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Patient refers to it as stargate-three-eight

A Hypocrite.2






—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—Saved again!




Post Hoc, ergo Propter Hoc — (After This, Therefore on Account of This) The fact that two events happen one after the other does not mean the first caused the second.





[lying in waiting, bait & switch] - She walks in and crashes into one person, saying, "Sorry!" turns and bumps into someone else - "Oh, I'm sorry!" - backs up, flailing into the arms of yet another .... (They like that - They like to be important.)

The Age of Self-Expression, ages 8-11




Exactly what someone said [or did]
... usually not very original.

The thoughts of a "bad child"
... to free your mind again.





—Or worse! I'm under water.

—People are cheap with the little treats that make them happy and go too far with big-ticket appliances and houses that they think other people will like ... Knowing the difference between what you like and what other people like is crucial. What other people like dries up fast ... Don't let other people trick you into feeling responsible for the way they feel ... It is very important for a person to do what he thinks is best for his own life ... Rather than make excuses, say, "I shouldn't have done it, but I did it." ... Stupidity can't fight the appearance of stupidity – Often the best defense is to appear weak, ineffective and bumbling ... When you are around your parents, are you trying to adapt yourself to their model of the universe, or are you following your own? Why not let them adapt to your script? ... You should give yourself attention, love and understanding, and if you give yourself these three things, other people will give you everything else ... Give to other people kindness and respect ... People like it when other people see something wonderful in them; try seeing something wonderful in other people ... Hell: an eighteen-inch salami and nothing but fireflies to fuck ... You may have been taught that a strong person has to cope with everything that's dished out. In fact, half of life is knowing what situations to avoid and what people to stay away from ... A sadist has warmth intermingled with a cruel streak. The only way to deal with a sadist is stay away.


—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

Strong language ... In general, you should show people you hear and see them so they can take the consequences for what they say and do, but the exception to the rule is when someone is being hostile: then you should make sure that the part of you that is hostile to your own life gets out of the way; then you show them that the part of yourself that you could use to attack yourself didn't hear or see them ... Practice getting out of the way of hostility.

"We've been waiting an hour for you guys! These guys get here in ten minutes." [They called two taxi companies from their remote trailer park]

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—Cheap, mean, poor crackers.

"So, how's school?"

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—You want to start off on the right foot.

"I would like to see more comebacks that u could use at school."

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—Find something you like: (1.) Just small little things; (2.) You're not wasting your money, really; (3.) I'm a great believer; (4.) Good memory; (5.) Good mind; (6.) Quantum; (7.) That's going to come back to haunt you; (8.) Isn't that a pisser, though? (9.) Complaining, huh? (10.) It's worse than my family; (11.) That's what the Romans did; (12.) Watch out for rich people.

"How many inches are in a yard?"

—Saved again!

—You probably had a hard week.

"There's a big blowup in Brazil!"

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—Maybe I should go to psychic school.

"Someone once said that being brilliant is knowing what you're stupid at ... and avoiding it."

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—Even on the weekends.

"There's no excuse for domestic violence."

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—You have to learn how to tone down your strength ... An eyeball on the sidewalk.

["I was molested as a child."] "I'M SO SORRY!"

—Saved again!

—Bad things happen ... It's the stupid things that save people.

["We are the forefathers of the Internet, and if we're not doing things on the Web worthy of our times and culture, people will look back on us as complete dolts."] "I have two things to say about that: There's a statement A, and there's a statement B, which is NOT A. There is no way to prove the truth of either one."

—Or worse! I'm under water.

Unless you work more than you have to ... S plus S equals S ... Sweat plus Sacrifice equals Success ... Shit plus More Shit equals More Shit ... There's a difference between seeing the light, and someone saying they're seeing the light ... I can usually do it without hurting anyone's feelings ... Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom .... I have diarrhea today.

"What is the real meaning of logic?"

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—You mean, window dressing? ... There's nothing under it! ... Through a set of signals, converge on a meaning.

"You mean like a battle of wits with an unarmed person?"

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—It's totally reconcilable with IQ ... You can be a smartie! ... Not disruptive, but to be organic about the whole thing.

"I missed out. I left school before they got to that."

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—Don't worry about it ... Because you're snap, snap, snappy!

