"Come back and you're dead."

—I need bars, bars, bars!

["What do you think they're doing outside over there?"] [Stony silence, because it's just your luck to have asked a stranger a question in the most unfriendly town west of the Mississippi]

—When one schizophrenic gets together, there are a thousand opinions ... It's not the age of conformity, it's the age of burial.

"It's like a graveyard of souls." [SuccinctNews.com]

—How do you know?

"It's hot in here."

—Or it will be.

"Speak of the devil!"

—You rang?

"Next time don't take coins from there." [The customer penny tray next to the cash register]

—How thieves and scoundrels are taking over the global economy.

[Someone sinking into a silence in the middle of a conversation]

—Gets you angry, huh?

[Someone dropping the ball, trailing off into a pretentiously absorbed silence]

—I'll have to have a talk with myself.

["Hi!"] [The cold shoulder]

—It's practically killing me!

[Someone hanging up on you]

—The Kotex that would not burn.

"Did you watch the movie? Do you still have your ticket?" [Three thugs cornering you outside the theater]

—You have no idea how bad it was.

"Oh, you threw it away." [Maliciously]

—I don't want to get into it — It's against my better judgment.

"Hey, easy, purple boy!" [Pedestrian baiting driver through open window]

—Is this the height of your peasant sophistication?

"Don't keep running your fricking mouth!"

—It served its purpose.

"Watch it, man!" [Ominously]

—As I go.

"That was so funny, I forgot to laugh."

—If I was a Buddhist, I'd say you've arrived.

"What do you want for Christmas?"

—On earth or in heaven?

"Are you ready for Christmas?"

—It's a passion.

"Merry Christmas!" [Insincerely]

—Take heart!

"I don't start until after eleven." [Drinking]

—If you've had one too many, don't call a taxi — Call a tow truck!

"Got brains?"

—You wake up next morning with your car in the driveway.

"She was singing, 'I want to be loved by you.'"

—That's a very good dream — because it's very clear.

"It's what you would do if you loved me." [No condom]

—Sometimes it pays not to be in a hurry.

"This doesn't make any sense."

—That's very often the case.

"It doesn't take much to amuse you, does it?"

—Just give me a chain saw, and I'll hack my way through life.

"It really is hot in here with the door closed."

—I'd like to see a lot more of you.

"You're funny!"

—I want to see what's underneath everything.

"You're hot!"

—The action mode.

"Hot enough for you?"

—Don't let me catch you throwing your clothes around tomorrow!

"You don't know how funny that sounds."

—A charmed life, huh?

"Then he said, 'I'm going to kick your fucking ass!'"

—You aim right for the head and then your natural instincts for homicide take over.

"You think that's funny?"

—Pardon me if my timing is slightly off.

"Now you made me forget what I was going to say . . . and it was very funny."

—Try to get a sense of humor in these situations.

"I don't think that's very funny."

—This is life's darkest moment.

"Why is it always a joke?"

—We'll have to pick it up off the floor.

"I love the sound of laughter."

—There's a lot to be said for making people laugh.

"He doesn't."

—I ate some bad meat.

"Very funny. Very, very funny."

—Under the circumstances, that one thing was very funny.

"It takes very little to amuse you, doesn't it?"

—People are always giving you an opportunity to attack yourself, so if you don't attack yourself, what can they do?

"Can't you take a joke?"

—Now don't you worry – No matter what happens, we'll always take care of you – We're always going to take care of you.

"What is that supposed to be, a joke?"

—One's vegetarian, and one's carnivorous.

"The devil from hell."

—On either side.

"Drop dead."

—Yeah, things like that.

"I wish you were dead!"

—Okay! You're all right in my book. You're a new dog.

"That doesn't work for me."

—Maybe you have to go up higher to get away from that.

"Go back to fucking India."

—I'm doing this for the kids.

"They stole part of your rigging, huh? Don't you hate it when someone rips off your sailboat?"

—Can you imagine what they turn out to be?

"It ain't over between you and me."

—That's what you save money for.

"I hate to burst your bubble, but a 300 gallon koi pond is too small to grow koi big enough to hand feed them."

—The only thing about me is, I'm a little bit crazy.

"Tacky."

—What do you want, a gorilla?

"You're getting it for the cartoons, huh? – The New Yorker has more cartoons than all the other magazines combined, I can tell you that."

—A little of everything.

"You're a weirdo."

—I've talked to many.

"Vain Berkeley weirdo."

—In a way it's a blessing.

"Good-bye, weirdo."

—Nothing's good enough.

"What's so funny?"

—A huge amount, I guess.

"Trying to reinforce your rosy bubble?"

—You could add that.

"I've known people that would kick your ass or stab you in response to your comebacks."

—The heavy hitters, huh?

"THANK GOD FOR ELECTRIC DOOR LOCKS!"

—I would feel very safe with you.