"Stop being the victim."

—Well, it comes and goes – Why don't you get a dead chicken and practice choking the chicken?

"Excuse me."

—Don't mess with anything.

"Excuse me!" [With all their attention on the map they're holding]

—What happened?

"Excuse me! Can I leave the parking lot that way?"

—In fiendish ways.

"Help, I'm Surrounded by Jerks! (Article by Stephanie Rosenbloom, NYT, January 18, 2007)

—See what a nice life you can have having nothing to do with them?

"Sorry, Linda."

—People have a chance to live.

"Excuse me, Sir! ... You're not supposed to be taking it ... Oh, sorry!" [Thinking you're stealing the newspaper that was in your mail]

—And I'm Mother Nature.

"All I have is a twenty — Sorry about that."

—Thanks for not bringing a fish in a newspaper.

"Sorry about that."

—It's part of village life.

"Oh, Ricky, I am so sorry!" [After you tell the best man your bride-to-be loves him]

—Probably they were fooling around in the garden of learning.

"So sorry about that!" [Sarcastically]

—Oh, I pushed the wrong button.

"So what's your specialty?"

—It's not lemonade, that's for sure!

"The Ph.D. matters."

—Moderation in everything.

"To the Editor: Re 'Teenage Suicides Bewilder an Island, and the Experts' (March 18): Our small rural high school has also experienced an 'epidemic' of suicides. One of the students was a member of my tightly-knit gifted class of 12. We, too, were 'descended upon' by outside experts, and what we learned was that it was absolutely emotionally intolerable to be around anyone who had not known the student or was not a member of the class. This was an important lesson for me, and one that helps me to understand other people's grief. 'Outsiders' should say nothing more than 'I'm sorry.'" (–Nancy Rehm, Biglerville, Pa., letter to The New York Times, March 25, 2008)

—So sad, isn't it? ... Dreams, dreams, dreams. It's all dreams ... What's that? ... That isn't what is important ... Hello! No room at the Inn ... There are things about you I don't know ... There are things about you nobody knows ... What do you think this means? ... You have to separate things ... "Good and bad" is useless, "insider and outsider" is useless, "real and unreal" is useless in this situation ... What's useful is understanding ... Would you say anyone's ever given you peace? ... You can't see something like this because you're upside down. [See also "Someone feeling suicidal" at stargate72.htm]

"A specialty for you, Al, when you're old."

—Your pain is your fortune when you understand it, because you can see it's in everyone.

"A little variety never hurts."

—No matter how guarded you are.

"I am not an artist; I have no talent."

—You just want to do a little less than your best.

"Oh, I'm sorry!"

—You're a wonderful person.

"Sorry!"

—There you go.

"I slept with her before as well."

[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]

"I'm going to have to get you wings! Thanks!"

—Then you can do anything!

"Oh, my goodness!"

—Just what everyone needs.

"You might have more bacteria than other people."

—If it isn't one thing, it's another.

"Where's the funeral, Virginia?"

—That would be a huge list.

"Right church, wrong pew."

—It's all right.

[Credit card declined]

—I'm not the first bad person.

"Bad credit rating is a disease – We will cure it – guaranteed." [They earn their living hurting people; you're not going to regress because of the ensuing tension, are you?]

—That's the best I can do ... Who wants play money? ... You're the bank ... I'm not going to give you a break.

"You mean, you actually fell for that?"

—Or shortchanged.

"You got a lot of explaining to do!"

—Over generations.

"Boy, do you have some explaining to do."

—Terror and pain.

"All I ever get is six inches." [She says over an award of a glass ruler. Later, she and another female in the office stare at your groin and laugh whenever you walk by her desk]

—Either that or go to the Harmony Hut.

"Will you watch my purse?"

—It's the only one I've ever seen.

"You're getting much too big for your britches!"

—You just don't know.

"Don't be fresh with me, young man!"

—I'm 7 years old – I miss my parents.

"Oh, I see. It's another 'dealing with confrontations by not actually acknowledging that there is one' technique. I'm not personally interested in that sort of thing, but I can see how it might be of use to someone. It sounds somewhat similar to ideas like 'living well is the best revenge,' though even less malevolent, which for me negates the catharsis which is an essential element in standing up for myself."

—Get some oatmeal. Leave bowls of oatmeal around the house until it smells like oatmeal. That will really make you feel good. Catharsis has nothing to do with reality.

"I'm going right home and take a nice hot bath."

—I'm glad I don't have to see that.

"Don't be a wise guy."

—I can't say what I like?

"Big smart guy, huh?"

—Not another one that talks like me.

"This guy is great!" [Disparagingly]

—Don't ever do anything halfway.

—That would be just my luck.

"This site (nominally about "non-escalating verbal self-defense") seems at first to be some kind of parody, except that it doesn't seem to be parodying anything. It's truly odd, with an internally self-consistent logic all its own. After spending too much time on it, I eventually found a link to a Habermas fan site, which somehow makes it all the weirder." [Link from "Verbal Self Defense" thread at The Usual Suspects, May 2, 2002]

—It's better than dirt.

"If your IQ were six points higher, you could be a plant."

—I'm trying to figure out if that's a compliment or an insult.

"Why are you always so negative?"

—Just to be like everyone else.

"You've been using that excuse since I don't know when."

—Any way you look at it, it's bad.

"What's your excuse?"

—To catch fish.

"You're lucky, because I sent one hundred cabs around."

—We're all islands above the sea, connected underneath by electricity!

"How are your Japanese classes?"

—Don't give away all my secrets.

"The cab is yours? ... Your cab?"

—It's one of many things.

"He hasn't figured out, in 15 years of cab driving, that if he showed up on time he wouldn't get asked that question?"

—I'll meet you halfway and we'll have lunch.

"We're just talking in general – There's nothing that precipitates our using that stuff." [Two World War II guys at a bar talking about their experiences smoking marijuana]

—Very symbolic, huh?

"Aren't you listening?"

—Does that ring a bell?

"Aren't we lucky?"

—A huge hit.

"Anyone would be lucky to ride in your cab."

—There must be something good about me.

"They aren't?" [Mockingly]

—I'm really rolling.

"How many inches are in a yard?"

—You probably had a hard week.

"Pandas are not related to bears, you know?"

—Look how many!

"There's a big blowup in Brazil!"

—Maybe I should go to psychic school.

"Someone once said that being brilliant is knowing what you're stupid at ... and avoiding it."

—Even on the weekends.

"Everybody's avoiding me."

—That's a talent.

"You've got to see it from my perspective, okay?"

—What's that?

"Why do you eat so much junk food?"

—Have a potato.

"Have a wonderful day." [This is tricky, because they're leaving to see their son in the hospital, who's about to die of Hodgkin's disease]

—I think I could have.

"You're a wonderful man."

—Even worse!

"Did we call a cab?" [Trying to snatch someone else's taxicab]

—Ask your mother!

"Did we call a cab? Did we call a cab?"

—Once.