"If I were you, I'd sit next to the smart kid in English."

—You can't just be alert – You have to have some understanding.

"Oh, shut up!" [Their first words of the day]

—What power!

"Come here – Sit down."

—Just close your eyes ... Stay there and don't move ... Close your eyes ... Start seeing fish, because the TV isn't working and maybe you can influence it.

"Sit down."

—I'm not letting the dumbest man in the woods dictate my choices.

"You have to keep quiet." [Mother to her kid – She doesn't believe kids should be taught how to stick up for themselves]

—Okay, then what do you do?

"Listen boys, Charlie feels like he's being bullied in sailing, and people aren't being nice to him." [Woman addressing a table of kids, half of whom weren't even in the sailing class, with her son sitting alone at another table]

—No, it's not true ... Listen to me ... Since there's no such thing as a happy teenager, who cares how well he does? ... I just want to give you a heads-up in case you have an interest ... You're an asshole, too.

"One of you kids threw this candy wrapper on the ground, so I want you all to line up and stick out your tongues."

—It's very hard ... Oh, loud!

"Is this sponsored by Yellow Cab?"

—Don't throw me in the briar patch!

"Listen, I have a Ph.D. in interpersonal relations – I have a rapport with kids and I'm trying to talk to them."

—It's money down the drain ... It's a pity ... Must have been trained to do whatever people tell you to do ... I'm not in first grade being pummeled with stupidity ... The minister can chastise anyone with total annihilation.

"You're too needy."

—It was really different in the old days – There were so few people – They could really, really help people.

"You're sounding a little desperate because you're trying to build yourself up by tearing everybody else down."

—That's a little misleading, isn't it?

"You do this for a hobby?"

—Why shouldn't people do what they're good at?

"Do you do this in your spare time?"

—I don't mind waiting an hour to mail a letter if it's weird.

"Do you do writing part-time?"

—You're not like me – You don't like weird experiences.

"Do you have to incite them?" [To get people to be mean]

—I don't do that – I just do good work.

"Now maybe you'll be able to get a few ads."

—It's like Old Bullshit National Park.

"President Bush killed my son."

—There are places that are terrible ... run by crooks.

"You have no compunction about describing people as criminals."

—A lot of what they say has to be discounted.

"WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? It was your idea! WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME ALL THIS GRIEF?"

—I'm so taken aback that you're talking to me that way.

"I haven't offended you, have I?"

—Not this side of paradise.

"If I were to say, 'Shut up!' what would you say?"

—Does victory settle all arguments?

"Shut up!"

—Yeah, won't we? ... Only a pawn in their game ... Without thinking ... Even when you're talking ... Total obedience ... What's your offer? ... Likewise ... Who wants to submit themselves to sadists? ... It's just like having a dog on a leash? ... For what? ... I hope not ... You could ... Nevertheless! ... If only ... YOU could ... I'll try ... Patience is the key to joy ... Let go! ... Float like a robin, drop like a stone ... Like a shark in a German girls' swim locker! ... "Ich dere a webcam in here?" ... "Pass dir soap!" ... If you leave children alone and let them be what they are, you don't have to teach 'em anything! ... I knew you were going to go there, and I respect you for that.

"This is totally uncalled-for."

—A lot of people don't know their parents were wrong.

"Please be quiet!"

—You don't have to make speeches.

"Shut up, you fat pig!"

—If you're going for volume, you wink at quality.

"Mary, do you live up on the Matterhorn?"

—There's nothing to be jealous of.

"I am wondering if you can review this paper for publication, keeping it in the strictest confidence."

—Around my office you have to have a sense of humor about confidentiality.

"Can you keep a secret?"

—Just put it on the wall.

"Taking a break?"

—If only ... It's just an idea.

"Taking the dogs for a ride?"

—Always hopeful.

"You taking him to the Bay?"

—I can imagine.

"YOU ARE TAKING UP WAY TOO MUCH ROOM FOR ME."

—This is so freaky – I knew you were going to say that.

"Are you all done? Do you want me to clear it, or are you still working on your potatoes? Do you have a spoon?"

—Just a little bit is enough.

"Would you be offended if I sat next to you?"

—You don't have to think there's something wrong with you.

"Are you from Japan?" [To an Asian from Connecticut]

—You know, you're hurting my feelings.

"Let's stick to the facts here."

—YOU could! ... Don't rush.

"So are they paying you for that wonderful recommendation?"

—When you do things right, they come out right.

"Not to be hypercritical, but ...."

—Beats the alternative.

"No offense, but ...."

—It's a disgrace.

"They say sometimes the best defense is an offense."

—What they teach in school is that stupidity is power.

"Are you jumping in on the side of Satan?"

—One is more than enough.

"You've got something right here." [Tooth spinach]

—That's a special today.

"You've done so much to help all these people!"

—There are two things – how you are treated, and how you treat someone else.

"Don't be a stooge of the party loyalists."

—Out with the old, in with the new!

"Is there no end to your greed?"

—Call my lawyer.

"Are you smoking something?"

—Just don't peek under the tent.

"It would be kind of hard to use it without it, wouldn't it?"

—It's further than you think.

"Can I use your name if they don't go for it?"

—You're a living person.

"If I could wave a magic wand, remove all your bodily infirmities, would you still dance?"

—I don't want you dying in my house – It might inspire me.

"Better luck next time."

—I'm better off right now.

"Next time!"

—When you're sick!