taxi1010 :: tutorial (4th of 6)

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22. Let me give you a vivid example of just how an insult works. And before I do, because this is very disturbing to me, let me just say, you can always use the search window at Google to access taxi1010.com directly. For instance, you can type, «taxi1010 you're a jerk» in the window, and it will tell you exactly which of the eighty-eight taxi1010 stargates contains antidotes to that insult. Try it with, «taxi1010 are you gay?» or «taxi1010 what do you mean by commitment?». The Google search box is the beginning of global consciousness, and there'll come a time when you'll be able to use Google to talk directly to taxi1010, with a penny debited to your account and credited to my account, and through a micro accumulation of pennies, I'll be rich! Either that or dead ....

23. Anyway, a few days ago I wondered aloud to myself how interesting I haven't heard the L word in at least nine months. I was out in my back yard playing with the insects and ants just after a rain ... don't laugh, you have no idea what's going on back there ... and I came back inside, wiping the mud from my boots, and thought nothing more about it. I've been cured! ... Or so I thought.

24. Next morning at work, just as I walked by this taxi driver I like, though I've never known his name, he merrily cried out, "Richard, you're running a little late!"

25. Before that, I had been totally calm, happy, and unperturbed, simply on my way to the bathroom before getting my taxicab, before dawn, for the day shift. Hearing him use the L word, I was suddenly thrown into a state of deep confusion, misery, and agitation, more than I can even begin to describe here. I'm not late! I angrily said to myself, as images of him walking by me, oh so calmly and perversely, in his deep, deep, voice, saying, "Richard, you're running a little late!" ... over and over and over!

26. I thought to myself, How odd, I'm an expert at antidotes to these things, yet I can't remember a single response to this attack. It totally bypassed all my reasonable, measured ways of dealing with the L word, and hit me on a level too deep to know anything at all. It's called the preverbal part of a person. The preverbal parts of me don't know how to respond to an attack.

27. When I got home, I raced over to my computer, pulled up Google, and typed, «taxi1010 you're late» in the search box. Google instantly responded, and only then did I begin to calm down.

28. Then I began to remember the first time I ever heard this attack: I had been a little boy in Texas, outside playing in the mud and rain, coming back inside through the back door, with my mother screaming "Where have you been? You're late!" over and over, with me clomping across the living room rug in my muddy boots, wondering what the hell she was talking about, and then with my muddy trail and all, the shit really hit the fan.

Review

22. You can use the search window at Google to access taxi1010.com directly. Try, for instance, «taxi1010 speak for yourself» or «taxi1010 are you lonely?»

23. I wondered why I hadn't heard the L word in quite some time, then went out to investigate the back yard, and thought nothing more about it.

24. Next morning at work, someone cried out, "Richard, you're running a little late!"

25. The irrationality of the moment upset me so much, I had no idea what to say ... and I'm supposed to be the expert!

26. It's called the preverbal part of a person. The preverbal parts of me don't know how to respond to an attack.

27. Calling Google! Calling Google! I typed, «taxi1010 you're late» in the search box, and when I saw the response, began to calm down.

28. All this made me remember something from my childhood, when my mother spanked me, not for being late, but for tracking mud across the living room. I kind of got the two events mixed up.

Unifying Idea

(1.) People can spot your vulnerabilities, especially when you're trying to understand yourself and what's going on. (2.) When they say something, it's tempting to think, "They're being mean and vicious!" (3.) You wonder why they said anything at all, trying to restrain yourself and calm down. (4.) All of these directions are taking you away from yourself. (5.) It's something from your childhood ... something very specific.

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