"Well, can I just point out that in the last several debates, I seem to get the first question all the time. And I don't mind. I – you know, I'll be happy to field them, but I do find it curious, and if anybody saw 'Saturday Night Live,' you know, maybe we should ask Barack if he's comfortable and needs another pillow." (–Hillary Clinton)

—That's something that's taking you away from what you believe, or what you're conscious of.

["I'm proud of you."] "Nobody cares what you think."

—Did you go in your cave again?

"A computer can't make a mistake – It's only people."

—Your people! – Scottish-Irish, right? – What does all this mean? – It means the dumb are getting dumber! – You have to spend a week unscrewing them.

"What are some good comebacks when people call you names or make some 'yo mama' statements or things like that? I don't know any, and I came crying home one day from school because someone had called my family something that I don't want to say on this." [Question originally posted at Yahoo! Answers] – (Notice they don't come out with any facts)

—What a mind! Then my star is risen!

"They said something about my family I don't want to say here."

—Impressive ... Somebody taught you something wrong ... They're good, huh? ... It might be from drinking ... It's going to get bad anyway, so why get it good? ... Don't die! ... You either get it or you don't.

"Keep remaining sitting. We have a bomb on board." [Recorded voice on hijacked United Airlines Flight 93 before it was crashed into the Pennsylvania countryside on 9/11]

—"Consider the subtle difference between 'having no form' and having 'no form'; the first is ignorance, the second is transcendence." (–Bruce Lee)

"Bring it on!"

—I'm going to introduce you to your future. [Go for the biggest one]

"Yo' mama!"

—Everyone misses ... You're never going to be any richer than you are now ... Full of nouveau riche gutter snipes ... Is this a threat? ... World domination.

"You have a very popular site; I don't know if you can even talk to me anymore."

—That's been going on for years probably.

"You know, you could be popular."

—I don't want to be popular until I get to civilization.

"Yankee! Yankee!"

—They must love you, huh?

"The record speaks for itself."

—And if you don't, it's okay.

"Koo-chi, goo-chi, gooo!" [A crazy person getting too close to your baby]

—That's enough for today.

[A stranger continuing to get physical with your child]

—If I hurt your feelings, I'm very sorry.

"I can see you're not a Southern woman — You must be a Yankee."

—You shouldn't attack a woman with her child!

"Trying to get compliance on the Internet is like herding cats."

—Leave it for the mice.

["You can't drink four martinis! You only weigh a hundred and twenty pounds!"] [Inadvertently spoken within the earshot of her boss, who could drink four martinis]

—I'm sorry — I lost control of myself.

"There's only one thing wrong – She hasn't come over to visit me in my room." [Newscaster Lara Logan]

—Come on, sweetie! Out! Out!

"Why don't you think of other people?"

—I'm not having much trouble.

"Family is all we've got."

—Mine wasn't.

"We should be thoughtful of others, right?"

—To each according to their capacity.

"What made you think of that?"

—How do YOU feel when I tell YOU what to say?

"You think you're better than everyone."

—Give me a break!

"What makes you think you're so special?"

—What if you were like your mother and father?

"What else don't they have? — Think about it."

—Total contentment.

"I hate it! — What do you think?" [About her haircut]

—I don't care what the angels say to you.

"Listen, if you're not making enough money as a cab driver, you could get a job driving trucks – It's something to think about."

—I was walking in the woods with my sister, and God goaded me with sugar.

"You could be a Dominator – Put an ad in the personals."

—It's just regression – hormone storms.

"Always blaming me."

—A red heifer has to be born.

"I better quit while I'm ahead."

—You're not ahead, Ted.

"Well, even a 747 looks small when it lands in the Grand Canyon."

—What if a birdie crashes into it?

"Your memory is highly selective in you own self-interest and in no way reflects the facts or reality."

—Show me!

"No! She doesn't want to say it! That guy is a bum."

—I'm so dirty anyway, what's the difference?

"It's clear — Run the red light!"

—What do YOU have to lose?

"Go ahead! — Make the turn! — No one's around."

—It's a bad sign. [Also see, Peer Pressure]

"Your teacher thinks you could be doing a lot better."

—I'm not going to waste my affections on that child.

"Last notice - Please read - Finalization form enclosed."

—What do I need pain for?

"There's room for improvement."

—All I can say is, don't ever get gonorrhea.

"What are you doing to bring the B up?" [Your report card has four A's and one B]

—Don't tell me things like that!

"You people have brought untold sickness to our society."

—Crazy, sick, stupid and depraved.

"Looks like you brought us a little rain."

—It's going to get uglier.

[Someone pouring it on thick, punishing you for something you said]

—You could be making money! What are you doing that for?

"Icarus, for your information, girls will only like guys who are winners."

[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]

"You call this a menu?"

—Once in a while good things happen.

"Ask me if I give a flying fuck!"

—Keep asking.

"Who cares?"

—Some people ... Try harder! ... Not you! ... Nothing is bad, really.

"To ignore evil is to become an accomplice to it."

—It's too luxurious.

"Look up the word, 'sarcasm,' then try to use it ten times throughout the day."

—It's just expressions of hatred.

"If your idea was any good, someone would have thought of it already."

—That explains a lot.

"Hey! You must be wearing an Armani suit. Let's see." [Grabbing your jacket]

—Hands off!

"Mr. Armani!"

—Keep your hands to yourself!

"Mind if I have one of your cigarettes?"

—Don't bother 'em — Leave 'em alone! Bring your own.

"I think you're making a fashion statement."

—Anything helps.

"Hey! You're not allowed to stand in line here twice."

—If you don't mind.

"I'm going to allow you to get that."

—Only for really rich people.

"Not a bad idea."

—Don't forget to leave the register open.

"You're vain!"

—By whose authority?

"Some people just have too much time on their hands."

—You're right! — Never have anything to do with anyone like me.

"You're as dumb as you look."

—I'm a bad influence, right?

"The only thing that could stop George Bush is for some Black woman to come forward with an illegitimate baby."

—The child picks the parents!

"Do those shoes match?"

—I should think so!

"Your family has an odd dynamic."

—It's a little strange.

"Doesn't your family mean anything to you?"

—I'm barren and the whole village knows it and hates me!

"You're barren!"

—Oh, there's so many fish in the sea.

"Be careful how you say that."

—It's no big deal.

"Our computer is down."

—Thwarted again!

"I was just asking if you know how to use the computer."

—You can ease off a little.

"You read the world news, that's why I ask."

—So, who cares?

"That's shit!" [Under the breath, challenging authority]

—It's like ten nights in a barroom.

"That's bizarre."

—Good thinkin', Lincoln!

"You know, the last time you called, you said very strange and bizarre things."

—Put the spotlight on yourself!

"Hey, Richard! — I'm going to take some of your coffee!"

—Make sure you do.

"I have some bad news."

—You know, if you're young, it doesn't bother you.

"Then how 'bout some sex?"

—Leave it at that.

"Don't you want some sex, baby?"

—I don't.

"Everybody has problems."

—Monkeys steal my underpants every night.

"I think you have some problems, and you really need to work them out."

—You don't have to be a doctor to charge people.

"Go ahead and buy it — What have you got to lose?"

—Some relative.