Boredom

Insults

Comebacks

"What's up?"

—Just anything!
—Big trouble! ... Who's complaining? ... You're a brick! ... Break up, hook up, burn up, lock up, hurry up! Seven-up! ... Overlap it a little ... Cheer up! ... Different things ... You're next up, cutup! ... Holy Cow! ... It's a riddle ... ["Something smells like an up-john!" "What's an up-john?" "Nothin'! How're you doin'?"] ... The jig is up! ... Thumb's up! ... A joke! ... Really weird, huh? ... Ugly Poop! ... Nothing deep ... Nothing simple ... Nothing much ... Nothing special ... Just anything! ... Nobody knows ... As it is written, so it shall be done ... Think big!

"Hey, man, what's up?"

—Just anything!
—Because you're smart.

"What's up, buddy?"

—Who's complaining?
—Nothing deep.

"What are you writing?"

—That's extra!
—They cost too much — I'm waiting for the price to come down.

"How many days do you drive?"

—Never stop.
—Now we're going to get into money!

They try to
castrate your
intelligence

"What's your average monthly electric bill?"

—Who knows?
—(a.) If it doesn't kill you, don't remember it – (b.) Don't remember anything that doesn't kill you! – (c.) Don't remember anything that doesn't mean anything!

with the
mundane.

"What time did you start today?"

—Never stop.
—Day is night and night is day.

"How are sales these days?"

—At best.
—Time will tell.

"Have you been saving any money?"

—Go on!
—You can't act like a ninny.

[Start at
the top]

"Do you have money to burn?"

—Far better!
—That's what brings success in life, is being good to yourself.

"How much money do you get each month for that shield?"

—Nothing much.
—We don't mention vagaries.

"So they pay you eighteen hundred?"

—Just about.
—They just nickel and dime you to death.

"Was I right about the shield? I'm right about this, too."

—Just about.
—Do you want to rent it from me?

[Start at
the top]

"How much did you pay for that?"

—CAN'T SAY!
—One of the more useless things on this earth.

"Do you know what it's worth?"

—Far better!
—There's more valuable things than money or tools.

"You still haven't answered the question."

—Very mysterious.
—I want you to know it has nothing to do with what's going on.

"Yeah, but I got to pay more for my computer than you did."

—Well, sure!
—Anyone does.

"How long? How long before you make a million?"

—That'll help.
—It's like making a kid kiss the dead people.

"So how do you make money off of that?"

—It's easy.
—Sometimes you spend a lot of money to make a lot of money.

[Start at
the top]

"Do you make any money from it?" [The website]

—It's easy.
—What do you care? — You're rich!

"How do you make money?"

—That'll help.
—It's the first business that never made any money — since the Church!

"When's it gonna make any money?"

—That'll help.
—Don't worry about it.

"How much did it cost?"

—Very mysterious.
—Whatever you do, don't buy any race horses.

"Did you pay for it?"

—Very mysterious.
—There's more to life than counting money.

"How can you be so detached?"

—It's easy.
—When you move to California, everything looks real.

[Start at
the top]

"There's a lot of money in that."

—That'll help.
—It's more prestige than money.

"There's a lot of money in there." [Your recipe]

—That'll help.
—Why should everything have to be easy?

[Someone going on and on about the prices of things]

—It's insane.
—That's something to think about.

"Do you ever sell your art?"

—Thank you!
—If we can.

"How much do people pay for rent around here?"

—Don't worry.
—I don't think it matters ... Maybe you don't have to know any of that.

"How much do YOU pay for rent?"

—Don't worry.
—You can't move in!

"How much rent do you pay?"

—Don't worry.
—You don't even have to be there ... Never buy horses!

[Start at
the top]

"Virginia, why don't you get that?" [Rotating European toilet seat]

—Anything else?
—It would be criminal to waste my life that way.

"Don't you want to buy one?"

—Don't worry.
—You can get away with anything when you're old.

"Did you buy it new?"

—Doesn't matter.
—You don't need anything.

"You bought it used?"

—Doesn't matter.
—More money to manage, huh?

"Why don't you sell your house and buy a house together?"

—Anything else?
—How could someone live a whole life and only know one thing? – Say no more! – I forbid you to talk about my property.

"If you don't mind my asking, how much do you make in a year from a taxi medallion?"

—Don't worry.
—It all depends how angry you are.

[Start at
the top]

"Is it expensive? What do you have to pay for an apartment?"

—Don't worry.
—Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

"What year is that?" [Your car, asked by a bum at a gas station, getting ready to ask you for money]

—Everything changes.
—This is my high-water mark.

"How much you pay for this car?"

—Beautiful, huh?
—You get a good deal on this one.

"You paid for it?"

—Very mysterious.
—You can't just count money twenty-four hours a day.

"They shut it down because you don't pay the bill?" [The phone line is down, and the repair people aren't going to come for a week]

—You're kidding!
—What is this, Night Court?

"Will it ever get easier?"

—Very mysterious.
—Could you do it for me? I'm an MBA.

[Start at
the top]

"How much do you pay for gates?"

