor.com]

—Real ones, too, believe me.

"What's going on?"

—Take time, or time will not be taken ... If you didn't spend so much time drinking, you would know.

"So how long is this construction supposed to go on?"

—There's just so much you can't keep up with.

"I love the quizzical look people give me: What the fuck are you talking about, Juda?"

—No one can see through another person's eyes.

"I don't know what I'm doing here; I don't even want to be talking to you." [She's sitting across from you at a cocktail party, proving she's not wearing underpants]

—Be jealous of your attention, and greedy for beautiful impressions.

"How do I deal with conversations I find boring?"

—Sounds like a painting, doesn't it? – I'm glad you have a sense of humor about it – Ask yourself in situations like that, what am I afraid of? – They want long discussions just to torture you – Just realize, you don't have to – If you live in the jungle, why not get to know the animals? – Isn't that great? – Olive drab scratchy wool blankets – Inside you can try to have fine feelings, fine sensations – There's a lot of jungle! They don't call it jungle anymore ... They call it forest – Full of trees gone to seed – Very old stuff – I'm thinking I might – You could feel hate without expressing it – It's like hunter's vision – All animals love sugar – Cats are different – It's like horses ... they love sugar – Well, look at it this way ... Don't ever bite a grape!

"What's the occasion?"

—You're not missing anything.

"Going out?"

—How or why I don't know.

"What street are you going to?"

—A lot of pressure.

"What up?"

—It's all fluid and crazy and stupid.

"Nobody move, please. We are going back to the airport. Don't try to make any stupid moves ... We have some planes ... Just stay quiet and you'll be okay. We are returning to the airport." [Recorded voice on hijacked American Airlines Flight 11 before it was crashed into the World Trade Center]

—Cell phones ... It's open season.

"Like what?"

—Once you know one, you know 'em all.

"Maybe I could do that if I had thirty years of experience."

—Probably you can replace the tension with words.

"Do you know what?"

—You'll catch on — It just takes time.

"Guess what?"

—It's the only game in town.

"You have to guess."

—People miss out if they only see the surface.

"You're doing good, I guess."

—Making money is tantamount to making shit.

"What a beautiful day, David. Why aren't you smiling?"

—Past a certain point there's no reason to.

"What happened to your hand?" [To avoid "the iron grip," you're shaking hands with your left hand]

—It's so warped and twisty, who cares?

"What makes you so special?"

—Total recall.

"Listen to another person – You already know what you know."

—What did the insane hot dog man say? (Make me one with everything!)

"What did I do now?"

—Did it shine in the dark?

"What do you do to get a nice girlfriend like that?"

—And then some.

"What is the right way to kiss a girl?"

—I think it's from the grapes.

"Be careful what you wish for!"

—Rules are rules.

"What is the meaning of life?"

—Life has no meaning ... Life is an experience ... "It's man's purpose on earth to express himself, to bring form to thoughts, and to discover meaning in experience." (–Calvin & Hobbes)

"What does that tell you?"

—I guess that's it.

"So what?"

—The best revenge is a good life.

"WHAT!?" [She's wearing a microskirt]

—And how about in your refrigerator?

"What!? ... What!?"

—TOO HOT! ... I'm sure I don't know.

"What is that?"

—Do you need antlers?

"This is exactly what I'm talking about."

—I had a very warped childhood.

"You know what they say."

—What a combination!

"There's no love in this house." [Six-year-old Megan, a bright young girl in Scotland, to her mother]

—Is anyone bad to you? Nobody in school is bad to you?

"I miss daddy."

—Trying to drum up business maybe.

"I miss you."

—Hundreds of times – A little bit, a little bit, a little bit – And birds. And squirrels – I was thinking of a swan – So you have to have a tunnel – Keeps things from spiraling too fast.

"Why don't you get a job?"

—If you could.

"The world would be better off without people like you."

—I'm a stranger here myself.

"You can't just say it sucks without saying why."

