"Now you'll do my house!"

—Sure! Why not? I'm an artist, and I know what's important.

"Yo, baby, I want to drink your bath water!"

—Do they deliver?

"Honey, your mom sent me to pick you up."

—What's the password?

"Honey, you have to come with me."

—I'll do anything you like, or see that it gets done, as long as you put it in writing and sign your name to it.

"Please, come over here."

—I've got a nose to pick with you.

"It's an emergency."

—There's a pack of electric little phony girls.

"Hey, you! Come here!"

—What about loafing?

"Come over here!"

—Enough already!

"Do you have a pen in your purse?"

—Someone must ... Find a dog!

"Just answer my question." (–James Fallows, The New York Times, June 12, 2005)

—You're one in a million – You're very thorough.

"Freeze!"

—Did anyone yell out, "I wonder why?"

"Hey, man, gimme five dollars." [An initiation-style robbery, perhaps leading to your pain, injury or death]

—Well, wait a minute! – You may be in a hurry, but I'm not – You're not the worst one anymore.

"Give me your purse! ... Give me your wallet! ... That's right, there ... That's what I'm talking about!"

—The best way is don't [respond to things] ... That's it ... You had your thrill ... They probably shoot neighbors there when they're sick ... Forget it! ... Don't go to college; it's a waste of time ... Here's a twenty: Put it in your pocket ... That's WASP therapy! [hunting, shooting out the window of the cabin] ... You have to be on the lookout.

"Is there another front entrance? ... I want to save him the trip of coming down." [Stranger at your apartment building, waiting for you to open the door]

—Let's wait ... Hold it, hold it, hold it ... Everything takes longer than you expect.

"How do you keep a moron in suspense?"

—After many a summer, dies the swan.

"IT'S A RED LIGHT, BABY!"

—THEN WAIT!

"Instead of saving up for two years, you'd have to save up for five years." [To fly on the Concorde]

—Wait then!

[Someone coming into your classroom with a gun]

—On the count of three! One, two, three! ... Geronimo! [Everyone in the class throw your pens, pencils, used needles, knapsacks, and textbooks at the guy, gang tackle his arms and legs, and pounce upon him like a bunch of crazed Chinamen ... then go get your teacher, who probably jumped out the window]

"Age before beauty!"

—Health before illness!

"Jack it up – Get better stuff." [From the Iraqi detainees]

—Let 'em fuck the electric fences – What do we care?

"Did any potential terrorist just buy an airplane ticket?"

—Looks like me!

"How strong is the new evidence of nuclear programs in Country X?"

—Don't forget to breathe!

"How has California's standing among states in per-student school funds changed since the 1960's?"

—You're the most wonderful man I've ever met.

"What's it like to have the body of a ten-year-old boy?"

—A frail little person.

"This is our best opportunity to get equipment money from the dean, and adding these things [to your formal requisition] won't affect your getting the equipment you actually need." [A fraudulent request to slip in a few extra items]

—It's that first request to kill a guy that keeps so many people from joining organized crime – We can add a supplementary list of items you consider invaluable to the department – An honest document should satisfy the chairman. (–Randy Cohen in The New York Times, October 21, 2003)

[A group of people standing behind your chair in a bar or restaurant, occasionally bumping into you, or kicking your chair]

[Don't say anything at all to the people; talk to the manager, who is supposed to call the police or do something; if you have any confrontation at all with the people, they're likely to wait and settle it, outside the restaurant; do what a gangster would do, which is nothing] "Behind the morning glories, behind the arbor, behind the falling fence ..."

"Wow! What a cute couple! Coming in to do the laundry together!"

—Too advanced?

[Someone making bedroom eyes at your girlfriend]

—One day you can have one of your own.

"Stop asking these newbie questions. Makes you look like a moron."

—Under what circumstances? When you take your gun out and say, "Your money or your life!" — ? ... How could you be so smart? ... Kids think they're bad already ... Well, who are you, Sister Teresa?

"Your wife is my whore."

—So what do you think of people who see God's asshole?

"Anything for you!"

—Every dog has its day.

"I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to have anything to do with you."

—I don't want anything good.

"You never finish anything."

—Someone trying to do what no one else ever did is a little strange.

"You never do anything right."

—You don't even have to do anything right.

"You must think forty of fifty grand is nothing."

—No many how many times my parents point out my shortcomings, I fail to see them.

"Why is it exponentially better?"

—Even lower than that.

["Joe Lieberman was our high school class president."] "Did you check your wallet after that?"

—Some are under my bed.

"Will you watch my purse?"

—It's the only one I've ever seen.

"What about people who blow themselves up to go to heaven?"

—It wasn't everything ... That's at least real ... You don't know what kind of families they had.

"I just think people should think for themselves."

—Why can't people help each other?

"Do you think it's fair for me to wait FOREVER?"

—It would still be worth it!

"I haven't eaten all day, my God!"

—Over and over again.

"Over my dead body!"

—Let us remember people while they're alive.

"It's so funny, every time I read it, I peed in my pants."

—I have to go rescue my friends now.

"I'm going to take a poop."

—As the world turns!

"Jump!" [You're on a rooftop]

—If you find my mind, don't tell me! ... Am I losing my mind?

"Are you playing with yourself?"

—It's dangerous not to like yourself, because you're the best friend you have.

"I've turned into the kind of person I'd never be friends with."

—"Be!" –Plato; "Do!" –Aristotle; "Do-be! Do-be! Do!" –Sinatra.

"Dear Richard Hart, Thanks for sending MIND CANDY. I am sorry to report that the project is not right for Chronicle Books. Good luck with another publisher. Best wishes, Steve Mockus, Associate Editor."

—They want to be able to control their destiny.

[Someone blocking your e-mail]

—It's good to have a little trouble, too — It smartens you up.

"We don't feel your work is up to our standards."

—What about boys who don't have fathers?

"Sorry, your site is NOT APPROVED. Try another WebRing ... Good luck, ART NETWORK"

—I am such, that a person like that hates me.