—Very mysterious.
—I can't reach that level of functioning.

"Did you have to pay for it?"

—Not even.
—I used to think you were Irish.

"You get paid for this?"

—Very mysterious.
—Sooner or later everyone has to light a fire under their own stove.

"How much do you pay him, one or two dollars?"

—Don't worry.
—I've decided I'm never going to talk about money, and I'm never going to hear about it – Gee, that's really great.

"That's all right — It's only two dollars."

—Anything else?
—Like a buried treasure that never loses its luster.

"And by the way, it's going to cost you seventy-five dollars to replace that ticket."

—Anything else?
—I'll bet you!

[Start at
the top]

"Go ahead and do it! You've got the money."

—Very mysterious.
—We don't need it at all.

"What kind of car do you have now?"

—Don't worry.
—I'm in charge of it — You don't have to worry anymore.

"You only have a million."

—Don't worry.
—The blues will make you happy, too.

"What happened to that other woman?"

—Nothing drastic.
—She's so natural — She's a real natural! — She's so happy!

"What happened to the weekend?"

—It's better.
—One a week is nice, though.

"Did it rain over the weekend?"

—It's better.
—Everything that happens, it's better.

"Is it going to rain today?"

—We'll see.
—No one really knows.

[Start at
the top]

"How long is this rain supposed to last?"

—It's better.
—This is just the beginning.

"It's just like San Francisco – too much rain!"

—We'll see.
—It's very hard to take.

"So what's the weather going to be this weekend?"

—We'll see.
—They never know.

"What about tomorrow?"

—We'll see.
—It all depends.

"It stopped raining."

—Doesn't count.
—Tomorrow it'll snow.

"Great weather!"

—Doesn't count.
—Prosperity is just around the corner.

[Start at
the top]

"What's the weather been like?"

—Doesn't count.
—I don't really think it means too much. Today is not as bad as yesterday. Tomorrow's going to be even nicer. It's going to get a lot worse, but who cares?

"Taking the dogs for a ride?"

—Afraid not.
—Always hopeful.

"Are we having fun yet?"

—Anything new?
—You can't miss.

"Having fun?"

—Can't fail.
—Better than chocolate!

"You taking him to the Bay?"

—Completely different.
—I can imagine.

"What's happening, bro'?"

—Anything new?
—One thing after another.

[Start at
the top]

"Our computer is down."

—I'm sure.
—Thwarted again!

"I was just asking if you know how to use the computer."

—Spare me!
—You can ease off a little.

"Yada, yada, yada!"

—Nothing unique.
—The crazier it is, the better.

"There you go! — Building up your résumé."

—Watch out!
—You're holding up the corner nicely.

"What is your five-year goal with the company?"

—Really dark.
—In the short run you're just whacking away, but in the long run you're learning things.

"So what did you do on your day off?"

—Well, maybe!
—I'll have to see it first.

[Start at
the top]

"How'd it go with our acquisition management?"

—Anything new?
—I know you're not interested in money.

"Do you have Thursday off?"

—Mostly that.
—You can go a long time; it's not that bad.

"You're taking the day off today?"

—That's possible.
—Gourmet dinner.

"What are you going to do tonight?"

—Hidden away.
—Very mysterious.

"Is it expensive?"

—So WHAT?
—It's cheap compared to pennies ... They have even cheaper ones.

"Oh, no! Don't say that!"

—That's all?
—You needn't make excuses.

[Start at
the top]

"What do you mean by commitment?"

—Anything new?
—Casablanca, Gone with the Wind, Doctor Zhivago.

"Oh, my God! — That place is way too expensive."

—So WHAT?
—Too bad freedom is not a family value.

"If you buy tomato paste in a can, you're crazy!"

—So WHAT?
—Want my advice? Go bowling.

"I'm a businessman."

—Can't fail.
—Look for the silver lining.

"That's Julie Brown."

—Well, okay!
—You can tell.

"Julie Brown, did she ever go places!"

—NOTHING LESS!
—You just go step by step.

[Start at
the top]

"That's Ben Kingsley."

—Well, okay!
—Living history.

[Name dropping]

—Well, okay!
—Impressive, huh?

"Two of the cutest girls on the entire planet!"

—NOTHING LESS!
—One of these days I'll get one.

"She's got a great ass!"

—Well, maybe!
—Just a little.

"This is just one of those days."

—Nothing drastic.
—You can't tell is she's Eve, the apple, or the snake.

[Start at
the top]

"How was your week?"

—Just normal.
—It's coming back.

"I'm off next week."

—Must you?
—Maybe that's your secret plan.

"Do you have a minute for the environment?"

—I'm waiting.
—No, no . . . I give my money to the American Friends – They give money to everyone.

"How much do they pay you a month for one of those?"

—That's changing.
—I'll have my money guy call your money guy – Who's your accountant?

"Let me call you sometime, and we'll get together."

—Not yet.
—Who's your social secretary? – For advanced plans.

"Can I buy a cigarette from you?"

—Not yet.
—Sometimes you run out of paper.