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ATTACKS
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BRIDGE
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SILENT BACKUP
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"Jesus, you were stalking me now?"
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—Not quite.
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—You could hire an illegal immigrant.
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"You're so superficial."
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—Well said.
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—How easy it is to do things without doing anything.
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"A little superficial, isn't it?"
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—You wonder.
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—From your point of view.
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"Got passed up again?"
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—Not quite.
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—You don't have to strive to be alive, because you are.
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"All it means is, you have more time to sit in front of a computer
and play games."
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—Not quite.
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—A child molester may attack you.
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"Who needs you?"
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—You wonder.
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—Bitchy rednecks ... I don't even care anymore.
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"What is your problem? – You have all the advantages
in the world."
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—Not quite.
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—You have to play through.
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"I feel naked."
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—Not quite.
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—It's better if you don't freeze it.
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[Someone on the cell phone, looking at you, though not
talking to you after all]
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—Someone else.
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—There's a lot that's going on.
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"Who knows what their rules are." [Wacky drivers]
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—You wonder.
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—Be careful.
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"Hey, who do you go to for taxes?"
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—Well said.
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—Lucky for you people still get married.
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"Your friends are not always who you think they
are."
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—You wonder.
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—All your base are belong to us ... You are on the way to destruction ...
HA, HA, HA, HA.
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"What do you think our relationship is built
on?"
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—You wonder.
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—A little peace and quiet.
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"Are you dating someone from Danville?"
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—You wonder.
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—You don't know how lucky I am.
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"Why do people become ugly as they grow old?"
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—You wonder.
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—There's a reason people drink wine in France.
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"Oh! I thought you were Matt Schnider." [Who
has a reputation for leaving work early]
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—Someone else.
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—He may feel it's the only way to relate to you.
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"I heard the landlord telling you he was going
to replace the back door."
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—Not quite.
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—Like a Daisy Cutter — all mixed up.
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"I overheard the conversation."
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—You wonder.
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—The fact too good to check.
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"Have you ever heard of the American Vietnam War?
American GI? Boom!"
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—Well said.
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—When I was little.
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"Hey, Richard, how's it hanging?"
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—Well said.
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—The die is cast, as they say.
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"Uh-oh! Trouble in paradise?"
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—Not quite.
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—The ones who bray at the moon whenever the sun is out?
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"Oh, I saw your card; it's very nice. Did you scan a picture of
Sam and then trace it?"
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—You wonder.
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—You can't scare me.
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"I was just wondering; my students do that."
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—Well said.
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—That must be disappointing.
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"Excuse me, are you the lady in charge of the coffee?"
(–spoken to Naomi Halas, Rice University)
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—Someone else.
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—Oh, I like your work very much.
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"I don't want to put something on the web, where it will be seen
as inconsequential by people of power and influence,
ignored by inconsequential people, or even read by inconsequential
people – I want to exert my will upon the people of influence ...
upon the movers and shakers!"
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—You wonder.
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—One of these days they'll change your name to Alcoa.
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"He's nothing; he's really inconsequential."
[Your father]
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—You wonder.
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—That's the trouble with having a lot of money.
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"You copycat!"
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—You wonder.
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—Just like you.
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"I'm an atheist."
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—You wonder.
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—What strikes your awe?
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"I pity you."
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—You wonder.
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—Not all tears are the same.
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"What are you doing for Thanksgiving?"
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—Well said.
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—Feeding a child — That's the definition of good.
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"Well, it's really not cheating — He just didn't cite
all the sources."
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—Well said.
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—That's a real help.
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"Are you a showgirl or a stripper?"
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—Someone else.
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—You know, I never thought of that – We're getting a screen.
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"That's inappropriate."
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—Not quite.
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—It's funny who wants to get stuck on the farm and who doesn't.
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"Well, you're a San Francisco taxi driver – You're a tourist
when you drive over here."
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—Not quite.
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—It doesn't have to be good – It's what you're doing.
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"Everything you're saying is a dodge."
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—Well said.
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—And you don't even wonder why.
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"Before she died, your mother told the entire town
you were gay."
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—Well said.
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—Deeply concerned.
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"I like your faggot shoes."
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—Well said.
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—Tell me about it!
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"It's an organization for real men." [The
Masons]
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—Well said.
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—It's inspiring, isn't it? – Just follow the rules.
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"I really feel sorry for Gina."
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—You wonder.
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—I try and stay out of the way.
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"How's she feel about that?"
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—You wonder.
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—It's really deep.
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"Don't you think she's a saint?"
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—Well said.
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—I've always thought that.
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"I must be losing my mind!"
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—Not quite.
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—Never again!
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"However, I've also said a few other things about
Evans' book: that when I prescribe that book to my clients, I also tell
them that I think the author is herself
angry (self-righteous), and is too hard on abusers
(does not understand them). I've written articles about being 'stuck in
anger' and being in 'VictimThink' based on my take of her work. This is
only a partial summary of my mostly negative take of
her work (except as per above), which I've written about across the site.
My impression has only strengthened based on how she
handled Becky's e-mail warning and how she (didn't) handle
me. Add self-important to my laundry list. Ps: You don't
have to agree with me."
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—Well said.
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—Just like the pyramids.
