"It's impressive."

—Rough landing! ... It takes a while to sink in ... The secret protects itself.

"Can I hold it a second?" [Your going-away trophy]

—I'll give you mine for nothing! ... Like I have for years ... That's another disease ... The Church – It's an insurance company that never pays – They just collect! ... If in the end, everyone dies, what is the wrong thing to say? ... Does globalization mean everyone's going to eat? ... Maybe my coffin ... You can't! ... It's the pennies that count!

"You don't know the first thing about guns."

—You know, you didn't give me any money ... I'm sorry, you're not giving me any money.

"We could go over there and ask him if he has three guns!"

—He realized on his way down that there was really only one thing wrong with his life, and that was, he had just jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge.

"Cutting me out of the loop?"

—Whatever they're up to, they accuse other people of.

"Keep me in the loop."

—Cheer up! – It always breaks.

"Do you have a friend? – Someone you talk to?"

—I'm on a narrow path. On one side of me is sleep, where a friend awaits. On the other side is the world of commerce, busy, busy, busy! Where the path leads is to my daddy of the past, who wanted to sleep, and my mommy of the past, who was busy, busy, busy!

"You've got writer's block."

—Shhh! ... I'm inside it.

"I'd ask you out if you had a more respectable job."

—Fresh carrots! ... Confers privilege ... There's nothing dumber than a professor ... You want a little house.

"What's the opposite of 'sublimation'?"

—What's the opposite of 'funny'?

"We try to be as dumb as you possibly can be." (–Robert Wolfe)

—Normal for a vampire.

"A written response to bullying."

—If their mind wasn't that way, would they treat other people that way?

"No matter what I say, you say the opposite."

—Nothing grows.

"Clever little bitch."

—Too many little things.

[Someone switching to another doorway when they see you coming]

—It's nicer in a way.

"Do you have a pen?" [Meaning the one in your breast pocket]

—You can only give help to someone who doesn't need help.

"Can I borrow your pen a minute there?"

—How did it get to that point? – How many people hide their treasure in the outhouse pit?

"Can I borrow it?"

—I don't know why.

"Can I just borrow your pen? For just a moment."

—That's like offering a drink to an alcoholic ... You're lucky I have will power.

"Can I borrow some money?"

—You caught me at a bad time.

"Hold still! Now turn around! Hold still!"

—I meant to do that.

"Hurry up!"

—Time out, mom! – I'm only a kid.

"Are you guilty of murdering your wife?"

—Some people can't ... It's impossible.

[Someone giving you a counterfeit bill, which you can't legally accept]

—Call the FBI.

"I've shown you mine, now let me see yours."

—You don't know how funny that sounds.

"Going somewhere like pubs and bars again to try a pickup? Why are you going there? These places are not suitable for you. You will be rejected."

[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]

"It has pictures of huge stone balls and penises jutting up from ancient statues."

—The Christians killed it.

"The law of existence demands uninterrupted killing ... So that the better may live." [–Jeff Weise, Red Lake High School shooter ... his favorite quote, which he attributed to Hitler]

—You mean don't go to school and kill people is breaking down?

"I'm starting to regret hanging around. I should have taken the razor blade express last time around. Well, whatever, man. Maybe they've got another shuttle comin' around sometime soon." [–Jeff Weise, Red Lake High School shooter]

—Just before you go to sleep, curse them all out in your head.

"I am prepared to fight and die for my cause. I, as a natural selector, will eliminate all who I see unfit, disgraces of human race and failures of natural selection." [Finnish high school shooter]

—Why is it bad to hate the world? Why is it bad to trip people and laugh? There's nothing wrong with being angry. There's nothing wrong with burning up. Try to realize.

"Go light a fart."

—They always want you to do something they can talk about.

[The secret finger every time they pass you "away from the office," in the form of a Hitler's mustache]

—That's what I think!

"You better hurry up and get it written or someone will beat you to the market."

—It's impossible to steal intellectual property because of the maintenance.

"You were too gracious when she said you hit the net."

—It was painful.

"Huh? What'd you say?"

—All gone!

"I can do anything I want – I could be President."

—You could do it with a sense of humor, too.

"Someone's going to win the Lottery – Just not you."

—NOW you tell me.

[Someone talking to you from the other side of a glass window]

—When we're right in the thick of things.

"Did you hear? – USA won the match!" [Someone telling you the score of the game before you've seen your videotape]

—You've done this before.

"What are you calling me?"

—Like an unfed baby.

"And who are you calling ignorant?"

—We don't know – It's all speculation.

"Are you calling me a liar?"

—The answer's, no!

"Who are you calling stupid?" [A History of Violence, 2005]

—Bad call, dad. You're wrong, dad.

"Well then, are you calling me a jerk?"

—If that's so, let me think about it.

[Bureaucrats haphazardly flouting their own rules]

—Who wants to stand in line to spend money?

[Someone with bad breath]

—I'm getting ready to leave, okay?

[Uproarious cackling]

—Theater.

"I was talking to my friend here."

—Thanks for telling me.

["Who's spending the night with you?"] "My friend."

—One nuttier than the last.

"I couldn't explain to your sister what you were going to do."

—You have it good – What are you worried about?

"Maybe you can explain what's so important that you have to do."

—What would happen if all these people had nothing to do and nowhere to go?

"Explain that one to me."

—I used to remember.

"Will you please explain what you are trying to teach here?"

—You'd die laughing.

"You could ALMOST start your own cult."

—I'm too young to do that alone.

"That's flattery."

—Oscar Wilde says, "Lying, the telling of beautiful untrue things, is the proper aim of art."

"Flattery will get you everywhere."

—When you give someone flowers in an exuberant way, you're making a gesture.