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ATTACKS
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BRIDGE
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SILENT BACKUP
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"I'M ASHAMED OF YOU!" [Political heckler at
Chelsea Clinton appearance]
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—Be resourceful.
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—Did you know your house is filled with cockroaches? ... Now it's
beginning to float.
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"Got pimp?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—It's his second childhood.
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"Are you voting for Obama?"
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—Not yet.
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—One section at a time ... They're really proud of him; it makes
me happy ... Wait until the makeup washes off.
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"Why don't you get all excited, Dave?" [Stage
directions for himself]
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—Even greater!
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—He gets exuberant.
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"Right back at you, kid!"
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—Not yet.
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—People have to do what they like.
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"Can I buy a cigarette from you?"
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—Not yet.
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—Sometimes you run out of paper.
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"I like your costume."
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—Even greater!
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—This is the big season now.
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"Is there a dent in my car?"
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—Not yet.
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—I'm starting.
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"Eternal optimist."
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—Not yet.
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—Just a splash.
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"I've already been over there – I'm not going over there again
– You're crazy as a loon."
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—Not yet.
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—It could be a lot of things ... the police or anything.
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"Are you Apartment B?"
[From an anonymous mail carrier, who has never actually
introduced himself]
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—Not yet.
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—The front windows of the house are falling apart, but let's wait
until they fall apart.
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"Contact us immediately."
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—Or vice versa.
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—"Never answer an anonymous letter." (–Lawrence Peter
(Yogi) Berra) ... The team is voting for President ... You
can call if you need anything.
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"Are you supposed to be sitting over there by yourself?"
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—Not yet.
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—Maybe July first.
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"You must have chosen the wrong career."
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—Not yet.
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—If you want a hard time, that's okay.
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"Are you done with this?"
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—Not yet.
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—What else are you going to do now?
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"Let me call you sometime, and we'll get together."
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—Not yet.
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—Who's your social secretary? – For advanced plans.
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"Where did you go, the city?" [Against regulations]
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—Be resourceful.
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—Sometimes you think something's bad, and it's not that bad.
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"You disappoint me."
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—Or vice versa.
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—You don't know how to absorb things, to listen to anything ...
What do you believe in? Don't you want to do something? ... Do something
you believe in, or you're good at.
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"Is your credit score holding you back?"
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—Or vice versa.
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—You have no right to ask me questions – I do what I believe
in ... It's none of your business.
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"Did the supervisor talk to you?"
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—Not yet.
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—I was born bad, I am bad, and I'll die bad.
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"Are you back?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—I got no strings to hold me down.
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"Sorry to Jew you."
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—Be resourceful.
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—I say blood red is the color for you.
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"You only get one chance with me."
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—Or vice versa.
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—So far it's not worth it. [Also see, Peer
Pressure]
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"Will you marry me?"
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—Not yet.
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—It costs a lot to get married – How much money do you
have in the bank?
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"If you love me, you'll have sex with me."
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—Not yet.
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—You can love me by getting off my back and stop criticizing!
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"If you cared about me, you'd do it."
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—Or vice versa.
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—Where did you ever learn that someone who felt unloved in childhood
and never learned how to express love, you criticize them?
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"If you get pregnant, I'll marry you."
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—Not yet.
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—It's high school with money!
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"Are you pregnant?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—Just like your mother, right?
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"Where are you going?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—Way off! ... The middle of nowhere ... You could do anything.
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"You are a good person."
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—Be resourceful.
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—Or a bad one.
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"Have you just been sitting here doing nothing
all day?" [From the boss, stopping by your work area]
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—Be resourceful.
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—Is that possible? [Chronicle your daily accomplishments on index
cards you can show the boss at a moment's notice — Don't let
anyone steal them]
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["They sent me back to put air in the tire, can you believe it?"]
"Put air in your head? – I thought you
had plenty."
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—Or vice versa.
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—No one says, "You are in a panic – Life is hard."
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"Do you know what happened to the TV?" [You
just arrived]
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—Not yet.
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—What's on the other side?
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"Exit only – You got to go that way –
Sorry!"
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—Even greater!
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—I'm not working for you – I am a lamp, I am a mirror, I am
a door, I am a way.
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"Oh, you don't read anymore?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—What do you care what anyone thinks?
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"That's all you have to say?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—You're worse than me, so I don't know what to say.
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"What you don't know can't hurt you,
huh?"
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—Or vice versa.