"Where's the funeral, Ree-sharr?"

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—Everything helps.

"Stop being the victim."

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—Well, it comes and goes – Why don't you get a dead chicken and practice choking the chicken?

"Excuse me."

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—Don't mess with anything.

"Excuse me!" [With all their attention on the map they're holding]

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—What happened?

"Excuse me! Can I leave the parking lot that way?"

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—In fiendish ways.

"Help, I'm Surrounded by Jerks! (Article by Stephanie Rosenbloom, NYT, January 18, 2007)

—Saved again!

—See what a nice life you can have having nothing to do with them?

"Sorry, Linda."

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—People have a chance to live.

"Excuse me, Sir! ... You're not supposed to be taking it ... Oh, sorry!" [Thinking you're stealing the newspaper that was in your mail]

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—And I'm Mother Nature.

"All I have is a twenty – Sorry about that."

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—Thanks for not bringing a fish in a newspaper.

"Sorry about that."

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—It's part of village life.

"Oh, Ricky, I am so sorry!" [After you tell the best man your bride-to-be loves him]

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—Probably they were fooling around in the garden of learning.

"So sorry about that!" [Sarcastically]

—Saved again!

—Oh, I pushed the wrong button.

"So what's your specialty?"

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—It's not lemonade, that's for sure!

"The Ph.D. matters."

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—Moderation in everything.

"To the Editor: Re 'Teenage Suicides Bewilder an Island, and the Experts' (March 18): Our small rural high school has also experienced an 'epidemic' of suicides. One of the students was a member of my tightly-knit gifted class of 12. We, too, were 'descended upon' by outside experts, and what we learned was that it was absolutely emotionally intolerable to be around anyone who had not known the student or was not a member of the class. This was an important lesson for me, and one that helps me to understand other people's grief. 'Outsiders' should say nothing more than 'I'm sorry.'" (–Nancy Rehm, Biglerville, Pa., letter to The New York Times, March 25, 2008)

—Saved again!

—So sad, isn't it? ... Dreams, dreams, dreams. It's all dreams ... What's that? ... That isn't what is important ... Hello! No room at the Inn ... There are things about you I don't know ... There are things about you nobody knows ... What do you think this means? ... You have to separate things ... "Good and bad" is useless, "insider and outsider" is useless, "real and unreal" is useless in this situation ... What's useful is understanding ... Would you say anyone's ever given you peace? ... You can't see something like this because you're upside down. [See also "Someone feeling suicidal" at stargate72.htm]

"A specialty for you, Al, when you're old."

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—Your pain is your fortune when you understand it, because you can see it's in everyone.

"A little variety never hurts."

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—No matter how guarded you are.

"I am not an artist; I have no talent."

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—You just want to do a little less than your best.

"Oh, I'm sorry!"

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—You're a wonderful person.


—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—There you go.

"I slept with her before as well."

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]

"I'm going to have to get you wings! Thanks!"

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—Then you can do anything!

"Oh, my goodness!"

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—Just what everyone needs.

"You might have more bacteria than other people."

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—If it isn't one thing, it's another.

"Where's the funeral, Virginia?"

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—That would be a huge list.

"Right church, wrong pew."

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—It's all right.

[Credit card declined]

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—I'm not the first bad person.

"Bad credit rating is a disease – We will cure it – guaranteed." [They earn their living hurting people; you're not going to regress because of the ensuing tension, are you?]

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—That's the best I can do ... Who wants play money? ... You're the bank ... I'm not going to give you a break.

"You mean, you actually fell for that?"

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—Or shortchanged.

"You got a lot of explaining to do!"

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—Over generations.

"Boy, do you have some explaining to do."

—Saved again!

—Terror and pain.

"All I ever get is six inches." [She says over an award of a glass ruler. Later, she and another female in the office stare at your groin and laugh whenever you walk by her desk]

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—Either that or go to the Harmony Hut.

"You're getting much too big for your britches!"

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—You just don't know.

"Don't be fresh with me, young man!"

—Saved again!

—I'm 7 years old – I miss my parents.

