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ATTACKS
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BRIDGE
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SILENT BACKUP
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"Hey, what's going on, man?"
[Stranger challenging you]
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—How's that?
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—Let me see the other hand! ... unless you're a clipper or a thief.
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"HEY! WHAT'S THIS?" [Angrily]
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—Who's complaining?
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—Well, what about you?
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"This driver isn't first."
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—That's next.
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—You know, circus clowns can make a lot of money.
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"Are you calling me stupid?"
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—How's that?
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—It's not what track you're on, it's the engine! ... If you don't
like my apple, don't shake my tree ... You're barking up the wrong
tree!
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"Were you trying to make me feel stupid?"
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—How's that?
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—Get way away from it.
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"Hey, Baby!"
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—How's that?
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—What a rascal! ... What a scoundrel! ... Signing off! ...
What a guy, huh? ... This guy's got it, doesn't he? ... The business
elite ... Don't hit me! ... Okay, send it back! ... These
guys are sharpies, let me tell you, you don't want to talk to any of these
people, they're bad! ... "Torches of freedom!"... Maybe
they will ... It's like a poison hamburger; Wimpy used to eat them all
the time ... He's got a million of 'em ... You have no idea how
bad they are ... Eat it up, schmuck!
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"How are you feeling today?"
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—Who's complaining?
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—I should say so.
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"Hey, prune face!"
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—Totally destroyed.
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—Things I've never heard ... Very weird.
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"Hey, Mr. Self-defense Guy!"
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—That's next.
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—They want to live in the woods with no one to bother them ... Very
bland.
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"Hey! You owe me an apology."
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—How's that?
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—I'm sorry ... that you feel that way.
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[Tattletale not seeing you're performing a service (such
as returning a lost cell phone) for someone else ... who isn't defending
you! The one you're helping out should be saying, "You fool! Can't
you see he's doing this for me?" Both the one who's attacking you
and the one who isn't defending you are total idiots, and you're caught
inside an idiot sandwich!]
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—How's that?
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—What does an agent get, three percent or six percent?
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"Taking a break?"
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—That's next.
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—If you want more, you can buy them.
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"Were we rude?"
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—How's that?
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—Dogs don't care.
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"You were right; I was wrong! — A first
time for everything, though."
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—How's that?
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—Do you sneer at people who ask you what a fellowship is?
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"What's the problem?"
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—Who's complaining?
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—I've seen it all before – They get smaller
and smaller, right? – A lot of detail – The
worst is over, don't you think?
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"There's no view at the Red Caboose – The Riverview restaurant
is out on a pier."
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—That's next.
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—So there you go, and here are you.
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"There's a first time for everything."
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—That's next.
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—I'll put on my circus dress.
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"You are so bad! Bad, bad, bad, bad."
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—How's that?
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—There are two kinds of people: people who sit around in chairs,
and people who dance!
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"Who are you?"
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—Who's complaining?
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—The ultimate.
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"Maybe your roommate can help you get it published."
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—That's next.
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—If you don't underestimate me, I won't underestimate you.
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"There are only two places to get good food. One
of them is Berkeley, and one of them is France. And France
is only second to Berkeley."
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—How's that?
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—Who pays you to control the universe?
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"The Dartmouth game meant nothing to us —
Our big game was with Princeton."
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—That's next.
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—Good! What's wrong with that?
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"This is a great idea — You could get someone who really
knows pop culture to write it."
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—That's next.
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—Bob Dylan.
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"Your cousins better learn how to start acting
like millionaires."
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—That's next.
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—I hate those big bathtubs.
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"You better go to college and get a good job or
marry rich because you will never be lucky enough to have a trust account
and rich family like your mother."
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—Totally destroyed.
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—You can only find your dignity where you lost it.
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"Hello, Steve, how's the hotshot investor these
days?"
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—Who's complaining?
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—It's just money.
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"You break me up."
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—That's next.
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—What do you expect?
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"We want someone who can hit the ground running."
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—That's next.
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—You don't need qualifications in Silicon Valley — You
just have to be able to work!
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"I can't believe how stupid you are."
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—How's that?
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—Everybody is good at something, and sooner or later, it comes out.
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"Are her parents dead? – Are
her parents dead?" [Your adopted Chinese child]
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—How's that?
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—Hey! You're a beautiful human being ... Get into love! ...
That doesn't sound right ... What about the Pope? ... You
and the Pope ... Let her get back to reality ... These
midnight messages are spoiling her.
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"Do I look like a menacing guy?"
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—How's that?
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—I have news for you – I've never looked at you –
I've just looked at zebras – I'm from another planet.
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"Do I look like a hooker?"
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—How's that?
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—Very proper.
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"Do you think I act Calvinist?"
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—How's that?
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—As long as you're a living creature, you have to accept life as
a given.
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"I'm not a racist."
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—Who's complaining?
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—That'll be enough, I think.
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"I can't talk to you. I can't be friends with a racist.
That's just it."
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—How's that?
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—What's up? You look normal.
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"Certain people – You know who you are
– ...."
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—That's next.
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—The lowlifes of art go there.
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"I don't want you back anyhow." [Donald Duck
voice]
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—Totally destroyed.
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—My God! I thought I had it bad.
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"Ooo — Nicely coordinated outfit."
[Sarcastically]
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—Who's complaining?
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—What a life of pain you lead.
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"You do well when you dress in the dark."
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—Totally destroyed.
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—That's good to know — I think I'll fall down.
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"Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh?"
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—How's that?
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—If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave its ass and walk it
backwards.
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"Do you have your cab already?"
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—How's that?
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—Nobody cares.
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"Hey, you made everybody go away!"