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—That's a well a hundred feet deep.
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"Sorry you don't have a degree."
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—Or vice versa.
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—Let there be toilets.
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"Marci's here to dance!"
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—Be resourceful.
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—Too old ... Do I deserve this? ... You're wrong ... You don't need
to ... It's just wrong no matter what you do ... If you sleep late, does
the sun rise?
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"I almost ran right into you!"
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—Not yet.
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—Go with it!
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"Why do you live here?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—To spread the revolution ... Just for the fun of it.
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"You're not bright, are you?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—That could change very rapidly.
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"What do you say to a sarcastic person?"
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—Or vice versa.
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—Because we live right.
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"What did you think?" [About the movie you
just saw]
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—Or vice versa.
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—Everybody gets what they want.
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["I love you."] "You can't!"
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—Even greater!
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—All over the world.
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["If you move in with me, you can't bring the cat."] "Why
would I move in with you?"
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—Or vice versa.
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—Everything you can imagine.
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"Do you think I'm that easy?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—Look at those smoldering looks!
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"I don't want to talk to you."
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—Even greater!
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—It's too late now.
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"Are you making fun of me?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—I hope it isn't ... bad breath.
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"I don't know you."
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—Or vice versa.
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—The new kid on the block?
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"Well, you like the young ones, right?"
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—Or vice versa.
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—In another way ... It's nice when you have a young life in your
charge ... And you know what to tell them.
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"You never embarrassed yourself?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—What do you think my secret is?
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"Oh Icarus, I really pity you."
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—Be resourceful.
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[See Icarus
and the Gutter Snipe]
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"Perfect — Are you sure you
haven't done this before?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—Hunger is the best cook — Not a mother!
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"Why don't you tell me something really interesting?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—That's not my problem — My problem is my mother had a
penis.
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"You don't have to be a jerk."
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—Be resourceful.
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—That's extra!
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"Why are you such a jerk?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—Keeping the guy alive ... He has to play or something.
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"What do YOU want?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—To die for my country.
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"I'm here for you."
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—Or vice versa.
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—Let Mom help!
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"Who died and made you queen?"
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—Or vice versa.
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—Someone's lucky they're not her brother.
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"Where did you get that?" [Handing your business
card to an FBI agent]
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—Be resourceful.
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—Making gold from straw — Rumpelstilzchen is my name!
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"You'd do the same thing if you
had a chance."
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—Be resourceful.
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—What about evolution?
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"Don't be ridiculous!"
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—Be resourceful.
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—I am a University graduate!
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"That remark is absurd!"
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—Be resourceful.
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—What better way is there than being clever?
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"What's the worst thing you've ever done?"
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—Even greater!
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—I hurt someone's feelings once.
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"Did you ever kill anybody?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—That's the million dollar question ... I shot my bank, but I didn't
get any money.
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"You're imagining things — I do!"
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—Even greater!
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—Faith is really paying attention.
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["I go to Stanford."] "Oh, the anti-intellectual
school."
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—Or vice versa.
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—It's substantial.
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"Do you understand me, you crazy
fuck?"
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—Even greater!
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—Not completely.
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"I know you don't care."
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—Not yet.
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—Do you?
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"Are you crazy?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—I broke my contract with myself.
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"Two hundred dollars? – Are you crazy?"
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—Even greater!
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—Don't tell me it's nothing for you.
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"You've got a problem, psycho?"
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—Or vice versa.
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—Success breeds success.
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"What does that make you?"
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—Be resourceful.
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—Razor sharp.
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"He's still a Mama's boy!"
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—Be resourceful.
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—Would it do any good?
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"Why are you a faggot?"
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—Or vice versa.
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—First you have to put up with a little girl. [Also see, Oversight:
The Future of the Internet, below]
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"These guys are faggots." [Three guys passing
two guys on the street]
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—Not yet.
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—That wasn't smart.
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"Shut your little effeminate mouth."
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—Or vice versa.
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—Laugh, or I'll kill the lobster.
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"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
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—Or vice versa.
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—It's not evil.
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"Hey, pretty girl!" [From the bum on the corner]
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—Or vice versa.
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—People aren't garbage!
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"Getting all settled in?—Good girl!—Good
for you!"
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—Or vice versa.
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—That's almost the land that time forgot.
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"I suppose you never did anything
wrong."
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—Be resourceful.
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—You think I'm bad — what about my father?
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"You should know."
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—Even greater!
