Name Calling

Insults

Comebacks

"You have a freak flag – You just don't fly it."

—You're safe.
—I'm sure I don't need it.

"Don't be a fool!"

—You're safe.
—You're lucky you don't have to deal with people like that.

"You must / obviously / clearly have low self-esteem."

—You sure?
—You hang it in your office.

"I'd love to give you some advice in return, but they don't have clubs for ugly losers with small dicks!"

—Nothing simple.
—They don't have turtles anymore?

"You're not a football fan, huh?"

—Since when?
—I don't want to make any predictions.

"Are you queer?"

—Unheard of.
—I'm a complete stranger — Why would you ask me something like that?

"Are you gay?"

—Very funny.
—Didn't your mother tell you not to talk to strangers?

"You must be gay."

—Unheard of.
—There may be competition.

[Start at
the top]

"Definitely a faggot."

—Very funny.
—(1.) You bet! ... (2.) Wrong again! ... (3.) Total waste ... (4.) No worse! ... (5.) SCREW THAT!

"So gay!"

—Unheard of.
—(1.) We're safe ... (2.) Try harder! ... (3.) Just unbelievable ... (4.) Something intelligent.

"Are you one of those faggots?"

—Since when?
—Creepy enough — Now don't bother me anymore!

"Jane, you ignorant slut!"

—Maybe less.
—Peanuts.

"Eww. Slut!"

—Very funny.
—Oh, yeah. Oh, easy.

"You're a slut."

—Since when?
—Let's call it very fast-track.

"Faggot!"

—Totally useless.
—Drive yourself crazy.

"Hey, you faggot!" [High School students passing in the hall]

—Totally useless.
—No charge.

[Start at
the top]

"What are you, a faggot?"

—Totally useless.
—There aren't many straight arrows in this world.

"Know-it-all."

—God forbid!
—Another racket.

"Smart aleck, smarty-pants!"

—That's different.
—I'm surprised it's legal.

[Someone leering at your wife or daughter in your presence]

—But better.
—You have no idea.

"There's only one thing that's important, and that's looking at girls' heinies!"

—Spooky, huh?
—I'm not exactly a bathroom man, either.

"FUCK-FACE!"

—Hard times.
—Just to make money, huh?

"You're a wage slave."

—But better.
—I'm in for it.

"Do you want some candy, little girl?"

—Totally useless.
—Just checking out.

[Start at
the top]

"I was just being friendly."

—God forbid!
—Very loyal.

"Do you understand me, you crazy fuck?"

—Even greater!
—Not completely.

"These guys are faggots." [Three guys passing two guys on the street]

—Not yet.
—That wasn't smart.

"You don't have any diseases, do you?"

—Hard times.
—I'm riddled with diseases.

"What's it like to be gay?"

—How's that?
—I'm not gay — I'm morose.

"Let's go, asshole."

—Hard times.
—Get thee behind me, Diarrhea!

"How are you doing, sweetie?"

—As if.
—Too young!

"What's up, babe?"

—As if.
—I'm too young to be your babe!

[Start at
the top]

"I have a question for you — Do you spell loser with one O or two O's?"

—How amusing.
—Find one.

"So you still haven't found a man who will marry you. What are you — a lesbian?"

—As if.
—I'm dangerous Dan McGrew.

"If you really wanted to lose weight, you wouldn't eat so much."

—Only worse!
—Pleasure is good for the soul.

"Putting on a little weight there, huh?"

—Hard times.
—Will you get in touch with your humanity?

"You don't sweat much for a fat lady."

—Hard times.
—If you're big, you don't have to be mean.

"I see, you're a coffee fiend!"

—Too soon.
—There's a being inside that needs nourishment — so you nourish it!

[Start at
the top]

"You're going to die soon with that diet, you know that."

—Too soon.
—Of all the things in the universe, death is one of the nicer things.

"Are you still on a diet?"

—Too soon.
—I know you don't like it, but this is the way I am.

"Eat tiny portions and NEVER go back for seconds."

—You're strong.
—It's good when I break my diet.

"You've got fat thighs."

—Hard times.
—Probably the only one in town.

"You look like you gained weight."

—Could be.
—Give me some slack.

"You're fat and ugly, and always will be."

—Not recently.
—What good is running if you're on the wrong road?

"You're just like me — You need to push away from the table a little bit sooner."

—Not today.
—Have a little compassion.

"You know, the reason I'm so thin is that I would never eat a whole box of cookies."

—You're strong.
—Don't cheat yourself.

[Start at
the top]

"Jane, are you trying to look unattractive?"

