"How would you describe that?" [Police officer to two-year-old boy who has just been sodomized at a party, after being repeatedly sandwiched between two adult men, taught how to suckle an erect penis to ejaculation, while being sexualized by hand, and penetrated from behind – "We're going to take him out for the best dinner he's ever had," they would tell my parents – All those people are dead now – Total assholes, including my parents – And to the rest of you, (They wink while they're passing judgment) I love your family values, your buried hostility, your bacchanal parties, your flimsy marriages, your Catholic coat-hanger abortions, your blind people, your patriotism, your sports teams, your churches, your Ivy League colleges, your TV programs, your market economy, your economic slavery, your cubbyholes, your cell phones, your witty sarcasm, your country clubs, your golf courses, your gated communities, and my art, which is eventually going to get around to this, and what's worse, the hushed cover-up that follows: A naked little boy running around at a party, How cute! ... a Scandinavian cherub ... The Sistine Chapel]

—A lot of things I didn't know about.

"You know, you're the one who kept me from inserting a subclavical shunt in your father for two weeks, and now he's dead." [From a vicious, lying physician, as the elevator door closes in your face]

—Very crude.

"Are you a doctor?"

—Can I compare thee to a toilet?

"We're a threesome – If you want to be involved, we'd have to ask you."

—Oh, sorry – I have band practice.

"Do you feel bad about yourself?"

—May your time machine not stop in the dark cave.

"Using NLP style tricks to calm down situations."

—With stairways to nowhere ... What will today bring? ... Self-remembering is the beginning of consciousness ... When you're present to yourself, you're conscious.

"Is truth an absolute?"

—There's one truth, death and taxes, that's what everyone says ... People set out highlights for other people, because they want big ideas ... What do they mean by truth? ... Your consciousness ... Everything you're aware of and what you're conscious of is your truth ... Truth is beauty, that's the hooker; beauty is truth ... It's very easy to be interested in ideas, especially if you're a Rabbi ... Allah! means breathing, and for some people, that's enough ... On those ships, they had to use it for other things.

"Plant yourself, and your faith will grow."

—The Gnostics believe there's a spark of light inside people, and if they get in touch with it, they see the truth – When you can afford it, be honest.

"Now you're trying to impose your suffering on me!"

—That's a different way to put it – Let's cut palms with knives and become blood brothers!

"Get over yourself."

—You could quote Malcolm X: "The future belongs to those who prepare for it today."

"Do you think everyone's as pure as you?"

—Down by the old mill ..., across the burning ..., my ....

"Was that cynical laughter, Richard?"

—Buried in the Bastille for two hundred years, and now it's coming to light. And you say, don't make so much noise! I'm powdering my nose.

"What are you giggling about?"

—Could you tell in any way?

"We've got Justice Kennedy writing decisions based upon international law, not the Constitution of the United States? That's just outrageous. And not only that, but he said in session that he does his own research on the Internet? That is just incredibly outrageous." (–Congressman Tom DeLay)

—Is this Show and Tell? Werewolf of London (1935) ... That's a good one!

"Constitutional entitlements do not ... spring into existence, as the Court seems to believe, because foreign nations decriminalize conduct. ... The Court's discussion of these foreign views (ignoring, of course, the many countries that have retained criminal prohibitions on sodomy) is therefore meaningless dicta. Dangerous dicta, however, since 'this Court ... should not impose foreign moods, fads, or fashions on Americans.'" [Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, June 26, 2003, in a dissenting opinion, LAWRENCE v. TEXAS, referring to recent decisions by the European Court of Human Rights]

—You can take those to school for Show and Tell.

"Would it be silly for me to wear a mask on my flight to Hawaii?"

—Sounds like a horror movie.

"Sounds like a horror movie."

—Regret nothing, because "Life is short; Nature is hostile; and man is ridiculous." (The Narrow Corner, W. Somerset Maugham, 1932)

"You're here for rock bottom, you absolute horror of a human being."

—You could have a sense of humor about it.

"It doesn't matter – It's meaningless." [Teen-age boy to his father]

—For someone my age – Come on! – I'm a piker.

"You don't speak English?" [After saying something that made no sense at all]

—You don't have enough trouble?

"What? For a minute there I thought you understood me." [Link from The E.\/.il Marketer, March 31, 2002]

—I'll tell you privately sometime.

"Somebody obviously needs the buttcandle." [Link from sensibleerection.com]

—Citizen Tom Paine.

"I don't 'get' some of the bridges, and I'd like to, are there pages of explanation that I have overlooked?"

—It sounds like a rebellion down in the mines.

"The only thing I want you to know is that if my company had won the contract, I'd be YOUR boss."

—I want you to take responsibility for that.

"I've been told I have a great body."

—Yours is just as good as anyone else's.

"I think a shark just went by."

—It's good to check.

"You know me! It could have been a piece of cardboard, and I've named it a shark!"

—Just keep in mind you can't fall off the Earth.

"Do you like seeing people just killed by sharks?"

—Psychology is wonderful, don't you think?

"Thanks for your concern." [Sarcastically]

—Simple shepherds of the north, Knifing ministers through the throat.

"Eat shit and die!"

—You can show us where it is, and we'll pass it around.

