"I guess I'm going to have to take that Nobel Peace Prize off my résumé."

—Protect yourself from mannequins.

"Are you pulling out, sir?"

—In due time.

"Keep Richard under control."

—Maybe what they didn't say is there are hundreds of little schools teaching people to stay away from all of this.

"Control yourself!"

—I'm a Buddhist.

"It's a way to have control over my body because I can't control anything else in my life."

—"Depression is often described as anger turned inward." (–Jane E. Brody)

[Loudmouth at a movie theater yakking away like there's no tomorrow]

—That's enough, isn't it? ... Clever, huh? ... I wouldn't tell many people that ... It's the death of a thousand cuts! ... Two really sharp guys ... And no one else ... We're talking real dumb-down! ... Well, anyone could say three words ... Somebody's got to be a bitch and you're good at it ... Am I the first person this has happened to? ... I'll say it ... It's so disturbing on so many levels ... To one and all! ... Not "High and Mighty!" It's "Low and Mighty!" ... Let's call it quits. [The thing about smart people is, what do they want to kill themselves for? ... "Great powers should never get involved in the politics of small tribes." (–Kamal Salibi)]

[People talking to each other during a movie – These people are like intuitive – They can tell who they're going to upset – When certain things happen, they trigger a response – Everyone has something]

—All is not lost – They're rats! – I got to hear this – Is that the best you can do? ... She understands everything ... Something funny ... That's her role. [Or simply get up and move to a quieter place – Why work for these people?]

"You should write a little book."

—I'm on vacation!

"You should take a break every now and then."

—I'm having too much fun!

"You should put your phone number on here so that people can call you for a taxi."

—Hundreds of things, if you can.

"We'll probably be sick of each other by then."

—Because this is your imitation of Michael Jackson.

"You're too young to have a train now – We'll put it away for a while."

—Who's going to fix it? No one! Who cares?

"Maybe we'll have a bigger one." [A war bigger than the one in Iraq]

—Is life grand?

"So are you happy?"

—What if a stone came up to you and said, "Am I a stone?" ... Of course! ... You're the kind of mother I don't need ... I already had one ... I feel that Jesus is a dead pinball machine ... "Don't get knifed!" ... "Don't hurt people's feelings." ... "Don't make work for other people's expectations." ... "No bad language." ... "No social incorrectness." ... "No variations from normal." ... That's called nagware ... It's ridiculous to be other than you are ... A little tired.

"Are you happy working in this job for nine years?"

—What happens every day is important ... I can't deny a part of me is always happy.

"Do you want to look at three pictures of me when I was really happy?"

—It gives you hope, doesn't it?

"Have you been happy?"

—That's how you learn to like yourself.

"Are you still happy?"

—You can't like anything unless you like yourself.

"It kind of sucks out there, doesn't it?"

—Some people have to have a payoff, right?

"Oh, you going out tonight?"

—How come you're so smart?

"Is everybody happy?" [In the course of the morning half the office has been given "secret" raises]

—Favored children.

[Mean-mugging]

—Gee! ... I'm getting crazy!

"What's up? You got something to say? You want to do something?"

—Today I learned I'm going to die ... I'll find someone else ... I'm not quite ready.

"You want to take it out on the street?"

—Hardly worth it ... It was so long ago I don't really remember ... Don't make me kill again!

"Stay out of trouble now."

—It's hard enough having Nature poking at you.

"We have to go back to basics."

—Can't you go back to something else?

"I have a favor to ask you ... I'm having a party next week and I'm wondering if you can move the garbage cans we can see in your driveway? ... Just for that event ...."

—Sure I will! [Then forget it]

"Take care of this." [Throw it away]

—Have you read, What Was That? by Al Zeimer?

"Throw that in the garbage for me."

—He talks that cool managerial lingo.

["That's MINE!"] "No, the fire truck does not belong to you."

—Dear God, please come here and save us, but don't send Jesus, because this is not a place for a child.

"Are you looking for other guys?"

—You know, people are really kinky.

"So, we're all helping each other here, huh?"

—With enough help, you can figure out anything.

[Personal attacks, hate mail, vitriolic e-mail or other written invective, from "e-holes."]

—"Dear Madam," wrote Winston Churchill, "You may very well be right."

"They're like our mothers – Excuse me, I should speak for myself – They're like my mother ... which explains why we perpetually live the single life."