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—Some people say we're the same.
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"You're another."
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—Not yet.
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—Tell it to the Pope!
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"How can you tell me to stop smoking? —
You smoke more than I do."
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—Be resourceful.
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—I'd like to leave that out of it.
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"If you think communal living is
such a great idea, why aren't you living in a commune?"
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—Or vice versa.
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—Watch and wait.
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"It takes one to know one!"
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—Even greater!
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—Look who's talking!
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"I'm warped."
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—Even greater!
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—You're free.
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["I'm a taxi driver – Can I use your restroom?"] "It's
for customer only."
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—Even greater!
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—Allow me to dream a little longer.
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"Restroom for our customer!"
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—Even greater!
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—It must be hideous.
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"She who smelt it, dealt it!"
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—Or vice versa.
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—Look at that guy go!
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31-MAR-1999. Once in a blue moon!
28-AUG-2003.
At 7:35 am New York Time, someone in New Zealand asked the Internet, "Why
are you a faggot?" Six minutes later, at 4:41 am California Time, just
after I got up for work, I found that Google
had referred the question to taxi1010.com
for resolution.
Today I am roughly fifty-six years old. However, I certainly remember sticking
out my pee-pee with my father when I was three. Very shortly after, I outgrew,
or moved through, this homosexual madness. I guess it was a stage. My real problems
began when I was four years old, when my seven-year-old cousin and her younger
sister decided to show me what girls were all about. Now that was madness!
By the time I had reached second or third grade, I had become fascinated by
certain people's ability to "talk back" to girls and other bullies.
Clearly, by some accident, some people knew what they were doing (in the social
arena), while many more of us sort of bumbled along, "left to our own devices."
So I asked myself silently, –How do people who know what they're doing,
know what they're doing? and began to pay attention.
There's a certain phoniness going on, and a lot of it goes back to "Show
and Tell" in third grade: You're wearing a firehouse hat and raincoat,
you've trudged to the front of the class, and while you stand there like a fool,
the teacher asks, (using way too much energy,) "Hey, where have you been?"
Finally, after that ordeal, you slip back to your regular seat and watch the
next kid get tortured.
The only reason I'm bringing this up is that yesterday, while I was getting
breakfast at the United Airlines Employee's Cafeteria at SFO, I said, "Welcome
back!" to the cashier, (who had been on vacation,) and he replied, "Hey!
Where you been?" (which didn't make a lot of sense to me at the time.)
Then at the end of my shift driving a taxicab in San Francisco, I overheard
a quick-witted taxi driver saying, "I'll take that as a compliment,"
to someone, who immediately lapsed into a stupefied silence.
This morning someone in New Zealand asked the Internet, "Why are you a
faggot?" and then a book review in The New York Times ended, "In
the end, the message about iron, which is an interesting tidbit, is lost in
Dr.Shlain's need to impress the reader with his wide-reaching intellect."
[Meredith F. Small in "Books of the Times," The New York Times,
August 28, 2003] Are you beginning to feel bombarded?
There are two common reactions to verbal abuse: One is to absorb the flash
of irrationality and lapse into silence. Another is to flash something back,
in an angry attempt to mirror the attack.
By lunchtime, when I stopped to grab a luxurious plate of soft-shell crab on
top of risotto at Il
Fornaio, I had accumulated four insults, and had begun to understand something
about what to do with them:
The bartender was teasing the man next to me, saying, "Don't say anything
bad about the risotto! That's what Richard is getting," who immediately
turned to me and said, "Do you want my risotto?" I looked at his half-finished
dish – Never mind! I'll just add that to my list:
Many people have come to taxi1010.com and said, "The responses make no
sense whatsoever!" after they've spent five minutes here. (We know that
from our logs.) Not one person has ever said, "The attacks make no sense
whatsoever!"
So I'm trying to use the Imagination of Nature here, and found a number of
interesting sentences in my notebooks this morning, spoken by people who actually
make sense:
Now for some reason, those sentences seem to resonate with me, and when I begin
to match them up to the five attacks I've become interested in, I get the following:
If I went back into the past and found my self walking a little late into my
third grade class, and my best friend whispered to me (in my firehouse hat and
raincoat), "Hey, where you been?" I think
I might have enjoyed whispering back, "That's next.
It's called Show and Tell."
Many people absorb verbal abuse, and many people fiercely reflect it. Let's
look at this from a different angle. A different light. Oversight.
14-MAR-2008.