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"You're not my therapist."
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—Well said.
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—I don't have a beak.
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"That's alright." [Refusing your business
card]
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—Not quite.
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—I could live without the whole thing.
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"No sale, not today."
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—Someone else.
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—Some do, some don't.
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"Close, but no cigar."
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—Someone else.
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—Just lighting a match is nothing if it doesn't light up the whole
world.
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"All these seats are saved."
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—Well said.
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—That's what happens.
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[Someone playing favorites and not playing fair]
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—Well said.
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—The same to you!
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["What line of work are you in?"] "Who,
me?"
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—Well said.
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—And watch yourself at all times!
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"Who asked you?"
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—Well said.
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—I don't think I would be interested.
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"The last person who did that was Alan Hevisi."
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—Someone else.
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—This is between you and me.
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"Hey Icarus, who was the girl in the car with you?"
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—Someone else.
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[See Icarus
and the Gutter Snipe]
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"Sir! Sir! Who is your employer?" [From some
self-styled security guard]
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—You wonder.
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—There's not many, so it doesn't matter.
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"You don't know who I am."
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—Not quite.
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—Only psychotic people don't see behind things.
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"Who the fuck do you think you are?"
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—Someone else.
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—A stork brought you, but a blackbird smashed me on
the Earth.
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"I understand ... You're not your brother's keeper."
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—You wonder.
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—Don't allow yourself to wonder what you'll do next, and then you'll
live into it.
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"He was in the sock drawer the whole time."
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—Someone else.
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—Is your foot over bugs bunny's hole?
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"How's your Suburu?"
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Someone asked my friend Adam, "How's your Suburu?"
He had to explain he doesn't actually have a Suburu. I was really glad
to overhear this exchange, because for the first time, I felt I wasn't
alone.
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"How's business?"
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This question is so intimidating. When someone asked me
this question this afternoon, upon seeing me floundering for a response,
he added, "I mean, is it different from three years ago?"
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"What are their names?"
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No good has ever come from this question. No one has ever
said, "Oh, those are great names for a Scottie and a Westie! Would
you like to come to a party tonight? Some terrific girls are looking for
you!"
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"Paper or plastic?"
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I try to reach beyond this question. For the longest time,
I just said, "—Doesn't matter."
Then one day it occurred to me to ask the grocer, "Well, what would
be easiest for you?" He said, "Paper. It's easier for me to
load these cans of dog food into paper." A few days later, another
clerk said, "Plastic. They cost us much less, and the handles don't
break."
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"Do you know UNIX?"
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This question makes me want to cry. Twice published, once
in a refereed journal, with eighteen years experience as a systems programmer,
including three on a VAX, I never understood why they were asking this —
For "vi" experience? Knowledge of queuing algorithms inside
the kernel? Systems Administration? Shell scripting? And if the latter,
for which shell? Korn shell? Bourne shell? C shell? — I'd gaze
quizzically at them, and say, "I guess so." After a while I
just started driving a cab.
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"Have you had any Windows experience?"
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"What kind of cheese?"
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I asked the waiter what were my choices. I wrote them
down, left the restaurant, and went to the grocery store. Okay. Monterey
Jack, Sharp Cheddar, Swiss, and Provolone — I spent about thirty
dollars for the cheeses, a pound of Ground Sirloin, and a few things for
the dogs. Now. The four burgers tasted pretty much the same, except I
gave the leftover Provolone and Cheddar burgers to Achilles and Paris.
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"What's the weather going to be this weekend?"
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I've got this one down cold. "They don't know,"
I said brightly to the lady in the back seat of my cab. She did not like
the idea of talking to a cab driver, I can tell you that. "They •
don't • know," she repeated slowly.
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"You go to work now or
you go home?"
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Fortnightly, I pick up my washed, starched, ironed and
folded shirts from a Thai lady. I always say, "No starch," but
it never does any good. "—It's relative,"
I told her. "When you work, work hard, and when you play, don't work
at all!"
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20-MAY-1999. In my Verbal Self-Defense Workshops I come back to an overview
again and again and again. Two kinds of people have enormous difficulty learning
a new paradigm for responding to verbal assault. The first kind is a person
who, very simply, doesn't have any ideals. They simply see life as a sort of
game in which you go around copying people until you can get the better hand.
The second kind is someone who is unconsciously addicted to verbal violence.
The only reason they come to my workshop is to sharpen their arrows, and I don't
really give them any help.
The biggest complaint I get is that the responses I teach have too many meanings!
"But what does that response really mean?" they ask over and over.
They don't immediately grasp that a response with one sharp meaning (an arrow)
simply leads to a further exchange of arrows. For example, if someone uses either
of the responses, "Grow up!" or "Drop dead!" (neither of
which I teach) the other person can immediately shoot back, "—YOU
could."
As an experiment, I asked one of my sharp-witted students to tell me what he
would say if someone said, "Who the fuck do you think
you are?" He immediately responded, "Yo' mama!"
"How did you know that response?" I asked him. He told me he learned
it as a kid in New York. "So why can't a person spend a little time to
learn something else as an adult?" I replied. Then I asked him to pretend
he was a corporate CEO and to ask me the same question.
—You wonder.
—Someone else.
21-FEB-2008.
