"What's your phone number?"

—It's in the phone book.

"Fancy that."

—It's too late to change now.

"You are a number three."

—I guess the other ones, too ... I'll have to check it out.

"Could you call a number for me?"

—Someone else! ... You need a shirt? You should have brought your own.

"You have a nice name."

—It's for anyone who likes to have fun.

"What's this pretty girl's name?"

—I don't want to encourage you.

"Now listen to me, young man!"

—Infinitely sad! ... Totally unhelpful ... Okay, Kingfish! ... If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave its ass and walk it backward.

"My baby does not need a public school teacher as a father." [Two young girls]

—Hiding out in the basement sharing secrets with your best friend ... Sneaky and happy and honest! ... "Isn't Mrs. Klondike weird?" ... Dollars pave the way to hell ... Why should you have one child when you could have six?

"It's nice to see Sue Sarandon young." [Two old guys]

—What a powerhouse, huh?

"But you can't name the third one?" [Moderator (and unseen TV Producer) following up Governor Rick Perry's unscripted "Commerce, Education and the, uh, what's the third one there, let's see ..." in a CNBC presidential debate] (–John Harwood, "'Oops' Moment Takes On a Life of Its Own," The Caucus – The Politics and Government Blog of The Times, The New York Times, November 13, 2011)

—It's like the most decrepit National Park on the earth.

"What Is This I Don't Even -- http://www.taxi1010.com -- Seriously, what is this? Came across this while searching 'creepiest website' and it certainly does give off a creepy vibe ... After reading a bit of it, I can only assume it is one of the three. 1) Website created by non-English speaker. 2) Website created by idiot. or 3) Website created by weirdo with an ulterior motive." [Link from ParanoiaAgent, October 18, 2010]

—You can run out of rationale, but they'll never run out of crazy.

"Maybe made by a shrink (psychologist) who went insane...."

—There goes the neighborhood.

"IS everyone so creeped out that they didn't CHECK the site? It seems to be about defending yourself from bullying, actually. Don't know what's so creepy about that."

—If you don't know what you're going to find, it's adventure! Try to be the opposite of a juicy target.

[Close quizzing about your activities]

—Just some little thing ... You don't have to be there ... They used to call it the treadmill to oblivion ... I don't know why I have to go to the bathroom right now ... Not every reconstruction leads to a happy Humpty Dumpty ... What's next? ... The expert! ... What's this, Night Court? ... What's next, the French Foreign Legion? ... What's first prize? ... You have to throw cold water on it!

"My suggestion: get another job. This suggestion is not too demanding: unless you are a slave, I assume you have some amount of control over your job selection ... Please, don't drive a school bus blindfolded." (–Nassim Nicholas Taleb, The Black Swan, p. 163)

—Presidents, Kings – They're just trapped ... I just hope it isn't sex education.

"I am a limousine driver – I only drive very upper-end cars." [Lying]

—I think you could set a limit.

"You betrayed those who had high hopes for you."

—Do you understand the implications of what they're saying? ... Make limits, that's it!

"Read the actual way it's worded though. It sounds like some brain-controlling cult or something. And there is little to no sense in the words used."

—Is that the end? Time just flies by. This whole weekend is tricky ... You know, this whole week is tricky ... I like being bad, and then going home and being good.

"Yes?" [Almost colliding with you in a grocery store]

—Don't be shy – Don't be good.

["Are you in love with someone else?"] "Yes."

—Every minute, huh? ... It must be beautiful ... That's pretty hard to resist ... Next time! ... Life knows best ... That's where doves come in ... The Imagination of Nature ... Don't go by what someone says, go by what they do ... They can't do certain things ... Above heaven, God says God – Below heaven, he walks in dirt ... Hints of intelligence carry a person farther than an arrogant attitude ... Love is an action ... Ask yourself if they're on your side ... Don't anticipate negatively ... ... Give it a chance ... I think you might be amazed ... It doesn't matter what you say as long as you say something ... Any trouble you make is good, because it brings light on the situation ... Jealousy is an attempt to diminish yourself in comparison to another person; to try to make another person seem bigger than they really are ... The sun is setting on the bad boy boats ... Relax! That's the whole thing ... If you would be at all interested, greet someone with humility, grace and simple dignity ... You know how it is, some people hate each other ... We just think things and they happen ... I'm sworn to secrecy.

"Everyone's nice when they're asleep."

—Not airline pilots!

"What was her name?"

—What's your name? ... I'll have my people talk to your people.

"For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you." (–Walt Whitman, "Song of Myself")

—I guess I'll invest in hydrogen.

"The technology is only second-rate." [Criticizing your new iPad]

—Killed any good animals today?

"I'll have to give you a rain check."

—I know, it's hard for me, too.

[Someone tailgating you at a high speed]

—There are a million ways a baby can react when they don't get milk.

"How does a burrito sound to you?"

—Hey, we're not on a cruise ship.

"Is that where you take all your first dates?"

—I can imagine what it costs.

"Run, Toto!" [Mickey Mouse voice]

—It's just another friend.