—She throws her bag down and says, "Everything's in here!"

"When John Amaral tells Richard it's okay to sue me, that's when I'll leave the country."

—Throw away the book – When someone's lived, these things are meaningless.

"Your scatterbrained and feeble attempts to make sense of everything leave something to be desired."

—What did you say your name is again? ... You mean, Dr. Horse Sense? ... Get your fingernails off the blackboard, you bitch ... As Vladimir Putin says, Let's preserve the intrigue.

"Yiddish is rich in curses that, at their best, leave just enough to the imagination to keep the recipient tossing and turning at night, poring over possible implications." (–William Grimes, NYT, 9-28-05, review of Michael Wex, Born to Kvetch)

—All you can expect from someone like that is rejection – They'll reject you to overcome their pain.

"Yes, I have decided I will assassinate Barack Obama. It's really nothing personal about the man ... I don't own a gun so maybe someone can give me one." (–Steven J. Christopher, who was arrested by Secret Service agents in Mississippi after posting these comments January 11, 2009 "on a Web site that features information and articles about extraterrestrials, government conspiracies and unexplained physical phenomenon [sic]," according to The New York Times, January 17, 2009)

—"Threats against the president-elect will be taken very seriously." (–Dunn Lampton, United States attorney in Jackson, Mississippi)

"I made a hit list. It was so fun to write their names down saying I want them dead."

—You don't need that kind of hot water.

"Taxi driving is considered one of the most low-paying, dangerous, and economically unstable occupations in the country."

—It's not power and control people yearn for; it's understanding and humor.

"Judaism is defined by exile, and exile without complaint is tourism." (–Michael Wex, Born to Kvetch)

—Why hate them? Most people are already their own punishment.

["Google has given up on the size wars – They no longer list how many pages they've indexed."] "Well, maybe they believe what women pretend to believe – that size doesn't matter."

—You don't give it to 'em all at once.

"This guy is also really fixated on people asking him why he's late."

—I'm a businessperson. I go by reality. We don't go by calendars.

["Wow! That's the first cola I've had in about five years!"] "You don't like them? ... or you just were drinking water?"

—Just for the weekend.

"My daughter says you stepped on her clock and broke it."

—And who else?

"He must have pulled something on her."

—Sounds serious.

"Maybe the only people in the world who can see my site are me and Michael Gibbons." [They like to throw that in, because then you can prove anything]

—People make do.

"David, you don't have to hate Alan – George Bush already does."

—I'd call Homeland Security.

"You're up to your old tricks again."

—You hear about the cross-eyed school teacher who couldn't keep her pupils straight?

"I'll give you twenty dollars for that. I'm leaving town. I really need it." [Trying to buy the book you just bought]

—Forget it! ... Never buy anything secondhand!

"Are you leaving, Sir?"

—Well, there's a saying about that, isn't there? ... I'm giving up control.

"I want that space."

—I want a chocolate ice-cream soda size.

"Sir, are you leaving?"

—I always have ... It's all observer.

"You leaving?"

—I have to work.

"Leaving?"

—Very shortly.

"Are you leaving?"

—Where do you think belly buttons come from?

"Of course, you don't care – You're leaving, anyway."

—A part of me does.

"Some structure and logic is either missing [From taxi1010] or I can't just find it."

—They're always trying to make you feel bad for having fun.

"This should be published."

—That'll cheer you up.

"You should get started on that."

—Oh, I really like doing what you tell me to do.

"You see? — You should take me out to dinner more often."

—Maybe there'll be something even better.

"You should tell her to go to the Penland School of Crafts."

—In poverty your constellation of friends, close as Pleiades, becomes as great as Ursa Major.

"You should go to Japan."

—Where's the money come from?

"You should teach them English."

—Just to be a little bad.

["That is your ex-girlfriend?"] "She never had a boyfriend. Seriously, Icarus, you should consider asking her out sometime."

[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]

"That was before you knew Chris Daniels."

—A big dog, forget it!

"By the way, we do think you should call your mother more often."

—Keep track of that.

"You got your mother a gift, didn't you?"

—Money is nice, isn't it?

"You really should put in a lawn, it would set off the flower beds so well."

—I dabble in trouble.

"The next money you spend should be on bales of pine straw."

—What am I going to do with money when I'm dead?

"You should cover all the land with pine straw, it would set off your flower beds so well."

