[An impostor asking you a question when they already know the answer (It's just an expression of hatred)]

—I would have known the answer to that if you hadn't asked me.

"Are you the Night Cabbie?" [Weekly columnist for the Examiner]

—No, no, no — I didn't sign up for that.

"Never go shopping when you're hungry."

—It's very hard to sit back and watch someone suffering.

"Slow as molasses."

—That's what saves me.

"Do you have to take up the entire aisle?"

—I'm right there with you.

"My cab Lux 994 is currently top of the line with leather seats, lumbar control, newspaper in the rear seat pocket compartment and the amazing Luxor sound system."

—Delirious!

"Doing reality checks during my day shift I often talk with the passengers about Molly Ivins, the concentration of wealth (although according to the lamas you have to pray for the rich bastards too) the lack of national health insurance, Lester Thurow and Jeremy Rifkin."

—I'm just in the mood to do nothing.

"Hopefully there is some benefit in this two-way street which I don't dominate more than I have to to be a mirror that reflects society."

—It's amazing how much there is to do, huh?

"Coming back with fancy retorts is not my style unless I think at that moment that it will benefit beings."

—That was my interpretation.

"I find your site a step in the direction I want to go, but do not know how to read it."

—There's a solution to everything.

"There is no quality control on the Web, and there isn't likely to be any. Unlike libraries where vanity press publications are rarely, if ever, collected, vanity is often what drives the Internet. Any fool can put up anything on the Web, and, to my accounting, all have." (–Mark Y. Herring, "10 Reasons Why the Internet Is No Substitute for a Library," American Libraries, April 2001, pp. 76Ð78)

—But not us.

"Oh, sure! I love feeling like a small fish in a big pond."

—Next you'll tell me you have a friend who's a chocolate fish.

"Unless you know what you're talking about, SHUT UP!"

—So what if people laugh at you?

"I'm honored, I think."

—I'm just preparing you, okay?

"I can rely on you to be early."

—We are both very foolish.

"Son-of-a-BITCH!" [From a pedestrian you almost ran over]

—Who isn't?

"I wasn't talking to you."

—I'm not alone.

"Friendly is not the same thing as friends."

—Think of it more as a stepping stone.

"Do you have any friends?"

—They wear you out, don't they?

"I can't understand why you don't have many friends — you're so interesting."

—I'll have to get some more!

"I'm indecisive today."

—I'm secretly ironic.

"I know you hate all my friends." [Spoken in front of them]

—It's only a few, right?

"Well, you said you did."

—Overnight.

"I JUST SAID IT!"

—What did I say? ... All mental illness is a certain kind of tension, and all mental health is a certain kind of ease.

["Where are you from?" "Detroit."] "That's right ... You said that."

—I spoke too soon.

"You said I was crazy."

—And everything's nailed down, I suppose.

"She said you were totally rude and unprofessional."

—There's always a certain percentage.

"Your friends just don't make it."

—All happiness is earned.

"Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?"

—Gone crazy, back soon!

"You messed up again."

—You know I want my work perfect.

"Are you innocent?"

—Like most people.

"That was like a scene from All in the Family — Do it again! — Say what you said."

—That isn't the real me — You do it!

"There's the evil laugh again."

—That shouldn't make you feel bad.

"It's you again?"

—You called?

"We can't continue to take a bath in this." [From a scary executive who stonewalls and rarely gives an inch]

—I think everyone sees that.

"Hominabie foramchi bogude wallawalla abadada!" [From a passing street person, talking in tongues]

—No nonsense!

"I bet you get in lots of trouble, don't you?"

—You don't need that.

"So now you're famous."

—The smells of Oscar Wilde.

"You know the other day when Achilles was having that thing done to him at the vet?"

—They never show that on the news.

"Paris was really making a commotion."

—Didn't anyone ever hear the expression, "When pigs have wings?"

"He woke me up at seven howling and carrying on until nine-thirty when I left."

—It's hard to shake off.

"Well, Richard, that's where you and I differ."

—An artist is never poor.

"She likes Kenny G ... he's not my cup of tea ... but what kind of man would I be ... to let Kenny G ... come between her and me?"

—You better watch it, too! ... Everything bad to do.

"I don't like fluff."

—For real.

"Nice breeze."

—It's fantastic.

"Find a mess and you'll find Jeanette."

—An art lover.

"I was mortified!"

—See if you can step back a little.

"At the risk of repeating myself."

—It causes baldness and lack of mirth.

"Back for thirds?"

—Best ever.

"Your Japanese must be useful."

—Heard all over the world.

"Where are you going to advertise?"

—You'll see it.

"I was going to ask if I could get that spot."

—Later.

"Crapweasels make menace!"

—Six months old, everyone's nice.

"Maybe someone will adopt you."

—Don't count on it.

[A child who is getting too physical with you]

—Give me a kiss!

"What are you doing, holding up the wall?"

—People tend to be afraid of what they don't understand.

"Here! Make yourself useful."

—The call of the wild.

"You're always running away."

—That's a good thing not to do.

"Just take it away." [From a thoroughly miserable customer – the chief of police – who's been giving you a hard time]

—You are reminding me of the dessert course.

"Robbie started it — I didn't do anything!"

—If you treat your brother like that, you'll never get a good husband.

"Has the movie started?" [Someone behind you in the movie theater, after you've told the disturbingly loud women, with him, to shut up]

—That's suffering quietly.

"Don't get me started."

—To the stars?

"Aw, shut up."

—That's dangerous.

"Aw, blow it out your ass!"

—This is dangerous, too, for the dog.

"You're stressing me out so much I can't think straight."

—Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again!