"I was browsing around on Howstuffworks.com in the weapons section so I could scare Jay with more talk of sniper rifles, but I got sidetracked by this article on verbal self-defence. Worried now that the Quipmistress has arrived on the scene, I thought I should brush up on my ripostes and followed the links. A short time later, I was at this site. I have absolutely no idea what to make of it. Do these comebacks work? Are they as weak as they seem, or am I missing something? Submitted for your consideration: http://www.taxi1010.com Peter" [Message at bad_craziness]

—I write the most pungent things – Don't you know some old ladies you could trip or something?

"When I checked the site out, I was kind of shocked at how weak they were, myself. For more than a few, I was trying to figure out if that was actually the rejoinder they were recommending or what. Then I realized that it's a site for kids that recommends that they 'don't say too much' and 'give themselves time to heal.' The idea, it seems - though they don't say so in so many words - is to say SOMETHING so you don't feel like a pussy who just walked away from a confrontation, but don't say enough that the person confronting you will actually care, consider you a worthy opponent, and want to continue." [Message at bad_craziness]

—We're all insane, but everybody brings something to the table – Sometimes you have to dig a little deeper to find it – Artists are wacko – The minute you begin to show talent, people will try to take you away from your work and waste your time – I'm losing your signal! – I'll call you from the airport.

[Body press – someone crowding in on you, almost pushing you aside]

—And this is supposed to make me happy?

"Are you working tomorrow, dippy?"

—This is the price for living in paradise.

"JESUS FUCKS YOU! JESUS FUCKS YOU!"

—Don't you want to set a good example for your dogs?

"Fight your own battles."

—You're lucky you started young.

"Do you have something against wheelchairs?"

—I know what I did — I just made a mistake.

"DID YOU SEE THE ORANGE CONE?"

—It gives me anxiety to be yelled at.

"You better watch what you say to me." [From a venting police officer]

—As always.

"Are men intimidated by you?" [Interrogation of Indian actress on 60 Minutes]

—There's a few.

"You better get that boy a haircut, man!"

—Nothing to worry about.

"You call that a haircut?"

—It makes you feel good, doesn't it?

"Can't you be serious?"

—Deadly serious.

"You have a freak flag – You just don't fly it."

—I'm sure I don't need it.

"Don't be a fool!"

—You're lucky you don't have to deal with people like that.

—Let's be serious is on third.

["The population seems to have doubled."] "It's all the students."

—Oh, yes! — Real depth analysis went into that.

"You need new brakes."

—It's safe — The brakes work.

["Isn't Amoret's dog great?"] "Well, I think she looks like a germ."

—Say no more!

"The spoon works better."

—It's better than dinner.

"Maybe I shouldn't give them to you — I don't want you to come down here and stalk him."

—Just be nice.

"And we thought you were a hotshot programmer."

—It's one of those mysteries – It's one of the mysteries that will be revealed.

"You call yourself a professional?"

—Just try to be yourself.

"That's so professional of me, isn't it?" [Self-attacking sarcasm]

—At least you're not a professional self-destroyer.

"I tried to write poetry, as you can see; but I talked about money, so you're better than me."

—It's good to have a few mistakes.

"Don't you people have anything better to do?"

—That includes everything!

"Nothing better to do with your time?"

—Is this your idea of a social life?

"Two Wongs Don't Make a White!"

—When you have Egyptian principles.

"How weak is that?"

—What does it have to do with you?

"We have big plans for you — later!"

—What can you pay me that won't give you a heart attack?

[Jabs, pokes, prods, bumps, pushes, leans, assists, hot breath on your neck, lightly touching]

—Yeah, yeah ... THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

"Shut up, skank!"

—That's a good thing to tell your mother ... What a terror, huh? ... It's like another person ... I'm like an oil well ... You just don't have to tell him anything.

[Someone poking you, provoking you, trying to start a fight]

—What do you call the major hitting guy in the army? ... Oh, the Drill Sergeant is hitting me! ... Well, how tall are you? ... You can go into wrestling as the Major Midget ... Tell yourself, Grow up!

"Mind if I grab one?"

—Get away!

[Someone trying to grab a free newspaper after you've opened the box]

—It's not for you.

"You suck!"

—Never boring.

"The sheep better watch out."

—Very fierce!

"I'll be seeing YOU later." [Ominously]

—You can do whatever you want.

"Don't rock the boat."

—Most people with a brain don't want to.

"You wouldn't touch my wife, would you?"

—Not without your go-ahead.

"Nice chatting with you."

—It's many things, isn't it?

"See you later!" [Insincerely]

—Happy trails!

"See you later, alligator."

—Cunning and exile.

"See you around."

—Plant you now, dig you later!

"Have a better day."

—When you're in something, you're in the middle of it.