"Oh, I see. It's another 'dealing with confrontations by not actually acknowledging that there is one' technique. I'm not personally interested in that sort of thing, but I can see how it might be of use to someone. It sounds somewhat similar to ideas like 'living well is the best revenge,' though even less malevolent, which for me negates the catharsis which is an essential element in standing up for myself."

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—Get some oatmeal. Leave bowls of oatmeal around the house until it smells like oatmeal. That will really make you feel good. Catharsis has nothing to do with reality.

"Breathtaking! Roam around for a couple." [Link from Las Vegas Fixed Gear - the happy hour thread, to]

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—What about, even though you don't understand something, sooner or later you will? ... Most people can't take it ... They'd rather be frightened to death than see something for what it really is ... (It's like catharsis of pity and fear – They don't have to be afraid of their mother and father – They can be afraid of George Bush) ... They think you can't deal with things directly ... inside you ... They think you have to deal with things indirectly ... which is bullshit ... Just tell your unconscious to turn on the adrenaline ... Come on! Turn up the adrenaline ... You can only be happy if you suffered, and you stop suffering.

"A good life is the best revenge."

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—My Superhero: Sewer Man! ... The American way! ... The Pursuit of Happiness!

"I'm going right home and take a nice hot bath."

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—I'm glad I don't have to see that.

"Don't be a wise guy."

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—I can't say what I like?

"Big smart guy, huh?"

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—Not another one that talks like me.

"This guy is great!" [Disparagingly]

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—Don't ever do anything halfway.

"You obviously had permissive parents."

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—That would be just my luck.

"This site (nominally about "non-escalating verbal self-defense") seems at first to be some kind of parody, except that it doesn't seem to be parodying anything. It's truly odd, with an internally self-consistent logic all its own. After spending too much time on it, I eventually found a link to a Habermas fan site, which somehow makes it all the weirder." [Link from "Verbal Self Defense" thread at The Usual Suspects, May 2, 2002]

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—It's better than dirt.

"If your IQ were six points higher, you could be a plant."

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—I'm trying to figure out if that's a compliment or an insult.

"Why are you always so negative?"

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—Just to be like everyone else.

"You've been using that excuse since I don't know when."

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—Any way you look at it, it's bad.

"What's your excuse?"

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—To catch fish.

"You're lucky, because I sent one hundred cabs around."

—Saved again!

—We're all islands above the sea, connected underneath by electricity!

"How are your Japanese classes?"

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—Don't give away all my secrets.

"The cab is yours? ... Your cab?"

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—It's one of many things.

"He hasn't figured out, in 15 years of cab driving, that if he showed up on time he wouldn't get asked that question?"

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—I'll meet you halfway and we'll have lunch.

"We're just talking in general – There's nothing that precipitates our using that stuff." [Two World War II guys at a bar talking about their experiences smoking marijuana]

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—Very symbolic, huh?

"Aren't you listening?"

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—Does that ring a bell?

"Aren't we lucky?"

—Saved again!

—A huge hit.

"Anyone would be lucky to ride in your cab."

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—There must be something good about me.

"They aren't?" [Mockingly]

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—I'm really rolling.

"Everybody's avoiding me."

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—That's a talent.

"You've got to see it from my perspective, okay?"

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—What's that?

"Why do you eat so much junk food?"

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—Have a potato.

"Have a wonderful day." [This is tricky, because they're leaving to see their son in the hospital, who's about to die of Hodgkin's disease]

—Ke-mo sah-be. You got me!

—I think I could have.

"You're a wonderful man."

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.

—Even worse!

"Did we call a cab?" [Trying to snatch someone else's taxicab]

—Or worse! I'm under water.

—Ask your mother!

"Did we call a cab? Did we call a cab?"

—To the contrary. It's no picnic.


























The whole world is my mother. I remember walking out of St. Peter's Episcopal Church in Ladue, Missouri, thinking, —God is out here. Those St. Louis aldermen worship God in the wrong direction. —He's especially in the prosperous trees out here, and the bluest of skies.

I never saw skies like that again until I stood in the antechamber of my godfather's estate in New Canaan, Connecticut, and at the first agitation of his oldest daughter coming down the last three stairs, saw the cobalt in her eyes. I was seventeen then, and it wasn't until much later that I learned to look at all of life that way, like Fatality on the doorstep. The whole world is my mother.