—If you get a dog, you have to expect that.

"You can't just say, 'It won't work.' What are your reasons? You have to back it up. You can't just play a devil's advocate here."

—The front end of the horse and the rear end of the horse are two different people.

"You have to defend yourself if you're going to say that."

—You don't have to fight anything.

"It's hard to condemn a whole company based on an interview with one individual."

—Near the Dead Sea.

"What did they think?"

—Enough to make it worth our while, I guess.

"This is what I found – Don't take it personally."

—Me go to heaven, you fry! – That's what Christianity is ... Do you think Christians are better than other people?

"Did Jesus have a sense of humor?"

—Does God have antlers?

"Jesus! — Take my head off!"

—It comes in handy, doesn't it?

"What happened to the Air Force Academy?"

—What a change!

"Bob, what did you do with the sun?"

—Maybe there is a God.

"Talk is cheap."

—You'd be surprised.

"Words are cheap."

—Say what?

"You had 100 billion chances and ways to have avoided today but you decided to spill my blood. You forced me into a corner and gave me only one option. The decision was yours. Now you have blood on your hands that will never wash off." [–Cho Seung-Hui "Ismail Ax"]

—I wonder if someone lives just around the corner who likes you? ... You never got the chance to value yourself ... I think that's the way I learned to pay attention to myself ... I was totally put down and ignored ... What else can I do?

"Your Mercedes wasn't enough, you brats. Your golden necklaces weren't enough, you snobs. Your trust funds wasn't enough. Your vodka and cognac wasn't enough. All your debaucheries weren't enough. Those weren't enough to fulfill your hedonistic needs. You had everything."

—How would you know? – What are you sure of? – Maybe years ago – Maybe even earlier – The idea is not quantity, it's quality – Quality and subtlety of attention is important – You have to develop an inner barometer to tell what your inner weather is – The reason is probably separation anxiety – Anger, hurt and jealousy over something are secondary – Come back from the mountain.

"You have vandalized my heart, raped my soul and torched my conscience. You thought it was one pathetic boy's life you were extinguishing. Thanks to you, I die like Jesus Christ, to inspire generations of the weak and the defenseless people."

—It's very hard to understand – It's not a lot – Your parents are enormous attention grabbers – Big shots! – Too many demands – People who put you down and fill you with hurt are stealing your attention – The way they act has nothing to do with the way they feel about you – They'll do anything to get attention – If you ever want to talk to someone, you can talk to me.

"You caused me to do this." [–Virginia Tech shooter]

—It is a sad thing – It hurts a lot – You scum! – I hope you're not afraid of ghosts. [Feelings of worthlessness or helplessness, feeling unloved, or feeling lonely all come about because people cannot accept their separation anxiety – Instead of wanting their mother or father, they try to act like Napoleon – We're all like this – It's not yearning for careers – It's where you place your attention – The master claps twice! ... and a black box the size of a man is brought into the room – Value yourself, want yourself, find yourself, listen to yourself, look for yourself, cling to yourself, be yourself ... and the black box opens – Inside is a magic forest, a clearing, and little animals dart across ... Be better than other people, and the black box closes]

"Now I'll go out in style ... I'll be famous." [–Omaha mall shooter]

—Very vindictive, pouts, blames other people, thinks he's better than other people ... Now you all back off! ... Our fearless leader.

"Reach out to loners? But how do you talk to someone like dat? Leave sum advice."

—Voice mail: "I'll really miss you when you're gone. Is this when the cheap rates go in? I'll be glad when you're dead, you rascal, you!" ... It's a light touch ... You shouldn't make fun of someone ... Don't mock your own! ... You're another! ... You feel hurt, too ... Everyone does ... All loneliness is separation anxiety, brought about by people who steal your attention, so the idea is to do or say less! ... The great secret of acting is, Be an Oil Painting ... Do what you're doing ... Do less! ... Many times! ... "Sense Location 1005," because if people say, "Location 5," people don't take it seriously ... If I could go back in a time machine, I could think of a lot of people I'd like to shoot – I'd be yet another great assassin, but don't have enough money for a good lawyer.

