William H. Swanson's 33 Homespun Fly Jokes

1. What is the difference between a fly and a bird?
   A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!

2. How do fireflies start a race?
   Ready, steady, glow!

3. What do you call a fly without wings?
   A walk.

4. What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
   A zipper.

5. During a traffic stop a police officer is swatting at a fly circling around his head, and blurts out, "What kind of damn fly is that, anyhow?" The traffic offender replies, "That's a circle fly." The officer replies he's never heard of a "circle fly." The offender replies, "Circle flies are usually found circling around a horse's ass." Enraged, the police officer says, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?" to which the traffic offender replies, "No sir, but you can't fool a circle fly."

6. Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
   Looks like the breaststroke to me, sir.

7. How do you keep flies out of the kitchen?
   Put a pile of manure in the living room!

8. Why did the fly fall off the toilet?
   It got pissed off.

9. An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive, they notice all three pints have a fly in them. The Englishman looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away. The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor, and proceeds to drink his beer. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his drink and holds it over the drink yelling, "Come on ya little bastard, spit it out!"

10. Guy goes into a pet store and says, "I'd like a fly, please."
    Shopkeeper: "A fly? We don't sell flies here!"
    Patron: "Oh, but you've got one in the window!"

11. This guy walks into a bar, and sits down at the bar. There's a really good-looking girl alone at the end of the bar. He catches her eye, and smiles at her. She gives him an icy stare in return. A little while later he tries again, and is rebuked. He calls the bartender over. "Listen, I'd really like to meet that girl, can you help me?" "Sure," says the bartender, "have you ever heard of Jewish Fly." "No, is it like Spanish Fly," replies the man. "Much better than that," says the bartender. He mixes the girl a drink, (with the Jewish fly of course) and gives it to her. A little later she smiles at the man. After a few more minutes she begins to lick her lips suggestively. The man walks over, sits down and says, "May I get you another drink?" "No," she says in a deep sexy voice, "but you can take me shopping."

12. What goes "Snap, crackle, and pop?"
    A firefly with a short circuit!

13. Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
    I think it's the backstroke, sir.

14. Jakey: "Fader, dere's a fly in dor soup."
    Mr. Cohen: "Vell, eat all but der fly before you show it to der waiter; den you can get some more."

15. Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
    Don't say that, sir. Everyone will want one.

16. There's some soup on my fly!

17. Why did the fly cross the road?
    She wanted to lay eggs on the road kill!

18. Waiter! There is a fly in my soup!
    What did you expect for this kind of price, an eagle?

19. Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good-looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down towards her. "Pardon me?" he asks, turning on his best charm, "but is this stool taken?"

20. Top 8 homespun ways to tell someone their fly is unzipped:
    "You are flying low."
    "Flies spread disease – keep it zipped."
    "XYZ – (Examine-Your-Zipper)"
    "I thought you were crazy ... now I see your nuts."
    "Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave."
    "Paging Mr. Johnson ... Paging Mr. Johnson ...."
    "Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction."
    "Your soldier ain't so unknown now."

21. If there are 5 flies in the kitchen, how do you know which one is the American football player?
    The one in the sugar bowl!

22. Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
    I'm not surprised, sir, our chef used to be a tailor.
    Waiter, waiter, is this a fly in my soup?
    Quite possibly, sir. The chef used to be a tailor.
    Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
    Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.

23. Waiter, there's an open fly in my soup.

24. Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied 'er!

25. What did one firefly say to the other? Got to glow now!

26. I say, waiter, confound you, there's a fly in this soup!
    Well, I do decla', ef it yain't surprisin'! Eberything seems to be gittin' in de soup nowadays.

27. Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
    It looks like it's learning to swim, sir.

28. Waiter, why is there a fly in my ice-cream?
    Perhaps he likes winter sports.

29. Waiter, there's a fly in my butter.
    No there isn't.
    I tell you there is a fly in my butter!
    And I tell you, there isn't – it isn't a fly, it's a moth, and it isn't butter, it's margarine – So there!

30. Waiter, waiter, there's a dead fly in my wine!
    What's wrong, sir? – You told me you liked wine with a little body in it!

31. Your fly is down.
    That's his problem.

32. Your fly is down.
    Afraid of heights?

33. What was the last thing that went though the fly's mind when it hit the windshield?
    Its asshole.

34. Good one, William, love them fly jokes ... when I'm on IM, I catch a lot when I open my mouth. LOL

• If a fly eats too many bananas what happens?
  It turns into a fruit fly!

• Who gets the soup with the fly in it?

• What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
  A space Invader.

• Waiter, there's a cell phone in my soup.

• What do you call a fly with a sore throat?
  A hoarse fly!

• If a fly married a horse, what would their children be?
  Horseflies!

• What's this spider doing in my soup?
  I think he's trying to catch the fly, sir.

• Waiter, isn't it strange I should find several flies in my soup?
  It is strange at this season of the year.

• Why do waiters prefer elephants to flies?
  Have you ever heard anyone complaining of an elephant in their soup?

• Dick Cheney's shooting a fellow hunter in the face is no more Cheney's fault than if he had snagged the guy with a fly line ... Not that fly fishers ever hung out in bars.

• Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
  Time flies!
  I can't! They're too fast.

• I wouldn't say that fly is ugly, but would you eat the fish that thought it looked good?

• If anyone can let me in on how one makes a living at fly casting, ... Sorry, bad joke ... I went with my girlfriend to Hawaii ... We wanted to fly United ... but the stewardess wouldn't let us!

• Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly-boy in my soup!

• Waiter, there's no fly in my soup!

• Waiter, there's a gly in my gook!

• Hey wader, there's a fly in my sloop.

• Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my teacup?
  I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortuneteller.

• Waiter! There's a depressed person in my soup!

• Waiter, waiter, there's a cockroach in my soup!
  That's right sir! He's volunteered to take over while the fly visits his mother over Christmas. If you look carefully, you can see he's wearing a little red hat and has a white beard.

• There's a gay fly in my soup!
  Well, then – Eat the fruit fly with the soup.

• There's a fly in my soup!
  Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

• Here's a fly in my soup, waiter.
  Yes sir; very sorry, sir; but you can throw away the fly and eat the soup, can't you?
  Of course I can; you didn't expect me to throw away the soup and eat the fly, did you?

• Are you sure that's a fly?

• What do you call a fly who likes socks? A shoe fly!

• Shut-up already, otherwise everybody will want one.

• May I remove your soup bowl and bring you something else, sir?

• Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
  What do you expect for a dollar – a live one?

• Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
  It's fly soup, sir!

• Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
  So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

• Waiter, waiter, there's a dead fly in my wine!
  Oh no! I warned him not to drink and swim.

• Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
  Yes, sir, you're not suppose to eat the soup – You're suppose to drink the soup.

• It's the hot water that kills them.