Rejection

Insults

Comebacks

"I guess I just expected you to use better judgment."

—It's devastating.
—Your parents had a very strange conception of life.

"Your bullshit is extremely good today."

—You're strong.
—I'll send it to you.

"I'm a businessman."

—Can't fail.
—Look for the silver lining.

"You must be a fan of the 'Whole Language' article in today's Journal."

—Anything new?
—It fell off a truck, right?

"Do you know UNIX?"

—Of course!
—But the King has a couple more in the harem.

"What do you know about UNIX?"

—Anything new?
—It's really developed.

"You just haven't had the experience."

—Anything new?
—There's no way to know.

[Start at
the top]

"Have you had any Windows experience?"

—Of course!
—It's reaching absurd proportions, isn't it?

["I love you."] "You can't!"

—Even greater!
—All over the world.

["I love you."] "How embarrassing."

—Spooky, huh?
—Who isn't and so what?

["What country are you from?"] "We're from overseas."

—Far better!
—You're on the run.

"I won't dignify that with a response."

—Not bad.
—Easy the hard way.

"So, this is your business card?" [Dubiously]

—Not bad.
—It is an interesting problem — being taught to be a child, being afraid to be grown-up.

[Someone repeating what you just said, word for word, in an incredulous tone of voice]

—Not bad.
—You don't know the half of it.

[Start at
the top]

"You're a writer?" [Sneering in disbelief]

—Not bad.
—But of course it's against the rules to help a child.

"Here — I'll give you your card back."

—Far better!
—Are you trying to cheat me?

[Someone refusing your business card]

—Far better!
—It really is scary, you know?

[The silent treatment]

—More so!
—That's one way to do it.

"I wasn't talking to you."

—I'll bet.
—I'm not alone.

"I was talking to my friend here."

—Another one!
—Thanks for telling me.

"Here! Make yourself useful."

—I'll bet.
—The call of the wild.

[Start at
the top]

Oh, you know, we've had you before."

—Before everything!
—No exaggeration!

"I'd tell you the real scoop, but you really don't want to know."

—We'll manage.
—You can't be cheated out of nothing, can you?

"I hate walking down the street with you — It's so embarrassing."

—Much worse!
—Looking for fudge in all the wrong places.

"Is it expensive?"

—So WHAT?
—It's cheap compared to pennies ... They have even cheaper ones.

"Oh, my God! — That place is way too expensive."

—So WHAT?
—Too bad freedom is not a family value.

"Get away! — You bother me, kid."

—But better.
—If this was fairy-tale land, the sky would have fallen already.

[Start at
the top]

"Grow up!"

—Without changing.
—And have a sense of humor about it!

"Weird."

—Far better!
—You mean, like an exotic flower in the jungle?

["Boys make passes at girls who where glasses."] "What about girls who don't wear glasses? – They get lonely, too."

—At least.
—You're ahead of most people.

"Mr. Scott, for his part, shows a borderline creepy fondness for filming [little girls] in bathing suits."

—Too dangerous.
—Don't twist it too much.

"He is a man of splendid capabilities, but utterly corrupt. Like rotten mackerel by moonlight, he shines and stinks." [–John Randolph of Virginia, of Edward Livingston of New York, at the turn of the 18th Century]

—It's criminal.
—My monster.

"We can't take you anywhere in public."

—Too dangerous.
—What a drag.

[Start at
the top]

"Can I buy your tie?"

—Worse yet.
—It's better than a degree from Harvard.

[Yawn!]

—No doubt.
—Wears you out, huh?

[Belch!]

—TOO BAD!
—Bring that up at the next meeting!

[Belch symphony]

—Where else?
—Now, here's this!

[Belch chorus]

—TOO BAD!
—The sound of the fisherman.

[Belch finale]

—Where else?
—Years of experience.

[Someone not taking your offered handshake]

—All along.
—Hard times.

[Start at
the top]

[Spit!]

—Better off.
—Out of the darkness and into the light.

