"I think it O.K. to kill Jews and go on a killing spree at this school ... Kill Johanna. She must die." (–From Wesleyan University shooter notebook, as reported in The New York Times)

—He's displaced hatred for himself onto Jews ... So what's on your mind?

"Everything's for the good."

—He was filled with loathing, and he turned his loathing on the Jews – Then, when he started losing, he turned the loathing on himself ... Now they hate perverts, homosexuals, and child molesters – because it's inside them.

"If they didn't pay the ransoms, we'd be in a stronger position." (–US Defense Secretary Robert Gates)

—The Aristocrats ... Dead, and everyone dresses up.

"How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? —Her ankles swell when she farts."

—That might be bracing.

"What did one Palestinian mother say to another when their kids graduated from terrorist school? —They blow up so fast nowadays!"

—I don't know what's going on, but it's strange.

[Any off-color joke]

—So that's why everyone left!

"This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you."

—Angry Dad! Come in here! Get this dragon out of the toilet!

["Wait!" (Telling someone not to feel you up)] "For what? Luann, the more you are waiting, the less you are living."

—Not where I live.

"Who told you to think? I don't give you enough information to think."

—It's like the nineteenth hole, right?

"How am I supposed to know? — You just told me, didn't you?"

—Every time you get angry, you'll live another ten years.

[Someone staring at you when you're having fun in class]

—Oh, you devil, you!

[Someone staring and glaring at you as you drop the mail off]

—Next they'll be marking sharks with purple X's.

"Carol, the waitress, meet Simon, the fag."

—Don't let people suck you into their misery.

"I just ignore them." [Mean, phony, stupid people]

—It's a sign of total hatred and no place to put it.

[Someone coming up from behind and pulling your hair]

—I want my balloon! ... Another monster has been let loose! ... ... What's mine is mine! ... In a body bag!

[Someone throwing half-full soda cans at the back of your head, and teasing you, year after year]

—Another great leader ... Look at all that shit! ... A huge collection! ... So this day that came up!

"Hey, fat ass! – Fucking emo freak! – Oink! Oink!"

—You know, when the witches' spells don't work, they get angry ... We have no name! ... It's like having your own German engineer, in the basement ... Sounds like your parents!

[Someone chucking apples at you, pushing you down]

—Anything but the Bible! – I just have a funny feeling it's all going to change.

"Well, I don't want you to have them." [Financial statements from the broker]

—Really special.

"Well, you might make copies of them and send copies of them to Richard."

—What's wrong with you?

"You told him what was in the will."

—You hate the white man, but you don't say anything.

"What do you do if you are in school and you peed your pants?"

—All I can say is, there must be a God. [For all bird droppings, accidental spills, splatters, smudges, stains, drools, and incontinence, simply go to the rest room, take off the garment, wash it with soap and cold water, and put it back on. Clothes don't take long to dry when you're wearing them. If anyone says anything, reply, "Just brutal," and wrinkle your nose. The Chinese say these kinds of accidents bring you extremely good luck the rest of the day, and I've found that to be true. I've also seen the coolest people suddenly leave and return with a series of wet spots on their clothes, and no one ever says anything! People don't even see other people. While your clothes are drying, talk to an intelligent gym teacher or school counselor, because they are genuinely interested in your all-around health]

"Hey emo, my pipes could kill you."

—Those are the bad things ... [Get away from them. They're totally envy and jealousy fodder. They hate themselves and everything they do. There's nothing you can do about it. They keep trying to shock people, and everyone's heard it before.] ... Go on! ... I know you guys want to talk.

"I like all kinds of dicks, big ones, little ones, I like all kinds." [Specifically for you to overhear]

—There's a lot of them, huh?

"When we get through with him, they're gonna wonder which side he fought on."

—An urban setting.

[Verbal defense against crowbar attack]

—Get malaria!

"Next time I'm just going to smash your car up on the sidewalk." [From an Immigration Services police officer who almost crashed into you from behind when you pulled over to pick up a passenger]

—Don't tell too many people.

"I do whatever the voices in my head tell me to do."

—Just follow the bouncing ball!

"Okay, we're going to throw out all the rules!"

—Really?

"The Iranians have jokes about cheating wives? Let me guess the punch line: 'So I killed her.' ha ha?"

—She's so happy – She's just like Queen Victoria.

"They're totally fucked-up — They sleep with other people's wives, trying not to get caught — They're infantile — They're fucked-up beyond belief." [Description of the movie, Shampoo]

—They're know-nothings and liars!

"It's fucked-up! It's totally fucked-up! I knew that was going to happen."

—Without a guide.

"Get your mother's cock out of your ass."

—You know, I actually had a shark, and I told him to floss, but he just wouldn't listen.

[Unintelligible mumbling]

—Things like that.

"Certified bitch!"

—Very strong.