"Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me! I've been trying to get a check for twenty minutes and I've got a movie." [a restaurant patron lying about any time spent]

—Times are changing! ... The coast is clear.

"I would do my homework and find partners to help you succeed as an entrepreneur."

—A little boat out in the sea.

"My concern has been the atrocities there in Darfur and the relevance to me with that issue as we spoke about Africa and some of the countries there that were kind of the people succumbing to the dictators and the corruption of some collapsed governments on the continent, the relevance was Alaska's investment in Darfur with some of our permanent fund dollars." (–Sarah Palin)

—Listen must replace tell – Except every now and then you have to tell.

"It only means that she doesn't have enough mind grapes or thoughtsicles, as Tracy Morgan refers to brain droppings on '30 Rock,' to be president soon." (–Maureen Dowd)

—Happiness and fake happiness.

"So you think it's fine to laugh about something like that?" [A kill-or-be-killed ghetto ethos]

—And everyone on earth knows why.

"And why are the rich shouldering the blame for a collective run of bad decision-making? After all, many of the rich got there through hard work ... 'People who get caught up in this paranoia ... haven't done anything to better themselves,' Dr. Dammann said, 'Even if they're right, there is a lot of wasted energy put into this. They need to look at the mistakes they've made in their life.'" (–Paul Sullivan, "All This Anger Against the Rich May Be Unhealthy," NYT, October 17, 2009)

—They go to Church and say, "Thank you, God, for taking my job away and letting me starve." ... It depends who you are, right? ... Many thousands of people making many thousands of dollars ... It's hereditary ... Not even Indians ... You have to be someone who's really weird, or someone who's popular.

"It's time to put all our differences aside. Will you be part of the solution? Chevron. Human Energy."

—You get a bag of groceries as a reward.

"Are you the red Jeep over there?"

—From now on I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the ride.

"Even John could pass that class!"

—At least I can understand it partially – Most people can't even understand it ... "If I had it to do all over again, I'd run a hot dog stand." (–Albert Einstein)

"It isn't perfect; life is never perfect."

—Nothing is ever as bad as it seems.

"I know it's not perfect; nothing's perfect."

—Oh, I'm just interested in reality.

"Nothing's perfect."

—What about a snail? ... You make gestures ... You just wait a day and then it comes to you ... A red sunset.

"You can put lipstick on a pig; it's still a pig. You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change; it's still going to stink after eight years." (–Barack Obama)

—And sublimely normal children.

"This is my favorite crazy person's website: http://www.taxi1010.com"

—Happiness is something you sense ... It's not the absence of pain, and it's not the presence of grace ... People won't give up being big shots ... Consciousness goes way beyond feelings and states ... Stop thinking, stop feeling, be simple, be sincere, sense yourself ... The only thing you can trust is sensations in yourself ... You can't trust thoughts and feelings ... It has nothing to do with outside things, or cultural ways ... What you have to know is very little, but to know that little takes very, very much.

"That's like comparing apples and oranges, Sir."

—I'm sorry they're not emeralds.

"I don't know – I haven't noticed."

—Maybe that's your dark shadows.

["In two years, my TV won't be able to receive any more broadcasts, because all the TV stations will be broadcasting digitally."] "Then you'll have fun watching TV!"

—I'll figure something out.

"You're history!"

—How chic – I'm going to call it the Fellini Room.

"And his paintings are crap."

—It's very hard to find something you like.

"Sounds like you need some non-escalating verbal self-defense: taxi1010.com, because one bad website deserves another ..." [Link from ~annahplanet]

—Don't throw us in the briar patch! ... By the way, rubber duckies are out.

"Okey-dokey."

—Within reason – So I like a challenge – After the fact? – It's a distraction.

[Belch, spit, fart, hawwwwkkkk, redux, redux]

—That'll break it up!

"Tai Chi, huh?"

—You should eat more cheese ... The Chinese never get stiff joints.

"I'm just trying to enjoy the park."

—It's just unbelievable to someone of my age.

"If you have something to say to my daughter then you can come to me, because YOUR stuff is blocking the sidewalk and she has every right to rollerblade."

—That's two things I have to do.

"Just ducky!"

—What a life!

"Just park!"

—All things come to those who wait.

"I didn't even wash my hair today!"

—The old-fashioned way!

"It's simple, is it not? Even for you."

—Does anybody know – Are you supposed to tip the guy who fixes your computer?

"Everyone deserves love, even you."

—Everything's easy if you understand what's going on.

"Even a woman should be able to grasp basic economics."

—It's all the things they never talked about when I was little.

"It's not rocket science."