[Spit redux]

—That's all?
—One spit leads to another.

[Spit over and beyond the call of duty]

—Better off.
—Your cup runneth over.

"That's debatable."

—And furthermore!
—It's better.

"You're the boss."

—And furthermore!
—What you do with yourself is up to you.

[Tongue stuck out]

—Getting sophisticated.
—I don't think you have to do that.

"I HATE YOU!"

—So WHAT?
—You can laugh.

[Start at
the top]

"You're too old."

—Very advanced.
—It's not weird enough for me yet!

"Never get old!"

—Not forever.
—I might be an actor — You don't have to do anything.

"Older than dirt!"

—Very advanced.
—The people who try to be good always get into trouble.

"This guy draws like I did when I was seven."

—Very advanced.
—Glad to see you grew out of it.

See also,
Self-Attack

"You're right — I'm wrong."

—That's different.
—Why should you be?

"All these seats are saved."

—Well said.
—That's what happens.

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"

—Don't worry.
—A sense of humor helps.

[Start at
the top]

"You're fired!"

—Anything else?
—Don't trust your relatives!

"Never mind! — Never mind!"

—That's all?
—So?

"No!"

—Close enough.
—A little goes a long way.

"Who cares?"

—Maybe more.
—Some people ... Try harder! ... Not you! ... Nothing is bad, really.

"You're so weird."

—Small world.
—It takes one to know one!

[Someone blocking your e-mail]

—Just wait!
—It's good to have a little trouble, too — It smartens you up.

[Start at
the top]

"Your submitted site has been rejected because of language. The following words were found which rejected this site: (asshole) Remove the words that rejected the site and resubmit it."

—Au contraire.
—Whatever it changes to, (shit) will come out (If it's an asshole!)

"You are not approved for membership in the club."

—Au contraire.
—It's a hard thing to be subject to the review of others.

"Dear Richard Hart, Thanks for sending MIND CANDY. I am sorry to report that the project is not right for Chronicle Books. Good luck with another publisher. Best wishes, Steve Mockus, Associate Editor."

—Sure, Jack!
—They want to be able to control their destiny.

"We don't feel your work is up to our standards."

—That's DRASTIC.
—What about boys who don't have fathers?

"Sorry, your site is NOT APPROVED. Try another WebRing ... Good luck, ART NETWORK"

—That's DRASTIC.
—I am such, that a person like that hates me.

"I just don't think we're compatible."

—It's maddening.
—Traditionally, culturally, and your parents.

"That's the way the cookie crumbles."

—How delicate.
—Look in the oven.

"This isn't working; you're not my type."

—How delicate.
—Can't you do anything wrong?

[Start at
the top]

["Maybe I should go."] "I think that's best."

—How delicate.
—What do they have? Nothing! Just a mountain of bills.

"We feel the time has come for you to have graduated." [Having overstayed your welcome at a Christian Japanese Church]

—How delicate.
—That's the dead hand of the Church — I don't have time for unhappy people.

"I don't go out with boys."

—Much worse!
—They take your life away, don't they?

"I'm sure you'll find plenty of other girls out there, so ...."

—Much worse!
—What a way to go!

"Have fun." [From a pretty girl, this can be a form of rejection]

—Nothing unique.
—We'll see, won't we?

"What do you mean by commitment?"

—Anything new?
—Casablanca, Gone with the Wind, Doctor Zhivago.

"Maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while."

—Not forever.
—What's wrong with being yourself?

"I don't want to see you anymore."

—Big surprise.
—Aren't I lucky to be a wreck?

"I don't want to be married anymore."

—How exotic.
—You have more fun.

["Who's spending the night with you?"] "My friend."

—Another one!
—One nuttier than the last.

[Start at
the top]

"You're really sweet. I enjoyed tonight, too. But you know, we both have our lives."

—Wild moments.
—Someone nice gave me that.

"I already have a boyfriend."

—See that?
—Does it cost anything?

"Don't be getting any ideas."

—Very strict.
—You could have two.