—We do everything by moonlight.

[Someone spraying your dog with a garden hose]

—Once a philosopher, twice a fool!

[Someone at a lunch counter whacking you with their elbow while they eat]

—After three I lose count.

"Oh, you are in trouble now — You are so busted!"

—Everything you can think of.

"FIRST OF ALL — YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!"

—Punch that banana! It didn't grow right. It talked back to its mom!

"You can't fight fire with fire."

—It's a fucking pain in the ass.

"Achieving critical mass."

—Karma – It just evens the score – It comes up from behind ... It happens when you're not looking ... Somewhere there is where you are ... Want what you have: It's like a magnet ... Put as much attention as you can into neutral ... When it's in the water, the fish can see that – Everything charged ... Just lay off the fancy footwork and be kind to people ... You don't have to know anything ... The refrigerator will come to you – It's called taking a back seat ... Quiet mind, body. Sense yourself. Just be ... It's a good thing to know ... The bigger the denial, the bigger the truth underneath it – That'll help ... I solemnly swear, I am up to no good ... My inner projector is wishful thinking, a little boy who wants a mother ... Try to quiet your thoughts, memories and sensations, and just be alive. You have the right to just be ... Let that be the greatest of your problems ... Ignore girls as best you can, because it causes them to raise the stakes ... Whatever they're doing, thinking, or feeling has nothing to do with you directly ... The only thing they respect is to be ignored – Until it's too late ... You're not supposed to invest in another person ... There's relations – You can't force things – They're either there, or they aren't there ... The more you act like you don't need anything, the more people will respect you.

"I'm calling your mother."

—Everybody has everything wrong with them, and if they call it a name, it cements.

"What happened to that other woman?"

—She's so natural — She's a real natural! — She's so happy!

"Richard, Could you tell me please who you are, why you are sending this to me, and where you got my e-mail address? Thanks, Kathryn S."

—If you see a huge flash of light, don't look at it.

"Well, you have a problem – You're too confident."

—Leave your jealousy at the door.

"Going somewhere?"

—Brick by brick, my citizens.

"There's a lesson here somewhere."

—How bad can you get?

"The ACLU's got to take a lot of blame for this." [Jerry Falwell, referring to the 9-11 terror attacks]

—The only thing worse than having the Moral Majority for an enemy is having the Moral Majority for a friend.

"My kid has the right to rollerblade down the sidewalk."

—It's tricky.

"Can I pet your dog?" [From a little boy]

—You have to be careful!

"It didn't work before ... Why should it work now?"

—That's the way they talk to servants.

"Hey! Look who's in the street behind you before you back up!"

—I'm sorry, my wife is in the hospital – I have to visit her.

"Excuse me – Could you please pick that up off the sidewalk?"

—And you're going to Bermuda ... There's not many people that bad ... There you go – It's your big breakthrough [getting angry] ... Is there a mound of dirt in the back yard? ... Shut up or we'll drop another bomb on you.

"You can't please everyone all the time."

—Probably fear of homosexuality.

"Please don't be bad to her!"

—If you insist.

"Don't you ever look behind you when you back up?"

—We always have.

"I don't care about your show — Even when some fudge packer that you date has been elected President, I don't give a damn — Do you get me, sweetheart?"

—Your suffering is the result of your intelligence.

"This site has lots of depth and originality; I, being British, never penetrated the psychobabble though."

—Whatever that means.

"It's disgusting that a guy who doesn't know that a watt is joules per second should be allowed to write for The Times."

—There's a first for everything.

"If you have that much trouble counting on one hand, you shouldn't be reviewing technology – Maybe a four-year-old can help you out next time."

—Is there no end? – There's no end to stupidity.

"I don't think I want to know you anymore — All you do is make me feel bad about myself."

—You're afraid to slow down and enjoy anything good.

"You sound pretty distrustful."

—You can't be too sure.

"I'm so proud of myself."

—One thing leads to another.

"Something to be proud of."

—What are you, a phony?

"Now you don't have to pay attention to anything they say." [The critics]

—There's always a twin behind the curtain.

"Hate is not a family value."

—If you lie about hatred, it comes out in ways you don't expect.

"I have a really big dick."

—For an emergency, I guess.

"Dink is small?"

—Maybe you grew one.

"Are you insecure about your cock size?"