[Someone intentionally bumping you]

—I don't know – Who's on first? ... (It's just testosterone) ... No argument there! [They're always trying to start something; you have to learn to throw cold water on it when they're provoking]

"You bumped me on purpose!" [Out on the street]

—You need closure here! ... Not cheap! ... It's good when you're taking bows on the concert tour ... Don't tell!

"Well, nice talking to you, darling! Good luck finding another mover."

—It's the family who does hardly anything.

"This is it? God, this is a tiny apartment." [From one of the new movers]

—It's nothing, money; it's when you don't have it.

"This toilet is like a gas station toilet."

—And thank-you notes, that'll be next ... The big thing is to be a fakerola – like the Queen! ... like the Queen of England! ... Handwritten thank-you notes.

"The elephant in the room no one talks about."

—If you work in an office in LA, you've seen dumbness to its depths.

"What number are you for?" [From a complete stranger coming out of a large apartment building]

—I'm a high school dropout – I don't do questions.

"You sounded like such a nice girl on the telephone."

—That's my family's story, and I'm sticking to it.

"Do you want his home phone number?" [Donald Duck voice]

—So cute! – It all comes back to you – When are you going to learn to talk right? – The front is like fancy, and the rest is a block of ice!

[Someone mimicking you blinking your eyes]

—You don't have to overdo it ... Just so you saw it.

[Someone mimicking you scratching your chin]

—Including your own ... They have a new edition of The Great Gatsby out.

"You're cured."

—Are you bad when you don't know things?

"They say she's lost her looks."

—I wonder if they're that dumb.

"If you move to Seattle and I move to New York, we can get together if you don't find someone else."

—I know, I know! That's life!

"Looks like a snake." [Your rawhide bracelet]

—Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

"Johann Sebastian Bach?"

—You know there's people like that; they're just good at what they do.

"Butler's a little bulldog, huh? You're better than me, but here we come!"

—Off to the races.

"He needs a leash and the other one doesn't?"

—Rufus, you old rascal! While you're at it, bring me a mint julep out on the veranda.

"He's so ugly, bless his heart!"

—Everything he sees now will be part of his mind.

"U.G.L.Y. – You Ain't Got No Alibi."

—Even before that.

"Hey, Lindsy, why don't you come and sit on my lap?"

—I think you ought to get a helmet with horns.

["Why did you ask me to move?"] "I wanted to make a U-turn." [They honk, and even when you move to a nearby parking space away from the driveway you thought you were blocking, they honk again, because all they wanted to do was make a U-turn to grab the parking space – Essentially, no matter what you do, you're in their way]

—You have a friend?

"You've got ugly you'll never use."

—If you had shit on your face, you'd be pretty.

"I'm looking for a guy with a job and no hang-ups."

—I still am very naïve about certain things.

"As long as he doesn't get laid off – His job is at the pleasure of the Governor."

—That might miss the larger reality.

"The sun's come out ... I wish I'd brought shorts ... although I bet you guys are glad I didn't bring shorts." [Also see Self-attack]

—Let's not get diagnostic yet ... People don't like to be told how they feel.

"It's better to be dead than ugly."

—You've been talking to a teenage girl.

"Are we that ugly? – He's hiding."

—That's not fair – I wouldn't worry about it.

"I look ugly."

—LOUSY TIP!

"You're ugly."

—From your lips to God's ear.

[Someone mocking or pointing at your spouse, who's overweight]

—Everything reflects on you.

"Le' poo poo on you Andee. Big globs of poo poo for you you. Mmmm. Poo poo. You like poo poo. Taxi1010!!! Poo poo! Woo hoo!"

—Just get a scoop.

[Tongue stuck out]

—I don't think you have to do that.

"How many years young are you?" [Belittling "Elderspeak"]

—Are you my tormentor? ... When you die, I'm going to expire in a heap on your grave.

"Young lady." [Belittling "Elderspeak"]

—The clock is ticking, and I'm only getting older.

"We all do stupid things when we're young."

—You can't be fresh.

"You and I are cuckolds!"

—What else? ... Kill those Commies! Kill the fucking Commies!

"We've got to all run faster and run smarter."

—They want a dope, because what can he do?

[Someone pissing on the garage floor]

—When they do it once, they'll do it again.

"I am what you name me."

—Look at the little angel.

"What's your name?"

—Which one?

"What's your first name?"

—Hydrogen.

"What's your last name?"

—Hydrogen. You must be Helium.

"What's your middle name?"

—H.

"What's her name?" [Your daughter's]

—Same thing.

"Well, what's your name?"

—That's in the phone book, too.

"I like you best when you're asleep."

—I have to eat – I'm getting older.

"So what's your name?"

—I don't even think I had a name – I'll have to look at my birth certificate.

"Well, then, what's your name?"

—Sorry – I left my identity at home.

"Inevitable drip."

—It was perfect timing, but backwards.

"Do I have a name, man?"

—Now what are you going to do?

"You don't know my name."

—People don't want anyone to be what they really are.

"Well! She has a name! Maureen."

—You know, there's people who prey on people who don't.