"Look what the cat dragged in."

—Don't eat anything you like.

"Hey, you're late!"

—Better than playing with yourself in public.

"When is your next appointment?"

—I don't want you to lose sleep.

"Tyler, it's your boyfriend!" [on the telephone]

—There's no one else for that.

"Oh, yes ... Who is the new science editor of The New York Times, that twerpy little girl in short skirts?" (Cornelia Dean)

—Oh, silky hair.

[Someone trying to make you the butt of their joke]

—I really don't want to step on your toes.

"You know the difference between an asshole and a rectum? You can put your arm around an asshole." [Putting his arm around your shoulders]

—You're angry at your mother for not feeding you — That's what everyone's angry at.

"Why is it late?"

—We're doing the best we can.

"You're a little late." [Catching you by surprise]

—It depends on your plan.

"You're late!"

—Even if it isn't true.

"Why are you late?"

—It shortens the day.

"Then why did you come in so late?"

—It's in the contract — Small print.

"Good morning; you're late."

—I'm going to appoint you to be the timekeeper.

"You're late today ... What's going on?"

—It's a strain.

"So you're late today, huh?"

—Look at the other side ... I promise that my timeliness will be surpassed only by my passion for quality ... Let me drop everything and work on your problem ... It's better than it was, you've got to admit it ... Always late but worth the wait ... Fashionably late ... There is no deeper way than this ... Living life with no sense of time ... "It gets late early out here." (–Lawrence Peter (Yogi) Berra) ... I think we could stretch this out a couple of months ... Yassle, yassle, time is fleeting! ... Time flies when you're goofing off ... Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once ... I have no sense of time ... It's invisible ... so everyone sees it differently ... "Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." (–George Carlin) ... My sense of time ... Hell, I'm a week behind ... I must have picked the wrong season to have come down ... I didn't realize this was sacred ground ... Is it late yet?

"You're here late."

—It's getting later!

"Why I shouldn't be late."

—You can't stop people from making money.

"Good morning – You're late!"

—It's not early for me.

"Richard, we're too late!"

—If other people do it, it must stink! ... My golden rule.

"So why were you late?"

—I'm a work in progress.

"Well, why were you late?"

—Every reason!

"You're late!" [from the office bully]

—Everything you thought about High School is true for eternity.

"Aren't you late?"

—On borrowed time.

"I can't believe you're fifteen minutes late!"

—You don't have to believe it if you don't want to.

"I waited for you — You're late!"

—Does it hurt your feelings?

"What did you expect me to do while I was waiting?"

—Did you know Indians used to put their ear on the railroad track to hear if the train was coming?

"Look who just showed up — You're late!"

—That's everyone's trouble — They don't know the difference between then and now.

"Aren't you late for the meeting?"

—No, I'm early for the next one.

"Are you playing with me? — How come you're late?"

—Not playing while you have diarrhea!

"I tried to phone you."

—Why were you early?

—That's interesting to see, isn't it?

—Can you believe it?

"Here—Buy yourself a wig."

—Do you know that's ALL some people have?

"Are you a beginner?"

—The devil is in the details.

"Tu es un retard dans la tête." [Fr: "You're late in the head."]

—I'll meet with you next Wednesday and let you know.

"I believe it has something to do with avoiding a fight by confusing your opponent via saying random things."

—You're not supposed to bleed; you're not supposed to feel bad; people have a right to know what's inside them, what's bothering them.

"I'm brain-dead at this point."

—You're working very hard at a thankless job.

"It's frustrating."

—The best is yet to come.

"You're overdressed."

—Thank you for dropping by.

"Let me see that!"

—Get tough!

"Why did you let me do it?"

—That's the danger of a strong person — You can do anything!

"Come and stand in the front of the class and pull up your dress."

—I'm going to build a good case! Cutty Sark!

"Show me what you're reading!"

—It's WORSE if you just go along with the herd.

"They're all criminals."

—Well, you're looking at one.

"Listen, darling, if you want to look like a slapper and a whore and dress like a tart, it's up to you, but don't expect me to do it, too." (–Yvonne Ridley)

—Because nobody cares – Of course! No one wants that – What do we care?

"Can I buy your tie?"

—It's better than a degree from Harvard.

"Lose the tie!"

—The world isn't ready.

"You're late."

—No, I'm right on time.

"Protecting your ass, huh?"

—A dull cog in the machinery of life.