"Eat up!"

—The more at home people feel, the more delusional they are.

[Someone reading exam aloud]

—There's a trick. [Talk to the proctor ... or get up and move to another part of the examination room]

"I'm going to get a real gun." [One angry third-grade boy to another]

—Maybe it'll change your life.

"Oh, neighborhood watch, huh?" [Just because you're writing a note to yourself]

—I'll mention it to the boys downtown.

"Oh, he's writing it down."

—"Spinning a theory of stupidity while cataloging its sightings." (–Emily Eakin, New York Times, July 5, 2003)

"What are you writing?"

—They cost too much — I'm waiting for the price to come down.

"What kind of writing do you do?"

—I'm writing a book, "Women I Haven't Married."

"You guys do that yourself? — They don't do it for you?"

—Keep a low profile.

"Isn't your life miserable enough?"

—Well, I'm on a mission.

"Good luck with your ex!"

—Pump it up! Last set.

"Oh, everybody loves me, everybody loves me."

—The opposite of a vampire.

"Misery loves company."

—Nobody minds Winged Victory.

"You don't have a copy of that?" [Incredulously]

—That must be a great feeling.

"Kiss off!"

—All that stuff.

"Kiss my butt!"

—It's grotesque.

"You are way ahead in receiving Dad's generosity."

—I have no bad feeling toward your family.

"Well, this girl is certainly better than the other one. She will not leave you, and she won't control you either. You don't want to be controlled like before, do you?"

[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]

"They are a snake moving in the desert; they hold no place in Iraq." [Mohammed Saeed Sahaf - Information minister, April 3, 2003]

—It's because you're not Jewish.

"You know, there's a trash can on either corner." [To a bum who just dropped a candy bar wrapper on the sidewalk]

—You can be in two places at once; you just have to take your time.

"You know, there's a trash can up your ass." [From the bum]

—Gritty.

"You shut up! I'll beat your ass."

—Just like yours, right?

"You have a big ass!"

—Who endured the biggest ass in history?

"It's really none of your business."

—Jesus! — He tied his ass to a tree and walked a mile into town.

"How's business?"

—Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's easy.

"So, how's the taxi business?"

—It died in a bubble.

"How's the cab business?"

—Don't feel cheated.

"That's my business."

—Secret offshore banking.

"Your mother's and my personal life is none of your concern."

—Well, who am I?

["Where are you from?" "I'm from a country." "Which one?"] "That's of no importance to you."

—It's a great advantage to have friends – It really helps.

"Is this yours?"

—Look at the chart.

"Is it yours?"

—I'm going to get another one.

"Up yours!"

—To be with the rest of your kind.

"Another shitty day in paradise."

—Two steps forward, one step back.

"Don't rub it in."

—Just sneak it in.

"Eat me!"

—I don't want to be the stooge of a fool.

"Once a Jap, always a Jap."

—Some people like their parents.

"That's what you always say."

—That's all I know about it.

"I'm always in the wrong line."

—No wonder you look so happy.

"Do you always read other people's phone messages?"

—The life of Demento.

"Oh, my God! Anyone who sees this is going to think I'm shallow!"

—Get a pitchfork.

"Don't denigrate yourself!"

—It's against my principles.

"What's management think about this?"

—They begged me, "Please be a nice guy!"

"Can you take a ten-inch cock?"

—Why, is there one missing?

"Are you on crack?"

—I hope the words, "Who needs you?" aren't engraved on your tombstone.

"We're bigger and on top – If this were prison, you'd be our bitch."

—Not Sicilians.

"Hey, jerk-off, what do you want?"

—To save money.

"Dumb-ass!"

—That's as cheap as you can get?

"Blow it out your ass."

—I don't want to ruin it for you.

"Go fuck yourself!"

—It's not worth it.

"Why don't you go fuck yourself?"

—Don't sell yourself short.

"You're not supposed to kiss and tell!"

—No wonder they think we're barbarians!

"Don't just ignore the fact that I went out of my way to help you."

—Because I don't want to get in a rut.

"You're not supposed to do that."

—I'm going to let you talk to Andy ... And 'e walks with me; And 'e talks with me; And 'e holds my hand; And he tells me I'm bad.

[A process server outside your door; don't open the door! It's like a Laurel and Hardy movie; you're just patient, and sooner or later they'll leave you alone] "This is Tim Hutton from the Berkeley Heritage ... I'm writing a story about local writers, poets, and artists ... Are you saying there's no one here who's a writer, poet, or artist? Cheeze!" [Berkeley Heritage doesn't exist; sooner or later liars always trip themselves up]

—We're busy ... Nobody's here ... Not that I know of ... We have everything here! ... Most people left ... It's kind of a Church, devoted to the memory ... Most people learned and left ... I'm not saying ... I'm not sure I want it ... Come to your senses! ... We live in the land of rugs ... I'm not telling you, and don't you write it down! ... Oh, come on! ... That's just a hoax.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

—Wide open!

"Pick it up!" [A canine feces]

—They're not that smart.

"Okay, DICKIE!"

—I'd be happy, too.

"Pick on someone your own size."

—People really get caught up in greed, don't they?

"Shark!"

—It's hiding under the couch.