"Is there a problem with my corned beef hash & eggs?"

—It can't be helped ... We're doing the best we can ... Preparation is everything ... Just one of those days ... Only one thing at a time, right? ... All in good time.

"This Merlot, 1982, makes me unhappy."

—Please accept my apologies ... Next time I'll know that.

"My crab is not cracked – I WANT MY CRAB CRACKED! – I WANT MY CRAB CRACKED!"

—I think it's easy to tell ... I don't think it's easy to tell ... That's why they go to Church ... They're total rats.

"CAN I HAVE MY DECAF COFFEE NOW?"

—You were cheated ... from pursuing happiness ... Nobody likes that.

"Do you have this in a bottle? I'd rather have this in a bottle." [Sending back a glass of beer] "... Can I have an empty glass?"

—Maybe we can switch it – Let's try that – I don't mind – What's the difference? – You are a very good person – I must commend you.

"Sorry I don't have any tip money for you today."

—Nothing to worry about ... There might be a reason ... It's out of the question ... Let's leave that door closed.

"In theory? In reality as well."

—That's part of your commitment to excellence?

["I just want to make sure you have my forms."] "Oh, I don't recall; I don't recall ... Did you make a copy? ... Make sure you make copies!" [Required paperwork you turned in the first day of class, which they somehow lost]

—That helps a lot ... There used to be one ... First time is your major; just knocking them out is your minor ... Nobody makes it alone, nobody! ... I'll put everyone on it ... Next course!

"Race doesn't matter."

—Then you feel you're losing things, and that's no good!

"That's not an issue."

—It's just knowing what to do and how to do it.

"Do you have a penny?" [Ambushing you outside the restaurant]

—Clever, huh?

"You have a penny, Sir?"

—Just waiting ... And more! ... Not for you ... How are you going to make a living doing that?

"I wouldn't mind one of those twenties!"

—Very unique.

"Don't stab me in the back."

—Taste good today? ... How might I help? ... Is everything prepared all right? ... It's my pleasure.

"Let's leave a really big tip."

—I assure you I spend every cent I get – I get rid of it!

"You don't need a tip?"

—You don't have to – Save it for a rainy day.

"What year is that?" [Your car, asked by a bum at a gas station, getting ready to ask you for money]

—This is my high-water mark.

"What year did you graduate in the field you're teaching?"

—There are two kinds of graduate students: one kind works in a factory for the summer; another kind is sent to Europe by their parents ... total spoiled rats ... Let other people talk big ... I'm not going to put up with brats, or Nazis, or assholes ... Oh, yeah! ... The dog likes it.

"Under what circumstances did the third president of the United States forswear his views on slavery?"

—Lots of people it's very simple – They see something to do and they do it . . . to see what happens.

"Go ask Charlie what a sky hook is."

—A trip to the moon on gossamer wings.

"If you tell that guy over there he's the buyer, he really likes it ... It makes him feel big."

—Is it worth the time? I don't know. I'll think about it.

"Where are my penguins?"

—What's the definition of a Jewish mother? Someone who leads horses to water and won't let them drink.

"Put it in your book."

—Fits right in.

"Can you never think of the right thing to say? Trouble relating in social circumstances? Maybe Taxi1010 can help. This guide to verbal self-defense is extensive, detailed, and quite clearly the work of a troubled mind ... Spend a minute, spend a day, spend your life trying to figure this site out." [Link from metafilter.com]

—Dug out of solid rock.

"Oh, you look younger in the picture."

—Just like my great, great, great, great grandmother.

"I don't want you in here." [Police officer kicking you out of a bar]

—A lot of people from different places think different things are friendly.

"Are you in a hurry there, Tod?"

—I'm way ahead of you.

"What right do you have to tell me these things? – Stay in your place."

—Think of it as a symbol – as a violin string.

"Method in our madness."

—No sacrifice is too great.

"Cover for me – I have a bad back."

—Ever hear of a chameleon on plaid?

"I cut my thumb off – What are you going to do about it?"

—You're expressing something.

[Finding your wife being nailed against a wall by another guy]

—Was your grandmother a machine gun? – tough as nails.

"Trailer trash comes to mind."

—There's no one else I can impress.

"If you want to leave, I can guarantee you won't find nobody else like me."

—Especially you.

"What's the matter, Pat?"

—Keep changing!

—Jesus, zero.

"That's really one hell of a scare you gave me."

—Death, six billion.

—Life isn't all bad, is it?

—Free lessons!

"So what are you going to do now? Ahhh ... remember the girl I showed you in the picture? Let me recommend her to you."

[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]