—It's devastating.
—Read, The Dwarf. (1945, Par Lagerkvist)

"You look pretty good for a fat guy."

—Hard times.
—Have you ever heard the expression, "Fat, dumb and happy?"

"That cut just isn't meant for a full-figured gal like you."

—Too soon.
—You're starving, yourself.

"You don't need to be drinking every night — You don't need those calories."

—It's devastating.
—You tried it twice — Try something else.

"I'm sorry — that dress doesn't come in larger sizes."

—It's devastating.
—Well, everybody's got something good about them.

"My ass is big, but yours just has to dominate Holland."

—You're strong.
—It's really criminal to treat your body as a friend.

"Hey, you're fat!"

—Hard times.
—Some people would say that.

[Start at
the top]

"Look, Elephant Girl, just get Carol or something."

—Hard times.
—Be seeing you!

"You're so literal-minded."

—What if?
—Don't tell me about a bicycle in the basement of the Alamo.

"Don't be so stubborn."

—Just normal.
—I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

"You copycat!"

—You wonder.
—Just like you.

"I know you are, but what am I?"

—As if.
—No mystery.

"You're delusional."

—Very clever.
—You're repressed.

"You're paranoid."

—Very clever.
—You're projecting.

[Start at
the top]

"You're psychotic."

—Don't panic!
—Who told you to feel bad?

"You're sadistic."

—Even so.
—With a cactus on my shoulder, topless, walking down the hill, like a Tuscan.

"You're incompetent."

—Very clever.
—That's very hurtful — You just might be lucky.

"You're not my therapist."

—Well said.
—I don't have a beak.

"You're a jerk!"

—Like crazy!
—Don't include me.

"You're also a liar!"

—Totally different.
—Maybe it's you.

"That's pathetic."

—Totally different.
—It's a vicious culture — Anyone who is at all different is just smashed.

"Pussy!"

—Great memories!
—I think that's what you're missing.

"Dumb-ass!"

—Oh, degenerate!
—That's as cheap as you can get?

[Start at
the top]

""You're such a worry wart!""

—Could be.
—It's part of the mystique.

"He studies too much! — You're a study wart!"

—Could be.
—I'll look at it later.

"You're an arrogant little piss."

—Could be.
—When you have to be brave when you're little.

"I'd advise you to mind your manners — You're in the big water now."

—Could be.
—Now I think school is out.

"Bitch!" [Under the breath, walking by]

—Worse!
—Gone! — Jokes are like that.

"You bitch! You won't be in tomorrow." [Robot parodying voice]

—Smarten up!
—It's hysterical – Someone should make a movie of that – Very vindictive – So it's getting dumber and dumber, in other words – Even you must understand that that's the limit.

"He's getting to be a real bitch."

—Smarten up!
—At least someone's got a brain in their head – George Carlin says, Think how stupid the average person is, and realize, half of them are stupider than that!

"Why are you such a little bitch?"

—Worse!
—For fun!

"You bitch."

—Worse!
—I like to see someone getting away with murder.

["I won't be in tomorrow."] "Bitch!"

—That's impressive.
—That's it! The bar is closed ... A real heavy-hitter.

"Richard's dog is a little white bitch." [It's a male dog, for one thing — Also, it's smart enough to know when something's a ...]

—Worse!
—You heard it here first.

"What a bitch!"

—Worse!
—Camel, donkey, star and all!

[Start at
the top]

"What are you calling me?"

—It's impossible.
—Like an unfed baby.

"And who are you calling ignorant?"

—Bad idea.
—We don't know — It's all speculation.

"Are you calling me a liar?"

—Bad idea.
—The answer's, no!

"Well then, are you calling me a jerk?"

—Bad idea.
—If that's so, let me think about it.

"JERK!"

—Like crazy!
—IT'S WORTH IT!

"Erik, you're the jerk of all time."

—Don't laugh.
—That's the most dangerous thing on earth — someone who doesn't know what they're doing.

"You're so scandalous."

—Nothing unique.
—Not half naked, half dressed!

"Cunt!"

—You're strong.
—What do you mean, get all the air out of your brain?

[Start at
the top]

"You're a loser."

—MANY TIMES!
—Part of one big machine.

"Geek!"

—Not perfect.
—I don't care what you say.

"You whore!"

—You're strong.
—It's hard to tell, huh?

"He called you a whore!"

—It's devastating.
—How does it feel to be the healthiest person in your family?

"I think you're a fucking loser."

—Totally different.
—I'm talking to you, aren't I?

"You're stuck."

—Like crazy!
—You don't have to be.