[Someone being mean, stupid, vicious & phony – all at the same time]

—"While evil men and impostors ... go from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived." (–2 Timothy, 3:13, New International Version, 1984)

"Oh, that's too bad."

—Every once in a while ... It's uncanny.

"That was so funny, I forgot to laugh."

—If I was a Buddhist, I'd say you've arrived.

"You don't think that's relevant?"

—You don't have to get your shit together – Your shit is together!

"You read the world news, that's why I ask."

—So, who cares?

"That's shit!" [Under the breath, challenging authority]

—It's like ten nights in a barroom.

"I think you're a joke at what you do."

—Stop talking or I'll put you back in the trunk.

"Violently Raping Your Friend Just for Laughs."

—What's first prize?

"Kicking Your Girlfriend in the Fanny because she won't make you a Sandwich."

—In every dream home, a heartache.

"That's what she said."

—The last remaining seats ... Cherchez la femme (Fr: "Look for the woman") ... Almost always behind the misadventures of men.

"How is everything in Room 237?"

—There ain't nothin' in Room 237. But you ain't got no business goin' in there anyway. So stay out. You understand?

"Nobody ever says that stuff to me."

—Whatever it is.

"There's nobody important on this floor."

—It takes a long time.

"You asshole – Nobody likes you."

—Don't cry too much about it.

"Think you're so funny?"

—You probably feel no one has the right to talk to you this way.

"Squirm worm!"

—Bad monsters! I'm going to scratch your eyes out with my hands.

"You think abortions are funny?"

—Or the noble art of bull fighting ... That's why they're not popular ... Anyone can get married ... How much did Mary and Joseph's wedding cost? ... We don't know ... Be creative and you get axed! ... You have to be consensive! ... Real butcher boy! ... His aim is to bore people to death ... He's very skilled, too ... It still is warm ... We call them the physical terrorists ... It's good to not believe you're God ... unless you're Catholic ... You see but through a glass darkly ... I warned you against that! ... Wireless is in.

"Come back and you're dead."

—I need bars, bars, bars!

["What do you think they're doing outside over there?"] [Stony silence, because it's just your luck to have asked a stranger a question in the most unfriendly town west of the Mississippi]

—When one schizophrenic gets together, there are a thousand opinions ... It's not the age of conformity, it's the age of burial.

"It's like a graveyard of souls." [SuccinctNews.com]

—How do you know?

"It's hot in here."

—Or it will be.

"Speak of the devil!"

—You rang?

"Next time don't take coins from there." [The customer penny tray next to the cash register]

—How thieves and scoundrels are taking over the global economy.

[Someone sinking into a silence in the middle of a conversation]

—Gets you angry, huh?

[Someone dropping the ball, trailing off into a pretentiously absorbed silence]

—I'll have to have a talk with myself.

["Hi!"] [The cold shoulder]

—It's practically killing me!

[Someone hanging up on you]

—It was nothing to speak of ... You see how things build up.

"Oh, you threw it away." [Maliciously]

—I don't want to get into it – It's against my better judgment.

"Hey, easy, purple boy!" [Pedestrian baiting driver through open window]

—Is this the height of your peasant sophistication?

"Don't keep running your fricking mouth!"

—It served its purpose.

"Now I have to walk all the way around."

—It's so easy, you won't believe it.

"The walk of shame."

—"You're worthless, your brother is wonderful."

"What do you want for Christmas?"

—On earth or in heaven?

"Are you ready for Christmas?"

—It's a passion.

"Merry Christmas!" [Insincerely]

—Take heart!

"I don't start until after eleven." [Drinking]

—If you've had one too many, don't call a taxi – Call a tow truck!

"Got brains?"

—You wake up next morning with your car in the driveway.

"She was singing, 'I want to be loved by you.'"

—That's a very good dream – because it's very clear.

"It's what you would do if you loved me." [No condom]

—Sometimes it pays not to be in a hurry.

"This doesn't make any sense."

—That's very often the case.

"It doesn't take much to amuse you, does it?"

—Just give me a chain saw, and I'll hack my way through life.

"It really is hot in here with the door closed."

—I'd like to see a lot more of you.

"You're funny!"

—I want to see what's underneath everything.

"You're hot!"

—The action mode.

"Hot enough for you?"

—Don't let me catch you throwing your clothes around tomorrow!

"You don't know how funny that sounds."

—A charmed life, huh?

"Then he said, 'I'm going to kick your fucking ass!'"

—You aim right for the head and then your natural instincts for homicide take over.

"You think that's funny?"

—Pardon me if my timing is slightly off.

"Now you made me forget what I was going to say . . . and it was very funny."

—Try to get a sense of humor in these situations.

"I don't think that's very funny."

—This is life's darkest moment.

"Why is it always a joke?"

—We'll have to pick it up off the floor.

"I love the sound of laughter."

—There's a lot to be said for making people laugh.

"He doesn't."

—I ate some bad meat.

"Very funny. Very, very funny."

—Under the circumstances, that one thing was very funny.

"It takes very little to amuse you, doesn't it?"

—People are always giving you an opportunity to attack yourself, so if you don't attack yourself, what can they do?

"Can't you take a joke?"

—Now don't you worry – No matter what happens, we'll always take care of you – We're always going to take care of you.

"What is that supposed to be, a joke?"

—One's vegetarian, and one's carnivorous.

"Well now Richard, I hope you don't take this the wrong way – He totally disinterests me." [The upstairs neighbor he writes notes to the landlord and police about]

—Nothing passes his mighty eye.

"He doesn't want to be friends with you?"

—Representational acting, for when you're not connected to a light sparkly sensation in your chest.

"He uses a live body shield, huh?"

—Hands of stone.

"The devil from hell."

—On either side.

"Drop dead."

—Yeah, things like that.

"I wish you were dead!"

—Okay! You're all right in my book. You're a new dog.

"That doesn't work for me."

—Maybe you have to go up higher to get away from that.

"That's not your experience."

—A little presumptuous!

"They stole part of your rigging, huh? Don't you hate it when someone rips off your sailboat?"

—Can you imagine what they turn out to be?

"It ain't over between you and me."

—That's what you save money for.

"I hate to burst your bubble, but a 300 gallon koi pond is too small to grow koi big enough to hand feed them."

—The only thing about me is, I'm a little bit crazy.

"Tacky."

—What do you want, a gorilla?

"You're getting it for the cartoons, huh? – The New Yorker has more cartoons than all the other magazines combined, I can tell you that."

—A little of everything.

"You're a weirdo."

—I've talked to many.

"Vain Berkeley weirdo."

—In a way it's a blessing.

"Good-bye, weirdo."

—Nothing's good enough.

"What's so funny?"

—A huge amount, I guess.

"Trying to reinforce your rosy bubble?"

—You could add that.

"I've known people that would kick your ass or stab you in response to your comebacks."

—The heavy hitters, huh?

"THANK GOD FOR ELECTRIC DOOR LOCKS!"

—I would feel very safe with you.