"Hey! Punch me in, too, will ya'?"

—Who else does?

"Is she adopted?"

—How long do you think that'll last? ... I know things about Jesus you'll never know ... There's nothing too advanced for children ... They're way ahead of us ... You may remember your birth.

"Mom, was I adopted?"

—Can you remember?

"You can't register for classes because the paperwork for your loan hasn't gone through."

—Maybe they're hooked on some drug ... Valium ... What is there to be afraid of? ... Who cares where you've been if you can do things! ... Well, I'm working right now ... How about next weekend? ... That's one of the blessings of poverty ... That shows you have energy ... So how long is this going to go on? ... There's not much left, is there? ... It's upside down! ... It's always longer than you think ... Let's try that ... That's what you go to school to learn!

["I love San Francisco!"] "Because?"

—It's that old black magic.

"It's changed — It's all because of your people."

—You have to knock three times and ask for Joe.

"Stupid people like to make comebacks because they aren't smart enough to make them up on the spot!"

—If you're a secretary when you're three, you're a boss when you're thirty-three.

"Well, it doesn't matter, because we're not coming back."

—Some people look no farther than their mothers' kitchen table.

"Okay, Kevin, it's all squared away, huh?"

—You just keep hammering away.

"Why do you care?"

—Jacob at Live Journal says, "So ... I know how to deal with this situation in the future, and there isn't this type of problem again."

"I'm here!"

—Apparently.

"What's your field?"

—The outside of the garbage can.

"What's your education?"

—The inside of the garbage can.

"What's your training?"

—The plastic bag.

"What's your background?"

—Always working.

"Well, I mean, what are your credentials?"

—Oh, you mean, my rank!

"Where are you in the pecking order?"

—I'm at the bottom!

"You don't say."

—Who would believe it?

[Mumbling]

—Someone you're close to.

"Taxi 10101010101 What? Now, when I hear the phrase Non-escalating Verbal Self-Defense, my interest is clearly piqued ... but damn. I can't decide if the author is genius, insane -- or both." [Link from my so-called blog]

—Or boring!

"I'm going mad."

—If you're ever in LA, have your people call my people, and we'll have lunch.

"You're mad at me!"

—I have enough troubles.

"I'm mad at you!"

—Will the sun come up?

"Use your imagination."

—Black is beautiful.

"Why?"

—You have to face reality.

["I'm not coming in tomorrow."] "Why not?"

—Don't expect anything – You can only be pleasantly surprised.

"Why not?"

—Keep your fingers crossed.

"Why did you think I wanted a divorce?"

—Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage.

"Why don't you want to fill it out?" [The survey]

—A human being can talk back or walk away.

["It's going to be cold the rest of the week."] "Why is that?"

—It staggers the imagination, doesn't it?

"Why don't you? Why don't you have one?"

—Not many people can do what they like to do.

"What you said really frightened me."

—What can I do to make you feel less frightened?

"Do you know what I mean?"

—Very slowly.

"Have you been saving any money?"

—You can't act like a ninny.

"I met you before."

—Don't ask me for my phone number!

"From another world."

—There's so many of them, though.

"Another robbery yesterday. Watch it!"

—That's all I need.

"Another day!"

"Did you come from a disadvantaged family, or were you born that way?"

—Is that good or bad?

"Let's see ... and your mother went to Wellesley?"

—That's the price of intelligence.

"We're calling to tell you you've won the Pulitzer Prize."

—It's bigger than miniature golf!

"Richard will celebrate by wearing underpants on his head."

—I don't do that stuff.

"You never do anything sexy."

—Have you seen Alfred Hitchcock's 1943, Shadow of a Doubt? You should see it!

"Richard, it's not sexy!"

—This is a horse of another color.

["It's going to be hot today!"] "Sexy weather."

—They can burn up as they go.

"I'm saving myself for you!"

—Between you and me, I wouldn't bother.

"And your research is based on what?"

—I'm not going to hell — I forgot! — I have a room.

"A supplemental activity?"

—At least you can see what people are like.

"You find it confusing bc it is whack. Just sayin."

—"No arts, no letters, no society, and which is worst of all, continual fear and danger of violent death, and the life of man solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short." –Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679)

"Well, it sounds like a noble cause."

—The only people who aren't shits like everyone else are Hitler, Napoleon, and Genghis Khan.

"Thank you, Rufus!"

—That's easy.

"You are a genius!"

—It'll turn around.