"There's no excuse for failure."

—Different things like that.

"Go back! Go back! We ran out of virgins!" [Caption on an inflammatory European cartoon depicting the prophet Mohammed in the clouds, intercepting suicide bombers on their way up]

—It's cheaper to let someone rob your house, than break the door.

"The only good Jap is one who died two weeks ago."

—You should go to group therapy and learn how to relate to people.

"I would like to continue to see you from time to time. I just can't deal with some of the things you might do around other people."

—When you don't know what to say next, draw a line ... Gina knows ... the best answer to a fool is silence.

"She doesn't like you."

—Two entire stories: What was done to me? What was done to people I like, making them hate my guts?

"Keep talking – I always yawn when I'm interested."

—I'm a drunk – I'm not an alcoholic – Alcoholics go to meetings.

"It's just memories."

—The battle for Rome.

"How do you know when you're an authentic person?"

—You just have to live your life; you don't have to prove anything to anybody.

"Then you can begin to become authentic."

—People live in two different worlds – In one, you do what you're supposed to do; in the other, you have inner likes, desires and appetites.

"-1 for I can't figure out how to navigate the fucking site." [Link from sensibleerection.com]

—Were you there for Labor Day or after or before?

"You've got fucking nerve, Hart!"

—You just have to bear with it.

"Here you go, schmuckums."

—It's totally unnecessary.

"What he lacks in size, he makes up for in speed."

—Like flies.

"You should have invested in Google."

—I wonder if they make flying taxicabs?

"You could always move back to North Carolina."

—You're sitting pretty – Not many people have that.

"You can't blame him for being weird — Look at yourself in the mirror."

—They weren't very nice in the old days.

"I hope you're going to clean that up?"

—You can't even run your own life ... I'll be damned if you'll run mine.

"Why don't you keep looking into connections?"

—No, now I've drawn the line ... It's hardly worth the trouble ... What do I care about other people? ... At least I can see it.

"Will you do me a little favor?"

—Are you my little boss?

"Will you do me a favor?"

—Do I have to do everything you tell me to?

"Can I ask a favor?"

—Are you my boss?

"What are you talking to her for? ... she doesn't even like sex."

—Like on TV.

"Who is she?"

—She's my cousin.

"She slept with me months ago. Everyone knows that. HA HA!"

[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]

[A physician giving you a long-winded explanation about your medical condition]

—Oh, goodie! — One thrill after another.

"How do you feel today? Do you feel suicidal?"

—Don't do too much or it'll kill you.

"Where do they teach you to talk like this, in some Panama City sailor-want-a-hump-hump bar, or is this getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? — Sell crazy someplace else; we're all stocked up here."

—As you go along, you'll find cheap little shots are the meaning of life.

"I was totally not ready for the test, and I failed!"

—Remember, these people are all school teachers, and they got to be school teachers by toeing the line!

—We don't know if it's psychological or what.

"Don't you listen?"

—Don't be afraid to ask for support.

[A little girl turning around and pointing at a three-hundred-pound woman, making everybody laugh]

—Like everyone else.

"It's not interacting with my computer, you fucking snot!"

—I must be crazy!

"Ooo!—You smell gay—I don't want to sit near you—You probably have AIDS."

—They say the more you move, the better it is.

"So what moral can we extract from all this?"

—A lot of people don't have a sense of humor — I've been fighting against it my whole life.

"Don't get so uptight!"

—Just what you needed.

"We're just a bunch of bad brains."

—All day and all night you want to kill someone.

"How can a taxicab driver be so smart?"

—It just shows, doesn't it?

"Some verbal response suggestions from a taxi driver Non-escalating verbal self defence."

—I know any number like me – You ought to get around more – Now I can afford to be generous.

"Do yourself a favor, mate."

—It's a good rule: Don't try to improve your life; improve yourself. What many people call improving their life is a downward spiral.

"Why don't you get a fucking life instead of watching what I'm doing?"

—I never talked to you about Dr. Banana.

"I was fucking your wife all afternoon."

—Looks like I missed a lot of fun ... Did she ... lie around in bliss?

"GET A FUCKING JOB!"

—You're so sophisticated!

"And wipe that smile off your face!"

—No wonder you can't sleep at night.

"Go on! She's waiting for you!"

—There's a difference between having to do something, wanting to do something, and deciding to do something.

"Can I ask you a stupid question? – What would happen if you reversed the order of the words?"

—If you want to micromanage the little players, get a chessboard.

"Did she fuck?"

—Burning questions.