—Sometimes life is good.

"Size matters."

—Look, is it my fault?

"Why be inferior?"

—They have to beg for it.

"Heartbroken, and I want to move on."

—There's a conflict there – Should you get attention for being injured, or should you get over it?

"I'm afraid!"

—I have on iron underwear.

"Well, I found this syllabus. Is that what you want me to read?"

—It'll be a social embarrassment.

"OK. I found the site, and I read something. Now you want me to write something to you?"

—It's all how you feel on the inside.

"What do you want me to do?"

—You can have fun.

"What do you want me to read?"

—Forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest.

"You make me want to be a better man."

—Well, I'm suspicious.

"Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?"

—That will only magnify how shallow you are.

["You just don't know what I like to do when I'm alone."] "I don't want to go there."

—Many people have that decision made for them.

["What a nice car!"] "You want it?"

—It's good to see.

"Janet, you know what I want you to do?"

—There's no single answer to that.

"Do you want these two kids?" [Teasing them]

—It's nice to like someone.

"If you'd been listening to the announcement from the captain, ... you can't use your cell phone right now!"

—And if you do, watch out!

"Hello. You gave me a ride in your cab yesterday morning. I left my phone in there. If you have any kind of heart at all, or a decent person, you will call me. Thank you very much."

—There's a lot of 'em here.

"If you really loved me, you wouldn't want to go bowling."

—If something else happens, I'll let you know.

"You don't want to be an accountant—Math isn't exactly your strong suit."

—Sounds like something my mother would say.

"I am your mother!"

—It still sounds like something my mother would say.

"A little self-indulgence."

—That's old age, huh?

"Your mama!"

—Don't ever let anyone you know near your family or they'll hate you.

"You grew up on Maple Street? You know, there was a woman I used to fuck on Maple Street."

—Oh! It must have been my mother – She has syphilis.

"You shouldn't talk about your mother that way."

—Well, you fucked her! – Now you'll get syphilis.

["I'm from New Jersey."] "Well, when I was in New Jersey, I fucked your mother."

—No, that's not true — You're still alive.

"You know, when you go home tonight and get in bed with mommy, be sure and tell her what a bad boy you were."

—Now I know your secret.

"Your mother wears army boots!"

—If she's in the Marines!

"Your mother!"

—You just better Watch out!

"Your mother fucked half of Sioux City."

—Boy, that's advanced.

"Your sister fucked the other half."

—That's really strong.

"I got paid yesterday, dude!"

—What's doing?

[A pretty girl purposefully crossing your path]

—Hey, there!

"Quick, quick, quick!"

—It's the Wild West.

"That was quick."

—I surrender.

"Okay, where can we get some French toast? Quick!"

—You know, it's just ideas.

"Why are you shaking and popping?"

—So what if water comes out of the radiator?

"Sorry, Virginia, I didn't mean to cross you."

—All that trouble for nothing.

"I don't care what Virginia says."

—That's another nail out of your coffin.

"Hey, buddy, give me a lift, will you? I'll give you some gas money. Please!"

—Just like Jack Benny ... Very expensive! ... They just buy people.

"I scratch your back; you scratch my back."

—Sliding scale, right?

"I'll take care of you; you take care of me."

—If you don't want a dollar, you can give it to a child.

"Happy Valentine's Day to you."

—Everything could be like that.

"I hate Valentine's Day."

—I never even heard of it.

"What did you do Valentine's Day?"

—The less you do, the better off you are.

"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

—There's a lot to be said for being able to be frightened.

"Try to stay out of trouble!"

—Why should a person stay up all night wringing their hands?

"Because I'm your mother!"

—Who says so?

"Don't you even care what happens to the other students?"

—Acting strong is not the same thing as being strong.

"There you go! — Building up your résumé."

—You're holding up the corner nicely.

"You've got so much energy I don't know what to do with you."

—More than you would know.

"I'm the most boring person in the world."

—We can be terrors on the planet, and we can wear T-shirts.

"Boring!"

—It's the little things.

"Work it out yourself."

—Dinosaurs are a pain in the ass.

"Are you using telepathy?"

—You don't hear too much about that.

"Oh, is he afraid?"

—Everything you think it is, it isn't.

"You know, Richard, I'm afraid of heights."

—Truth is stranger than fiction.

"Who do I have to fuck to get out of here?"

—Ciao, bella!