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—Who's complaining?
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—It is mystifying.
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[Stuttering]
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—How's that?
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—You'll get over it.
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"Hey, Richard!"
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—That's next.
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—You're being abusive making me wait.
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"Do you want to watch TV tonight?"
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—How's that?
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—Reschedule me! — I can't wait more than half an hour.
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"I just want to pull it over and watch it while
I work on the computer."
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—Who's complaining?
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—It comes back.
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"What's this?"
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—That's next.
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—Good things come to those who wait.
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"What's up, buddy?"
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—Who's complaining?
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—Nothing deep.
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"What's wrong with that?"
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—Who's complaining?
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—You tell me.
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"I don't see what's so great about your owning
an Armani suit."
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—Who's complaining?
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—They know what they're doing.
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"What's wrong with Sacramento Street?"
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—That's next.
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—It's too bright! It's shining in my eyes.
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"What's that going to do to you?"
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—Who's complaining?
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—We have options.
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"What's in it for me?"
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—Who's complaining?
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—A three-dimensional granite block that says, "Business is
lousy."
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"What's the catch?"
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—How's that?
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—Wealth is not just about accumulation; wealth is determined by
how much you give.
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"What's it like to be gay?"
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—How's that?
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—I'm not gay — I'm morose.
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[Someone disparaging gays when you're gay]
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—How's that?
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—Don't fuck with my culture — No one should ever aggravate
me.
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"Your web site is verbal diarrhea. Search engines catch this shit
and spew computer screens all over the world. Please delete."
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—How's that?
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—Well, I'm a sadomasochistic polymorphous perverse necrophiliac.
I like to fuck dead senior citizens in the ear.
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"And I'm not going to let you inject me with the plague,
either."
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—How's that?
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—We've got a baby here.
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"Don't have a cow!"
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—How's that?
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—Who would?
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"Did anyone ask you not to bring your dog back
in here?"
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—Who's complaining?
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—They go everywhere.
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"Next time you decide to smoke a cigarette, you should consider
standing over there." [Pointing to another part of the open outdoor
patio]
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—How's that?
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—If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.
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"Now I have to walk all the way around."
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—That's next.
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—It's so easy, you won't believe it.
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"But I have asthma, and I can still smell your
smoke."
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—Who's complaining?
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—That's all it's good for.
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"Are you sure? I'm afraid you can never get the
girl."
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—How's that?
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[See Icarus
and the Gutter Snipe]
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"You are so full of shit, Maxine!"
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—How's that?
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—What happens when a man goes through his own portal?
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"Are you talking to me?"
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—How's that?
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—No big surprises.
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"What are friends for?" [Sarcastically]
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—How's that?
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—I didn't get anything.
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"You had an idea once, but it died of loneliness."
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—That's next.
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—Donuts are getting sophisticated.
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"I put a lot of time into trying to figure out your web site and
learn something but I find it more confusing than helpful. It is very
incoherent and you could probably use some professional
web site help as well as with the writing. That is, if you actually wish
to be helpful to people." [While it's true she spent an hour at taxi1010.com,
she never actually read the home page; I never know what to do when people
walk right into the middle of things and start complaining, pretending
I have all kinds of money. It kind of hurts my feelings. Actually, it
hurts my feelings a lot. –Richard.
Hmm. Maybe I could get an office as big as a pirate ship! –R.]
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—That's next.
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—What's going on? What did I do? I must be no good. No matter what
I do, it isn't good enough. Why didn't my parents try to get me to feel
worthwhile ... on my own? If they liked me, they would say I did something
well.
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"What are the rules for Moxie's
Disease?"
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—That's next.
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—Just do the best you can.
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"Are you trying to start a fight?"
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—How's that?
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—When you come from a big family, everything cuts.
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"What are you doing in this neck of the woods?"
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—Who's complaining?
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—Do you feel twice blessed?
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"How are you guys doing?"
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—Who's complaining?
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—Times haven't changed.
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"Now it's eighty-seven!"
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—Who's complaining?
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—Kids now! — Forget it!
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02-APR-1999. Today is Good Friday, and when I brought taxi 1010 through the
gas line at the end of my shift, a tall lanky fellow sauntered by my open window
and said, "How are you guys doing?"
That goes way back. I remember a waitress down in Neptune Beach, Florida, who
approached our table while my youngest sister and her daughters were settling
into the news that Mom was dying of Cancer. So the waitress, healthy as hell,
saunters up and says, "How are you guys
doing?"
Or back in the 'sixties, elevated by the Best Drugs, and the Best Liberal Arts
Education money could buy, a question like that sort of made sense. There'd
be syringes and geek books open to one page or another lying around. Someone
would saunter through the room and say, "How are you guys
doing?" It actually made sense.
I don't want to go on and on about this. When someone is about to rob you,
they'd be foolish to waste their time unless you have some money. They sort
of phony themselves up, pretending to be normal, and from the back seat of the
cab say, "How are you guys doing?"
That should ring bells — People don't usually pretend they're normal.
As you can imagine, when the lanky fellow sauntered by my open window back
here at the gas line, Good Friday and all, asking, "How are
you guys doing?" I sort of wondered what he was up to.
"Are you the night driver?" I finally asked.
It turns out that's exactly who he was, offering to drive me around to my car
after taxi 1010 went through the line. "Nah! Let's just switch when I pull
up to the pump," I said, and once there, as I was tipping the Mexican mechanic
for taking such good care of my cab, the night driver, looking directly over
my shoulder, cried out, "Now it's eighty-seven!"
I had to actually turn around and look at the posted sign to realize what the
hell he was talking about.
04-MAR-2008.