—In your back yard.

"It's not brain surgery."

—It'll take a little while.

"To the Nikko Hotel, nice and straight."

—I'm fixin' to.

"I'd let you in if you weren't driving a Japanese car."

—Sounds like you just about had it.

"He's with me – I don't know if I'd call him my friend."

—All the way to the end.

"Oh, you know, I've seen this stuff before."

—Not a moment too soon.

"I've seen what it's all about."

—Symbolically.

"Oh, no one ever attacks me."

—You just have to get up and get on with it.

"There's nothing good on TV?"

—It's just ridiculous to inflict this on people.

"That's Julie Brown."

—You can tell.

"Julie Brown, did she ever go places!"

—You just go step by step.

"That's Ben Kingsley."

—Living history.

[Name dropping]

—Totally natural!

"A little school up in New Hampshire."

—People like being self-reliant.

"Two of the cutest girls on the entire planet!"

—One of these days I'll get one.

"Did you notice I'm wearing flowers?"

—Now especially.

"Did you notice Curtis wore the same clothes for three nights?"

—The pride of ownership.

"Gives you power, doesn't it?"

—I'm pregnant.

"That's not an option."

—That's not true.

"Failure is not an option."

—We can put cement there ... Solid shade.

"Shit is what makes this world go round."

—All right! Now we're getting somewhere.

"And you don't care what that makes you."

—You can't tell.

"We have read your website."

—From beginning to end.

"If you add pictures to the Internet, you get the Web." [Kodak advertisement]

—Wait 'til they see us!

[Someone treating you like a pariah for asking a simple question about a dog's injured ligament: "Did the doctor say anything about its source?"]

—Maybe some other kid.

"If you want to get into this perverse and very inaccurate accounting of every penny, I will be happy to provide you with the list I have kept over the years."

—It's just not common knowledge, I guess.

"You guys in government are lazy and overpaid."

—Those were the days!

"If you really cared about my welfare, you would give me my check."

—What do you think you're doing wrong?

"Check out the laws of this country."

—As we go.

"I bet if I wasn't a white male, you would give me a check."

—When did you start thinking that I am discriminating against you?

"Cheap shit."

—You better be good or you'll get nothing.

"Shit happens."

—You have to learn to take the good with the bad.

"Oh, man, they were saying really bad shit about you."

—That doesn't mean it's true.

"Let's stay away from all that shit."

—I'm all for that.

"You're in good shape – except for your brakes."

—Just for the hell of it.

"We're slow on Saturday; if we're slow, you guys are slow, I guess."

—That's the one thing schools promote: deep sleep.

"I guess it's going to be slow today."

—It goes this way, it goes that way ... It all evens out.

"How can you drive all day with this kind of road rage?"

—If you lose things, you can get new things!

"Just drive!"

—Won't that be fun?

"Suit yourself."

—Not too difficult.

"The service in this place sucks."

—Is it my fault?

"You must think you're hot shit."

—Just keep it up.

"Shut up, hippie."

—Go empty.

"Your college sucks."

—No big deal.

"A little more straight talk wouldn't hurt."

—Dogs know everything.

"Life sucks – Get it straight!"

—Especially if you like dogs.

"Telling the truth sucks!"

—A person who helps people is never at a loss.

"Hey, buddy – You have more than twelve items!"

—What do I care? – My father's a lawyer.

"Nobody's perfect."

—Without thinking.

"Hey! Slow down, man!"

—Why wait?

"Do you know what the word slow means? Try it once in a while!" [From an irate police officer]

—Let go!

"SLOW DOWN!"

—I'm an American!

"Slow down!" [After you've already stopped for them to cross the street - You're not actually moving]

—The bus stop with a jerk and you got off.

[Someone playing possum on the living room sofa]

—"Astronomers Sleeping – Please Be Quiet."

"I'm not unpredictable."

—In more ways than one.

"What is there, an echo? – I just said that!"

—Don't cheat me.

"Oh, I thought you said you had a ride."

—That's a novel thing to say.

"By no means am I perfect."

—And I don't care what you say.

"So, how much did you spend for the girl? I hope she hasn't dried up your bank account yet."

[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]

"Do I get credit for this?"

—I see your technique.

"I hope you give me credit for that."

—You can imagine what's coming.

"No need to give me credit."

—We'll figure something out.

"I just can't believe you have an imperfection."

—It's called suffering for your family.

"You'll be fine." [Cute girl humoring a flirtatious guy]

—That's right.

"I know that's in your history."

—You know, pretty women always like it when you open the door for them.

"It's okay – I'm not judging you."

—The stars come out at night.