It's fun to cultivate not knowing. You gaze out of your eyes at life as if it's always becoming, which of course, it is. When you see the weather, you really see the rain on the window. You go get your sisters and have them look at the rain on the window, too.

When you cultivate not knowing, you don't really care whether people whisper or gossip, not because what they're saying is bad or anything; they're just pretending to know. Not knowing is the path by which the mind really knows.

People who don't cultivate not knowing are a shock all the way up to my brain stem. Their questions — Echht! — I don't believe the questions they ask. Instead of glimpsing Nature and Humanity as manifestations of God's humor, they say things like,

"How long is this rain supposed to last?"

—Pretty wicked.
—This is just the beginning.

"Is there an accident up ahead?"

—There's nothing you can do.

When people ask me questions like that, I know they're trying to explore the universe, much as I do, except they're pretending they're God.

"Is there anything going on this weekend?
Anything special?"

—I'm the wrong person to ask.

"Here's my hotel.
Are the rooms nice in there?"

—They're all different.

I think people who pretend this or that are crazy as loons, and I try to shut their door as gently as I can. There was this guy on My So-called Life — When ABC dropped the series, MTV picked it up and showed all the episodes in about a week — the girl — I don't remember her name: Angela, I think — was nuts for a guy who always said, "—Probably."

"—Probably" is the best thing you can say to a crazy person.

"You're nuts."


I'm a taxi driver. Sometimes people come up to my taxicab and say,

"Are you waiting for someone?"

—Not yet.
—Any suggestions?

God is omnipotent and all-knowing. I'm not. I'm sure snot. I'm a taxi driver. I cultivate not knowing. — Not knowing if my passenger has a gun or a knife, and not knowing if they're on some kind of lark.

"You don't know that?
How long have you been driving a cab?"

—Anything new?
—My little field is the whole world.

"Are you a beginner?"

—Very standard.
—The devil is in the details.

Disgustingly good people — the socialites and wannabes (as in the two examples below) — let the cat out of the bag by aggrandizing the personal pronoun, you. — Deadly people, boring as hell.

"What did you do with the sun?"

No shit!
—Maybe there is a God.

"Looks like you brought us a little rain."

Vita umbrellis.
—It's going to get uglier.

I picked up a load of hoodlums on New Year's Eve, and really didn't notice until one of them acted sort of puffed up:

"Hey, man, can you put on the radio,
tune in some oldies?"

—Not today.
—I'm a little frazzled.

I like to listen to the echo of my whirring wheels off nearby cars, to notice any subtle movements from my passengers, and not be surprised by sirens.

"What do you do,
drive around all day thinking?"

—Don't worry.
—What do you want to ruin your life having fun for?

"I think you're a fucking loser."

—Totally different.
—I'm talking to you, aren't I?

I had a beautiful girlfriend once, from New Canaan, Connecticut. One day, for no apparent reason, she walked out the door, saying,

"I'm not your mother, Richard."

—Not recently.
—The whole world is my mother.



Transcendental Sarcasm


Some kinds of sarcasm
are so outrageous,
you simply have to step aside.

Transcendental sarcasm has to do with
... dreams coming true
... and dreams not coming true.

(Just imagine...)
You drop out of college to find yourself,
and hear your stepfather mutter,
deep down to the wallet:
"How's the valedictorian?"

(He's just a poor guy —
What do you expect?)

"—Saved again!"


(1.) Descriptive


(2.) Proscriptive


(3.) Spin Sarcasm


(4.) Transcendental









As follows

CODE WORDS: aren't, avoiding, bacteria, bath, blowup, breathtaking, britches, bro', Bruce, cab, cabs, catharsis, classes, cure, deaf, [declined], disease, emotionally, excuse, explaining, fell, fresh, funeral, general, gifted, goodness, [groin], guaranteed, guy, guys, «hostility», IQ, inches, intolerable, jerks, junk, logic, «meanness», negative, outsiders, pardon, parody, permissive, perspective, pew, Ph.D., precipitates, revenge, school, self-contained, slept, sorry, specialty, [stare], statement, substandard, surrounded, talent, tightly-knit, unarmed, valedictorian, variety, victim, vortex, weirder, wings, wits, wonderful


"Heavenly twins"

—Saved again!