"Are you lonely?"

—My companions are like the stars — No matter which one you follow, you are on the right path.

"I don't know what is going on here."

—That's really tough stuff.

"If you're not paranoid, you don't know what is going on around here."

—It's very frightening to have a mother and father.

"When are you going to sell it?" [Your life story]

—It's like a labyrinth you go through to find out who the curator is.

"I always sense that Carson is on guard, wary." [Mike Wallace to Johnny Carson]

—It doesn't stay.

"Richard must see that going on all night." [Two dogs attacking each other]

—They're more restrained.

"Oh, boy, you're going to get some hot pussy tonight!" [Street person trailing you and your date after you've seen a play in a seedy theater district]

—Any tips? ... Didn't he have a great technique?

"What was I going to say?"

—What did King Tut say?

"Hey, guys, where are we going?"

—I want my mummy!

"I forgot what I was going to say."

—Just stick with it.

"We have attempting to figure out what is going on."

—In the mass culture, they don't want 'em to be too smart.

"Are you going somewhere?"

—Maybe I'll put instructions.

["I went to Dartmouth."] "I applied there, but I didn't get in."

—Did you know that you're riding with the Mozart of cab drivers?

"Don't tell me how to do my job."

—You don't want to be perfect.

"That's my job, man!"

—You just never know.

"Put your head down in shame!"

—I look up! ... and money is falling through the skylight.

"You don't want to put me out of work, do you?"

—It has nothing to do with reality.

"This is the American way."

—Just take your time.

"I know what THAT means!"

—That's what they all say!

"I know just what you're thinking."

—The others don't.

"Nothing stays the same anymore."

—The same thing every day, right? – Jesus is so transitional – You have a rising star and a falling star at the same time.

"Nothing stays in one place."

—It's the memory.

"Don't say hello or anything — just ignore us."

—It must hurt.

"No good-morning, no nothing!"

—Allah loves the lazy.

"It was a quiet summer night."

—Well, I don't want to say anything.

"That's right, call the police. There isn't any proof. There's nothing that can be proved."

—Another victim.

"It's like having to take a big shit, and there's nothing there."

—You don't have to carry a gun to kill someone.

"Hey, you said, 'shit!' — You learned a new word."

—Three words can say a million things.

"You learn something new every day."

—That little bit.

"Modern art."

—Down and dirty.

"Jesus loves you!"

—At least you don't suffer.

"Maybe you can get a higher-paying job."

—I think your job is so severe.

"You don't like your job? Maybe you could get some other job."

—You have leadership potential.

"You couldn't get 'taxi.com'?"

—Don't believe everything you think!

"He couldn't just ask you if he could use a chair?"

—He must come from a very weird family.

"Where there's a will, there's a way."

—They migrate.

"You know, there's good and there's bad."

—Further proof of my lineage.

"You're a little young to be retiring."

—That's not so bad.

[Someone betraying they didn't hear a word you said — They're too busy formulating their own preconceptions]

—What a lucky life!

"We want you to reflect on why you may have enemies."

—Pick up the White Man's Burden: the hatred of those you help; the fear of the ones you guard.

"There's something you don't understand."

—That's a lot.

"There's no such thing as a free lunch."

—Bubble universes.

"There's nothing original."

—Real sharp shells – What about the brain? – Everyone should have one – Learning to live within your means – Just one – I would try not to be too controlling – You know the story of seven lean years and seven fat years? – There'll be other times – You know, you can wait – So, I don't mind, I'm just reporting – All people really want to do is steal from other people.

"Have you ever faked an orgasm?"

—If I did everything my mother told me to do, I'd be a human pretzel.

"Hey! We're talking about your job here!"

—Support groups are good.

"I like you, Tommy. Personally, I think you're a great guy."

—I wonder what comes next?